Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: MIDSOMMAR (no spoilers, because the Pagan God would kill me)

A lot of people are going to hate MIDSOMMAR. Correction: Modern audiences are probably going to hate Midsommar. They are going to think it’s too weird, too depressing, too unsettling, too gory, not enough jump scares, too weird, not fast paced enough, too long, too weird, not understand what is going on, too weird, too weird, too weird, and too weird. That’s exactly why I kind of loved it though. This is Ari Aster’s second film after the very unsettling and disturbing Hereditary. And while I still prefer that film more right now, the more I think about this film, and the more research I do on ancient Pagan tradition and ways, that could change in the future. Mr. Aster definitely did his God damn homework. There is no denying that the man is talented. For one, he is trying to do something different and more interesting than mainstream horror. Both films he has done look absolutely gorgeous cinematography wise, and he is definitely an actor’s director, getting commanding performances from everyone involved. But the man needs to see a therapist.

Seriously. The opening before the intro starts to roll is very, very, very, very fucked up and deeply unsettling, with disturbing images I haven’t been able to get out of my head and I swear I had nightmares last night about them. The movie then takes a breather, and then becomes a very, very, very, very slow burn, but one that becomes more clastrophobic and more depressing each minute that ticks by. The movie is about a girl named Dani, who after a very recent horrible family tragedy, decides to join her very distant boyfriend and his friends as they travel to Sweden for a festival that occurs every 90 years, unaware they are in the middle of a deeply sadistic Pagan cult. I mention that the boyfriend is very distant for a very specific reason as their relationship is the ultimate catalyst for what happens in the film and the ultimate outcome. See, he was about to break up with her before Dani’s family tragedy occurred, and he feels like he has to stay with her to not look like the asshole.

Where the film goes from there, I dare not reveal, as I feel like the Pagan Gods would set me blaze this very minute revealing anything else, as part of the satisfying and gratifying weirdness is the journey itself. Let’s just say that things get very complicated and more weird than you could possibly imagine. And more gory. If you are not a fan of gory movies, or you are a deeply depressed and unsettling individual, for the love of God DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE. It might kick you over the edge. Imagine if Paul Thomas Anderson made a horror movie (while on acid), and you’d get pretty close to the final product of this. Just like Hereditary, the film is a nightmare minute after minute, with all the characters being put into weird Pagan traditions and not being able to do anything but follow along. If you want any last minute clues from me before you decide to take this journey, and not get into spoiler territory, I will just say this: if Midsommar weren’t the title, I have the feeling an alternate could’ve been PAGAN HOSTEL.

The cinematography is spectacular, like I’ve mentioned above. Because of the solstice, it doesn’t get dark much right when they get there, looking like the middle of a normal day when it is really 9 pm at night. The main characters take drugs at certain points in the film, and their good/bad trips light up the screen as if we are on that trip right along with them. The weird cult that they run into do some really weird traditional shit, and it’s lit very well, everything all bright and cheery, but combined with the excellent musical score it is really telling audiences that something truly unsettling lies beneath the surface. The only maybe downside to the movie is that while Hereditary was completely unpredictable (especially what happens right before the second act of that film), this film kind of is predictable a bit. After the beginning credits were done, I guessed what was ultimately going to happen, and I was right on the money. Now the film still gave me plenty of visual surprises and some of the arcs and characters went into different subplots I didn’t see coming, but I guessed the ultimate outcome, which if any other outcome was written, I don’t think it would’ve been as satisfying, so the predictability is completely forgiven.

And the acting definitely takes this film to another level. You get the comic relief in Will Poulter, for some reason you get the actual Chidi from The Good Place looking like he’s visiting the actual Good Place, Jack Reynor as the distant but commanding presence boyfriend, and the fantastic Florence Pugh as Dani. She’s been having quite a year, with this and her praised performance in Fighting With My Family. In here, she basically has to portray different instances of grief the entire 2 hour and 30 minute run time. I believed every second of it. Like Toni Collette in Hereditary, if the Academy actually recognized horror films, she would get an Academy Award nomination at the end of the year. But alas, I don’t think the Academy would touch this film with a ten thousand foot long pole. The long run time will drag for many butts in their seats, but it flew by for me because I was so caught up in what was going on.

If you are a individual that hated Hereditary, or just didn’t get it, and like more modern horror films but not the cheap shit, you might want to just stick to Jordan Peele type things and stay far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far away from this. But if you are looking to experiment and want something different than your cheap jump scare “unsettling” cliched bullshit horror, I can’t recommend this film enough. This is a break up horror in the daylight comedy. There are no cheap jump scares at all if that is what you are looking for. If Jordan Peele is calculus, then Ari Aster is Advanced Calculus taken in a abandoned warehouse’s basement. I mean seriously, I’m worried about the guy, does he dream of this shit up every night in his sleep? I do applaud him for doing something different and just hope he has all of these emotions in check and is just really, really good at giving audiences something different to be scared of on the big screen. Right now I really like the film (the other two people I saw this with didn’t care for it all that much). Someday I might think it is a masterpiece, if I can only have the courage to actually watch it again.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: SPIDER-MAN FAR FROM HOME (minor spoiler paragraph on Mysterio)

SPIDER-MAN FAR FROM HOME is the great, fantastic, fun refreshing breather of a Phase 3 epilogue we needed after that really long emotional climax that was Endgame. We are now also 6 for 8 on pretty decent Spider-Man films, 5 of them even being great. This movie was basically a super hero road trip rom-com, and it worked every step of the way. The film does have just a couple of pacing issues at the beginning, but once you hit the mid way point (and you will definitely know when the mid way point hits), it all leads to a fantastic conclusion, one of the most memorable of all the Spider-Man films. Tom Holland is easily the best Peter Parker AND Spider-Man and I hope he keeps the role for years and years to come. I mean, he looks like one of those baby faces like Leo that won’t really show it until he’s in his 40s, am I right? By the way, the minor spoiler paragraph on Mysterio that I mentioned in the title, I will warn you so you can skip that paragraph to be completely spoiler free.

And if you scroll down and look at all my Spider-Man rankings, you might be surprised to see that Spider-Man 2 still ranks at the very top of my list, even though I just said that Tom Holland is the best Spider-Man. He very much is, but Spider-Man 2 is the best and spider-ery(?) Spider-Man film. See, until Tom Holland came along, none of the Spider-Man iterations really got ALL of Spider-Man right. Tobey Maguire I thought was a great Peter Parker, but a very mediocre Spider-Man when the mask was on. Flip that for Andrew Garfield, while he was a great Spider-Man, he wasn’t really that great of a Peter Parker. Tom Holland has both perfectly. He portray’s Peter Parker’s persona and innocence down to a science, and his quips behind the mask are laughter belly ache inducing. I knew it from the moment he showed up in Civil War that his Spider-Man was going to be one for the ages. I just hope that in his third solo outing, they don’t try a pull a Raimi 3.

Because that is what I respect the most out of these new MCU Spider-Man films. Is that they are trying to do something different. We don’t see Peter’s origin story here, MJ is not Mary Jane but an entirely new interesting character who just happens to be named Michelle Johnson. We haven’t had any repeat villains from the old films yet, we are getting brand new ones with more depth than any of Raimi or Webb villains, each having their own little arcs that make the story more well rounded. And a lot of the setting are pretty different. Even though Spider-Man is from Queens/New York, most of the first film takes place more around it than actually in it, not to mention the in the air plane finale. This film takes place is multiple other side of the world locations, hence the Far From Home title. I would like to see a third film where the plot actually stays between the sky scrapers of New York, as seeing him swinging through the buildings were part of the Sam Raimi films’ charm. (you do get to see a very small amount of skyscraper slinging though in this, just not enough for my taste).

Uh, should I even talk about story? It’s kind of hard to seeing as though I have to mention spoilers from Endgame, but you know what? Fuck you if you haven’t seen Endgame and are reading this review. You’ve had plenty of time to see it. Sorry, but in this day and age, it is either release date way or the highway. Anyway, this takes place a very small amount of time after Endgame and Tony Stark’s funeral. Everyone is dealing with the aftermath of everyone on Earth just instantly showing back up again 5 years after they were snapped (although this film has a new term for it, ‘blipped’) out of existence. Those that were part of the blip, even though it is five years later, are still the same age. The filmmakers explain adjusting to the cataclysmic re appearance quite fast, with both sorrow and humor. Just like the beginning of Homecoming, which kind of retold the events of Civil War through Spidey’s eyes/homemade video, we get kind of a recap/update with another video that is both touching and at the same time provides a few laughs.

Anyway, still dealing with losing Tony Stark, he and his classmates go on a school summer vacation through Europe, when Nick Fury hijacks it. Turns out, there are several dangerous Elemental threats to the Earth, with a mysterious new hero named…well, Mysterio (Quentin Beck, played by Jake Gyllenhaul), and they need Spidey to step up and help since a lot of the other Avengers are currently unavailable. Mysterio reveals that he and the big destructive Elementals are from a different dimension, and that there is a multi-verse now because of Hulk’s snap bringing everyone back in Endgame. Peter Parker not only has to deal with this, but he wants to tell MJ that he really likes her and wants to date her on this trip, while also grasping with the fact that the world is kind of looking up to him to possibly be the new leader (new Iron Man per say) of the Avengers.

Far From Home is light, entertaining, and filled with a lot of great humor, so if you are going into this expecting another epic drama like Infinity War or Endgame, you’ve definitely come to the wrong show. This is the dessert after having time to digest all the shit you ate during Endgame, and it’s exactly how it is supposed (and needs) to be. Tom Holland is of course the perfect Spider-Man, Jon Favereau gets the most screen time he’s ever gotten in an MCU film, and Zendaya has a lot more to do as MJ this time around, and her and Tom Holland have fantastic on screen chemistry. Samuel L. Jackson and Cobie Smulders reprise Nick Fury and Maria Hill as well, but if you think something might be off about their performances, just wait until the entire thing is finished before you start going off on how they don’t seem like their characters. Now, coming up really quick is the quick spoiler paragraph on Mysterio, because I want to talk about Jake Gyllenhaul’s excellent performance.:

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It seems kind of odd to me that the movie relies on most of its audience not knowing who Mysterio is in the Spider-Man world. Everyone that even half way decently knows Spider-Man and his comic book world should know that Mysterio is one of Spider-Man’s greatest foes. So the marketing to me, trying to portray him as a hero, didn’t elicit too much excitement, because I knew what was probably going on months before release day. So reveal of him being the main bad guy in the film is meant to be a shocking and huge revelation, but since I knew it was coming, you would think the reveal would invoke some boredom out of me, right? Far from it. And it is because of Jake Gyllenhaul’s performance. Before the reveal that not everything is as it seems, his performance was teetering on “phoning it in” for me, but once everything comes to light, it turns out that decision was more of a blessing in disguise. One it is revealed that Mysterio is the main villain, Jake Gyllenhaul goes full Jake Gyllenhaul, and delivers one of the best villain performances in the MCU outside of Thanos, Killmonger, Loki, and Vulture. He absolutely crushed it.

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Wow, this review has gone on long enough, so let me wrap it up. Aside from a couple of 1st act pacing issues, and the action not being all that memorable (along with the musical score) except for the climax, Far From Home is another home run for not just the MCU, but the Spider-Man films in general. And for most of the action scenes not being that memorable, I don’t blame director Jon Watts, because he proved with the first film he knows how to develop and stage an action scene, might’ve just been script or location issues. But all of that is forgiven because the rest of the film is excellent and hugely entertaining. I definitely laughed every other minute, it was a very funny film. Oh and uh….STAY THRU ALL OF THE CREDITS. Both of Far From Home’s after credits scenes are extremely important, probably the most important after credit scenes we have gotten from the MCU in quite a long time. The mid credit scene, good God I wish I could just spoil and talk about it. But for long time Spider-Man fans, the mid credit scenes will make prematurely shoot a bunch of webs out of your web shooter. It is THAT GREAT.

My Ranking of all the Spider-Man films (you will disagree, to each his own):

Spider-Man 2
Spider-Man Homecoming
Spider-Man Into The Spider-Verse
Spider-Man Far From Home
Spider-Man
Amazing Spider-Man
Spider-Man 3
Amazing Spider-Man 2

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: ANNABELLE COMES HOME (no spoilers)

So ANNABELLE COMES HOME is the 7th film in The Conjuring Universe if you count The Curse Of La Llorona, right? Which I do, and if you don’t, and haven’t seen it yet, I suggest that you do as there is hard evidence of why it is considered part of this film series. And La Llorona, while not being that terrible, was still a big disappointment, trying too hard with cheap cliched jump scares that didn’t have any context or set up. Thankfully, the third Annabelle more than makes up for that stumble in the franchise road. Not only are the scares and frights earned, and not only are they all foreshadowed and set up meticulously, but all of the scares subvert your expectations. You think the spookiness is about to go down….here it comes….but then it doesn’t……but then much later it gets you when you least expect it! And the film is entertaining as hell too, a little fun house of horrors movie that is much better than they ones we’ve received over the past decade. And mark this down as the best Annabelle film so far too. So with the Conjuring Universe we are 4 for 7, and that ain’t bad.

But is this a perfect reverse trilogy you may ask? No, unfortunately it just misses that mark due to the first Annabelle film being the worst film of not only the three just pertaining to that doll, but the worst one of the whole Conjuring Universe. A perfect reverse trilogy is where all three films are somehow excellent and each one is better than the last. In this case it is just a reverse trilogy. The set up for this film is simple, at the beginning we finally get to see the Warren’s take custody of the doll from the two teenagers we were introduced to in the first Conjuring movie. One year later, they get a baby sitter (Madison Iseman) to look after their daughter (McKenna Grace) one night as they go to investigate another case. The baby sitters friend comes over (Katie Sarife) with secret intentions of her own and winds up in the Warren’s room filled with evil and haunted artifacts, and of course, let’s Annabelle out of her case. Let the fun begin!

And the movie is a boatload of fun. As you may now no Annabelle isn’t like Chucky or any of the little bastards from the Puppet Master franchise. She doesn’t talk, say one liners, or come after people with a knife (no matter how much I wanted her to). She is a conduit for other spirits, ghosts, demons, and evil entities to come out to try and get your soul. She does move around, but is more whisked to where she wants to go by unseen entities. So what is so cool about this movie is that it is less about her going around and killing people and collecting souls and more about her bringing other tales and folklore to life to do the bidding for her. I don’t want to spoil any of what those evil entities are, but I will say that after the movie was over, I was clamoring for a Conjuring Universe Hellhound movie. God I hope they end up making one.

And while the set up is simple, the writing here is definitely not lazy. While the Warrens are more of an extended cameo type appearance and just book end the film, it’s the three female protagonists that have to carry the movie. Each of them has their own arc to flesh them all out, the best one being the friend that comes over played by Katie Sarife. If the movie was just them running around the now haunted home and doll, while it would’ve probably still been fun, the movie definitely wouldn’t have been as effective narrative wise without the arcs. And the acting is top notch too. McKenna Grace, while still very young, proves she needs to be in more things to stretch her talent. Madison Iseman shows another side of her than just the bratty teenager in her brief appearance in Jumanji 2. But the stand out is Katie Sarife as the friend. The film mainly focuses on her and her story, and she acts the hell out of the situations she is put into. Very much looking forward to her acting career in the near future.

If you are a Conjuring Universe Aficionado, this is absolutely a must watch, as it is definitely the most entertaining and fun entry of the entire film franchise. The other universe films are, while still being somewhat entertaining and watchable, are more filled with darkness, dread, and despair, and not being what you’d call ‘fun.’ Emotionally draining is the correct term. Writer Gary Dauberman, this being his directorial debut as well, wrote all of the Annabelle films, and I can confidently say that he learned his lesson from the terrible first film, and is honing his craft. And it makes me look forward to IT Chapter 2, which he also wrote that comes out in just a few months. Annabelle Comes Home was a fantastic fun house of horrors film. Very solid, and one of the Conjuring Universe films I will probably end up revisiting over and over again.

My ranking of Conjuring Universe Films

The Conjuring
The Conjuring 2
Annabelle Comes Home
Annabelle Creation
The Curse Of La Llorona
The Nun
Annabelle

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: TOY STORY 4 (no spoilers)

TOY STORY 4 or what I am calling it, Woody’s Epilogue, is actually a pretty great…well..epilogue. Let’s face it, we all know that Toy Story 3 provided mostly all of the toys we’ve come to grow up with a satisfying conclusion to the “Andy Saga.” However, in the third movie, Bo Peep was no where to be found with one line of dialogue and one frowny face basically explaining that she was just gone, and not with them anymore. Well, this 4th movie is basically a Bo Peep RetCon. And it’s really, really good. I think I even enjoyed it more than the 3rd one. I’m going to be the controversial one by saying that I didn’t find Toy Story 3 all that memorable other than them about to be fried in that furnace and then the tear jerking ending of Andy giving his toys to a new little girl, Bonnie. And I’ll even double down on the shock value and tell you that #2 blew me away when I saw it in theaters and is still my favorite of the franchise to this day. Now is the time though, when all childish things must come to an end, and hopefully, even though this was great, it is definitely the last film.

And yes, I know that they introduce a new character named Forky (voice by the great Tony Hale), and I know that he’s getting his own Disney + series (hard pass), I’m meaning as far as theatrical films go, I hope this is the last one. And yes, I will even admit to you that this movie was unnecessary. But look at Pixar and their cash cow. They made three completely unnecessary films about Cars that were either too boring or too wacky. It was even revealed in a recent article that they started planning and writing Toy Story 4 before 3 even hit theaters, and that was 9 God damn years ago. But given that the recent article said that Pixar will be focusing on original films going forward and there won’t be many sequels anymore, and the Forky series, I have a feeling that this will be the last one. Because after the mid credits scene roles, there is literally no more story left to tell, even with Bonnie, because it was just be recycling Andy growing up all over again. You’ve had the toys almost get lost and die a thousand times, you’ve gotten the story line of what if some of the toys were collector’s items, and you’ve all had one dimensional villains that either want to destroy everything or keep the depressing status quo.

Which is why I liked this film quite a bit, because of Gabby Gabby, the first true villain of the franchise that actually had an arc (Sid, the Prospector, and the Giant Purple Bear weren’t all that interesting to be honest). They took her to a place I didn’t think they would go, and was very grateful to get something different. And the reason why I’m really calling this film “Woody (and Bo’s) Epilogue” is because, other than those two and a few new characters, all of the other ones get the shaft. And I get it, Toy Story 3 was their ending, and this is Woody and Bo’s, but this film has Buzz Lightyear featured the very least in any of the film in the franchise. Other than one ‘inner voice’ joke, that was actually hilarious and a lot of fun, I’d say Buzz is in the movie for less than 20 minutes, with that joke being the brunt of it. I guess I could forgive it, seeing that the film opens 9 years prior to show how Bo really went away and Woody seemingly giving her one last goodbye, but there had to have been some way to feature Buzz more in this film. Consider that my biggest criticism of the film.

The rest is fantastic though. I loved that the film took place mainly in an RV, at a fair, and one of my favorite locales in the whole franchise, an antique shop. I loved Gabby Gabby’s really creepy ventriloquist henchmen (provided some weird dark comedy). I loved the new characters, like Forky mentioned earlier, a pair of duck and bunny stuff prize dolls voiced by Key and Peele, and especially Duke Caboom voice by none other than, the celebrity getting the most love he’s ever gotten in his career this year, Keanu Reeves. He completely steals the show, and the film even (stay thru the mid credits!) gets Reeves to do his one signature line we’ve made fun of him for, but also praised him for, and have been doing homages ever since. I found myself laughing out loud in the theater quite a bit too, which just gives the movie even more brownie points. If you are a kid film made for kids, but you get adults to laugh out loud and smile along, you know you are a special film.

And obviously, since we’ve had this franchise since the mid 90s, this is the most visually striking of all the films. They manage look crisper and more detailed every outing, and that is very much appreciated (although for the love of God don’t run out of ideas and then George Lucas everything by remastering the first three films with better digital effects). The voice acting is all there, with Hanks and Potts almost making me cry with their interactions. It’s a very, very solid Pixar movie in general. And was so, so, so, so much better than the kind of okay sequel we got last year with Incredibles 2. I’m very, very happy and excited for the future of Disney/Pixar after this film, and the fact that they said they are going to focus on original tales from now on. But this needs to be the last Toy Story theatrical film. There is no where left to go. And I swear to God, someone needs to hand me a poison vial or shoot me in the face if they ever announce a Cars 4.

My Rank Of Toy Story Films:

Toy Story 2
Toy Story
Toy Story 4
Toy Story 3

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: CHILD’S PLAY (2019) (no spoilers)

It’s a miracle beyond modern Hollywood science that CHILD’S PLAY (2019) doesn’t suck major doll ass. In fact it is pretty entertaining, with some gruesome cool kills and Mark Hamill’s wonderful, wonderful voice work for the new Chucky. The movie is flawed to be sure, and doesn’t even come close to any kind of ballpark when talking about the brilliant original film, but when recent remakes/reboots have been complete and utter dog shit (looking at you Pet Sematary), anything half way decent is a warm welcome. The key to the whole thing: other than the character’s names and one kinda/sorta borrowed climax piece of dialogue, the story is completely different. The problem with the new Pet Sematary is that it tried to tell the same story as the book and the original film, but majorly changed a couple of key things where it ultimately tripped on itself and fell hard. The new Child’s Play takes the notion of a killer ginger doll named Chucky, and pushes itself off into its own unknown.

For the rest of this review, I thought I’d take a cue from Comingsoon.net and do a different kind of review, basically just listing What Worked and What Didn’t with no spoilers and then my concluding thoughts, so let’s try this out:

WHAT WORKED

Mark Hamill’s Voice

Honestly if it wasn’t for Mark Hamill’s fantastic voice work here, this movie probably would have been a disaster. The few clips and audio sound bytes had me worried that he’d sound too much like the Joker, but other than the laugh, this is a new original Hamill take on Chucky. Instead of being a soul of a psychopathic serial killer, the doll is just a AI learning robot that runs AMOK when he realizes he can’t play with Andy and be his best buddy all the time, and Hamill’s voice makes an entirely new character that separates itself completely from the genius of Brad Dourif’s original work.

2. The Completely Different Story

I sort of liked that the filmmakers made Chucky just a little sympathetic this time around (think of a doll version of The Cable Guy). And yeah, yeah I know it takes away from the menacing mean no holds barred factor of Dourif’s work, but the filmmakers wanted to separate themselves and do something new and “with the times”, and go the route of AI technology going haywire. It seemed like the most obvious and best way to go, and I’ll have to agree. Andy is also older in this, so the real question I had going into it was: why the hell would this 13-14 year old boy want a doll like this? Well, the movie plays on the kids loneliness after just moving, the advanced technology angle (this doll can do a shit load of stuff because it is tied with Kaslan products ((Think Alexa and Amazon.com)), and other inner turmoils fortunately make his initial attachment to the doll believable. The kills are different, there are actual other kids that befriend Andy in this film, and the climax does things that none of the other Chucky films have done thus far.

3. Andy and Other Killer Tidbits

As I said above, Andy in this is older, and the actor that plays him, Gabriel Bateman, makes this character more interesting than he was in the original movies. Andy here has more to do, so it isn’t just a little 6 or 7 year old whining how “Chucky did it!” and just screaming for his mommy the whole time (I’ll admit, the original Andy gets much, much better in Child’s Play 2). Gabriel Bateman is a fantastic edition, and if there happens to be sequels, would love to see him come back. Other little tidbits: I liked how Chucky’s Vietnam origins. The kills are nice and gory, with the first major human death by Chucky being a gift that kept on giving (literally). And the end credits was a precious gift as well: it features Mark Hamill singing the new Buddi Doll song with sadistic hilarity. Make sure to stay to the very end (no extra scenes, but the end of the great song). As one other movie critic said, “the funniest end credits song since Clint Eastwood sang one for Gran Torino.”

What Didn’t Work

The Climax

Without getting into spoilers, the climax has a bunch of people running amok and getting killed, but it ultimately felt very rushed and needed a few moments to take a breather. I didn’t think the movie used the fact that Chucky could use his hilarious E.T. like finger and control other Kaslan products to their full killing potential. Especially in the location of the climax where it was full of other electronic goodies. The climax felt rushed because the editing also felt a bit choppy. The movie was doing so well by that point that with really strong scenes coming before it, it was a little bit anti-climatic and sort of a let down. It really should’ve been expanded about 10 minutes with some more cool kills and small rewarding character moments. But that’s just me.

2. Aubrey Plaza And Wasting Brian Tyree Henry

Aubrey Plaza isn’t very good in this. She seems to be a different version of April from Parks & Recreation in every other project that she does, and here is no different. They have a one line thing explaining how she’s still a very hot looking mom, but she was completely unbelievable as a mother. Makes me pine for Catherine Hick’s performance in the original. And while Brian Tyree Henry (he has been excellent in whatever he does) does what he can as the cop that just “happens” to be living with his elderly mom as Andy’s neighbors, his role is ultimately wasted, and make it seem like they could’ve completely written his character out and had background minor speaking cop roles and it could’ve all worked out the same.

3. Other Little Plot Contrivances and Conveniences

Also what didn’t work was some of the usual flawed script problems with little plot contrivances and conveniences every now and then. Smart characters do dumb and stupid things that are out of character. I mentioned above that the one main cop happens to live next door to Andy and is called upon to investigate strange deaths. I would’ve liked to see the screenplay have a more natural way where Tyree cops character comes into the fold. Chucky is also constantly in the right place at the right time now matter how far away he originally was. I could go on and on but its just the stupid little horror cliches that end up getting on my nerves, and into my reviews, no matter what new suspense film come out.

4. The Look Of The Doll

I hope that whoever designed Chucky in the 80’s with those wonderful practical doll effects is a multi-millionaire, because the look of the doll here is really lacking. And yes, I do realize that in the original films it was a soul of a human in the doll, and the doll was slowly getting human blood, organs, and other anatomy because of magic voodoo shit as time went by, yadda, yadda, yadda. But why was the look here so ‘meh’? And while the doll looks a little creepy here, it feels as though a lot more effort should’ve been put into maybe making Chucky look cute and innocent at first and then really maniacal once shit went down. But instead, the doll just looks fake and creepy at, and then its eyes just glow red and eyebrows furrow a little bit when Chucky is upset. Yes, it was supposed to look more mechanical due to the fact that it was just AI running amok, but in no way, shape, or form could I see people actually wanting this product for their kids even though it could do a whole bunch techno shit. Surely a company out there would design and sell better. Wasn’t buying the hype displayed here for the product. Minor nitpick about the doll: some of the one liners made me laugh out loud, but basically most of the time the doll was just a parrot, telling victims things it was taught earlier in the film. But since hearing Hamill actually say them made me laugh, and the fact it was supposed to be a AI doll learning from its environment, that nitpick is totally forgivable.

So overall the new Child’s Play was good not great, but we have to consider that a miracle. Everything was pointing at it to be awful. Everything. The fact that the review embargo didn’t lift until less than 24 hrs from hitting theaters. The fact that it barely showed Chucky in the promotional materials and you hardly heard Mark Hamill say a thing (how the marketing didn’t focus on Hamill and his brilliant voice performance is quite odd, I guess they wanted everything to be a surprise, but unfortunately you can’t really do that anymore this day and age unless you are of Avengers Endgame type quality). That fact that I’m so in love with the original Chucky and think that the 80’s Child’s Play is one of the best horror films of all time. My expectations were low as they could ever be. But then reviews saying it was “flawed but fun” gave me a little hope and I tried to go in with more of an open mind. It would be nice if this new Child’s Play should set the standard with remakes/reboots being half way decent going forward. Then Hollywood would have no choice but to improve, improve, and improve upon that standard. But who am I kidding? That’s not how the studios play, and it will never be their game of choice let alone even an idea that is kept pent up in their very small scope toy box.

My Rank of Chucky Films:

Child’s Play
Child’s Play 2
Cult Of Chucky
Curse of Chucky
Child’s Play (2019)
Bride of Chucky
Seed of Chucky
Child’s Play 3

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: I AM MOTHER (Netflix) (No Spoilers)

Holy shit, a Netflix original film that is actually pretty great! What is the ratio now, 15 to 1? Give it the benefit of the doubt with 10 to 1? Either way, it’s rare. And I don’t mean good film, I mean great. The good film ratio is probably more 7 to 1 or 5 to 1. But sometimes it is tough to weed through all the shit on the streaming platform before getting a gem like this one. I AM MOTHER is a little post-apocalyptic scenario film combining the plots of several films along the way but providing enough little twists to make it effectively unique. It’s all the end of the world films you’ve seen combined with the tight space enclosure that was Ex Machina. It’s just an impressive movie I think if possibly they got some up and comers and cast someone other than Hilary Swank (who used to be a Oscar champion but has since relegated herself to small independent projects), it could’ve been a huge hit at the theater. In one of those rare moments, I’m actually thanking Netflix for picking up and streaming this film to begin with. And no, this isn’t a sequel to I Am Legend, although at some part of the film I was convinced it was going to tie itself into another well known franchise (it obviously doesn’t but you can completely guess which franchise I’m thinking of halfway thru).

The film mostly takes place in this bunker like facility. At the beginning of the film, the audience is let known that an extinction level event has just taken place (it doesn’t show it, one of the films many strengths). All we heard is a bunch of nuclear like explosions going on outside and rattling said bunker. A life sized robot named Mother awakens, and takes a human embryo out in this facility because it has the capability to quickly make a little human being (24 hrs or your money back! jk, jk). Some years later, that child has grown up into a teenage girl (doesn’t say her age), which Mother cares for, feeds, teaches school and life lessons, etc. Really only one main rule, never go outside the bunker and anything that happens to maybe come in, needs to be incinerated immediately for safety’s sake of the nuclear fallout. Mother ‘sleeps’ at night and recharges her batteries. One night the girl hears some sounds coming from the front entry lock of the facility, and it is an older adult woman, played by Hilary Swank (none of these characters that we actually see have names and the ones we do hear of but never see have biblical ones). The older woman is shot and in desperate need of help. And all I’ll say next is, when these three unite, nothing is as it seems.

And that’s literally all I can say about the plot. The whole thing has little twists and turns every couple of minutes where eventually I didn’t know who to really trust until the end credits, and even after that I was questioning myself. I Am Mother also has one of the best looking robots in recent cinematic memory and also praise it for using practical means to make it come alive (male in a very elaborate suit) and only noticing a tiny amount of CGI when Mother was running ((and even that I’m not positive was CGI)). The mother is voiced by the wonderful Rose Byrne. And I understand why it was an American accent, but with this and now Modern Family, I just wish some movies would let her go back to letting her use her wonderful Aussie one. We all know Hilary Swank can act, she’s won two Oscars for God’s sake, but how does she fare here? Well, she has a lot more screen time than I thought she would, given that she is the ‘And’ celebrity on the poster and other promotional materials. There is a mystery about her character and she plays off of that very well without being too mysterious…if what I just said makes any fucking sense. She’s good is what I’m trying to say. Swank usually doesn’t phone shit in and here is no different.

The teenage girl, played by Clara Rugaard, really 21 in real life, does a great job too. The whole film is on her shoulders and she pulls off every emotion that she needs to give off in every pain staking situation she is pulled into. If her performance failed, the whole movie would’ve, but she’s tremendous here. And I won’t say whether or not you ever see outside the bunker, but I just wanted to commend the great CGI work here. It isn’t the best CGI in the world that I’ve seen, but they managed to have pretty great visuals for a film I’m assuming that was on a small budget. And I think that practical robot effects for Mother was what would make or break the film for anyone. If it was a CGI creation, I don’t know if I could’ve gotten into the film as much as I did. It makes me wonder if ‘practical effects on Mother only’ was written into the script.

I’ve never heard of the director, Grant Sputore, so I’m assuming this might be his first movie. I haven’t heard of the screenplay writer, Michael Lloyd Green, either. But what a tremendous debut if this was their first big gig and I look forward to more projects from them in the future, I just hope it is something I can watch on a big screen. Anyway, I just went into this film without seeing a trailer, because the description intrigued me, and I still haven’t watched the trailer. I suggest you do the same. I’m afraid to watch it still because I have a feeling that it will give away some of the neat little reveals in the film, I hope it doesn’t. But if the premise intrigues you, I encourage you to check it out whenever you can on Netflix. This is one of their great original films that shouldn’t be missed, especially with all the other bullshit more than half of you watch on their and consider it ‘good entertainment.’ That thought frightens me.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: LATE NIGHT (no spoilers)

FYI, I can’t stand Mindy Kaling as an actress. It’s not that I think she’s ugly or anything, I just can’t stand her high pitched whiny voice, her personality and demeanor, and that she plays basically the same character no matter which program she is on. That being said, I think she’s an incredible writer. She’s written some of the best episodes of the office, the best episodes of The Mindy Project, and LATE NIGHT is her first screenplay for a feature film, and I kind of loved it. It makes me look forward to her future projects for the big screen, and I will actively seek them out, unless she keeps acting in her writing projects. Unless she can change her acting style, I really would prefer that she took more of a role behind the scenes and less in front of the camera. Maybe even try her hand at directing, but definitely not direct herself.

Not only does her dialogue, story, and some unconventional little twists to her story make Late Night a nice bright spot in this June gloom summer month, but once again, Emma Thompson completely steals the show as late night host Katherine Newbury, who is about to lose her show even though she’s been on the air since forever, because the past decade her material and jokes have been stale and on auto pilot. No ‘umph’ whatsoever. To change this, she fires a male writer and asks that the show hire a female writer to spice things up. Kaling’s character, even though she works at a chemical factory plant, is the only woman that applies for the job so she just gets it. But with Katherine’s very uptight personality, things of course get off to a rocky start before they get better, and Kaling has a hard time adjusting to a writer’s room where she is the only woman, but once the two set aside their differences and work together, they just might be able to save the show.

Other than the acting from Thompson and the cute quippy dialogue, I actually liked the overall main story, even though in some parts I knew where it was going to go. However, Mindy Kaling threw me a couple of curve balls in several of the subplots that I didn’t see coming. There is one subplot with Katherine’s husband played by John Lithgow that I didn’t see coming, and he had one of the best speeches in the movie. And there is another minor subplot of Kaling getting a love interest in the movie whose conclusion I didn’t see coming as well. It’s the little unique changes in narratives in screenplays that I don’t see coming that I love coming out of movies. Mostly you get them in the big epic tent pole films, but these days, you kind of expect that. When they come out of these little workplace comedies, you end up appreciating them a lot more when they suddenly just show their faces every now and then. Next time though I would suggest to Mindy Kaling to not act in her own screenplays. They could’ve hired someone like Tessa Thompson (who stole the show in Men In Black International even though it sucked), or maybe even a complete no-name to fill in her role. If someone else had played Kaling’s part, I think the movie could’ve even been better than it was.

This review is going to be one of my shorter ones and end with this paragraph, because anything else I say would probably spoil the journey of the movie. What I really liked about the film is that it felt like everyone was working for and on a real late night talk show. There are a lot of movies that, with smaller budgets like these, make everything feel too fictional and visually under-bearing. When watching this film, I felt like ‘Tonight With Katherine Newbury’ had been on for years and I just couldn’t bring myself to ever sit down and watch another episode. And while the film was mostly a point and shoot affair, director Nisha Ganatra did a tremendous job with the performances and slight unique touches with framing at those big pivotal emotional scenes, that I would love to see more projects from her in the future. And Emma Thompson, I’m glad when I looked her up she’s won not only a Oscar for acting but for writing. She is one of the best actresses of this generation. Late Night is just a good time at the movies. And in the summer month of June Gloom, it is nice to have a little savior film to get you out of inevitable doom.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: MEN IN BLACK INTERNATIONAL (no spoilers)

And the June Gloom continues. For the past decade summer blockbuster have been getting a bad rap, mainly the ones that come out in June, hence the Gloom. June summer movies are basically now considered the January dump month movies. Summer blockbusters that studios don’t have a lot of confidence in. I’m not saying ALL of June movies are like that, but some. Other than probably Toy Story 4, look at the films that are coming out: yet another reboot of Shaft that didn’t get good reviews, The Dead Don’t Die which didn’t get good reviews, Dark Phoenix sucked ass, Secret Life of Pets did not get good reviews, the remake of Child’s Play which probably won’t be good, Anna (the poor man’s John Wick), and Annabelle Comes Home. You literally just have Toy Story 4 and Yesterday. Which brings us to MEN IN BLACK INTERNATIONAL, from where I said the “June Gloom continues” you can probably put 2 and 2 together on my thoughts. This new soft reboot (it’s very obviously a sequel but only has an Emma Thompson cameo as a continuation, she obviously walked across the street from the Late Night set, also new out this week), isn’t terrible, but it’s not good either. It has a strong first 30-45 minutes and then struggles enormously with its story, pacing, climax, and overall entertainment value.

During the first act of this I was wondering what the fuck critics were talking about. If there is one strong thing in this film that remains constant it is the wonderful, joyful performance from Tessa Thompson. She completely steals the show from everyone and makes me wish that a. she was in more things and b. made them fix the script before actually signing on to star in it. The first 30-45 minutes is mostly all her story, with her trying to track down the MIB all her life after she saw her mom and dad get neuralized after they see an alien in a house and she doesn’t. An alien which she sees, interacts with well and then lets go out into the wild, which you know will be brought back later in the movie at a crucial life saving time. She finally tracks them down, lets them know she has no attachments to life left, and she gets hired on a probationary basis at headquarters. Right off the bat she gets her first mission and that there might be something fishy going on in London near their other headquarters there. When she finally teams up with Chris Hemsworth is when everything falls off the rails.

And the problem isn’t with Hemsworth at all. While their chemistry in Thor 3 was better, they still work pretty well here where the script switches it up as she’s the rule following rookie and he’s the senior slacker. I liked that. It’s the story that I didn’t give a shit about. At the beginning I thought it would finally bring a main villain to the series (aka their Voldemort) with an alien race called “The Hive,” where this alien race can transform into anyone can manipulate the form of non-living things, but nothing really cool or interesting is done with it. Basically there are these twins at the forefront that can do all this and, it mentions this right at the beginning, they aren’t really Hive they just have their DNA in them or something like that. That part was a little confusing. Anyway, they are after this handheld Death Star like weapon and the whole journey to get it is bland and boring save for this one sequence out in the desert where they meet an ex-alien four armed girlfriend of Hemsworth, played by the great Rebecca Ferguson. She breaths a little life into the ho-hum dragging pacing of the story.

And the climax really isn’t all that great either. I was constantly being reminded of the ending of the much much much much superior first film, and it kind of felt like a bit of a rip off. Also, if you’ve seen the trailers, and you were one of the ones to point at the screen at one of the new characters and said, “whatever bad thing is happening in this film is probably this person’s fault or they’re behind it all,” you are probably right. Right when the first teaser trailer came out for this thing, I guessed the ending, and I was correct, and when it was revealed that I was correct, I got really bummed out. I thought of several other different options they could’ve done, several different paths I was praying they’d take, and they took the most boring option and made it more boring believe it or not. And while I liked Kumail Nanjiani’s voice little small pawn chess piece alien character, he honestly didn’t do much other than being in one of our main MIB pockets for the rest of the movie, and Liam Neeson’s talent is completely wasted here.

The action is bland, boring, and not exciting at all, but I’m not going to blame director F. Gary Gray. He has proven that he is a pretty solid director and can even bring some excitement to the most bland of sequel scripts (see Fate of the Furious). The blame completely falls on Sony Executives and the script. It feels like they went with a first draft just to get it into production. And even though you might look up the screenwriters and see that they co-wrote the first Iron Man, the rest of their filmography is one giant pile of shit, as they also wrote Punisher: War Zone and Transformers: The Last Knight. So yeah, no wonder this movie felt uninspired. When you write action scenes where two protagonist characters are standing on one part of a set, and the bad guys are standing on the other, and our two heroes are just blasting away at them with different guns, going to the next one when one of the weapons doesn’t work, and nothing else happens in that action sequence, THE STUDIOS NEED TO MAN UP AND HIRE OTHER WRITERS TO PUNCH UP THE FUCKING SCRIPT.

And again, the movie isn’t terrible, it’s just bland. And it makes me not want another Men In Black film for quite some time, if ever. The best thing I can say about this movie, is at least it was better than Men In Black II. You want to talk about horrid… Tessa Thompson, Christ Hemsworth, and all the big names attached to this movie, it isn’t going to ruin any of their careers. In fact, any movie makers that do see this will see the spark in Thompson and maybe attach her to a fantastic script where she can do multiple wonders and even get nominated for an Oscar one day. It’s just a minor speed bump in the road of failing franchises. But hopefully its a noticeable speed bump in that maybe studios will take a closer look than just try and rush things into production. But you know Hollywood. The same or some other studio will make the same mistakes in just a few years, and then be like the MIB using their memory wiping Neuralizers, and then try and use those devices multiple times to make you forget that these ho-hum projects exist.

Rank of Men In Black Movies:

Men In Black
Men In Black 3
Men In Black International
Men In Black 2

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: WINE COUNTRY (Netflix) (no spoilers)

When I say no spoilers with WINE COUNTRY, I have to ask myself this question: are there really spoilers in a film about women around the age of 50 just drinking wine, making jokes that land completely flat on their face, and bitching about their youth and current lives for an hour and 40 minutes? No, there really isn’t. As a critic, and as a male, I try to find the value in all movies of all genres. There are chick flicks that I enjoy, and there are action films that I hate, so other than Star Wars, Spielberg, and Tarantino, I don’t feel that I am that biased when it comes to reviewing movies (you can argue with me in a private chat). In my reviews, I always try to say “this movie is for you because of this, this, and this” or “stay away because of this, this, and so and so” but what I truly hate doing is putting a specific movie into two very easy, yet distinct (and possibly controversial) categories: “only if you are a male you are going to love/hate this movie” or “only if you are a women are you going to love/hate this movie.”

If I’ve “triggered” you with that statement, I truly am sorry, but follow along with me in that I do have a point to all this. We can debate the whole gender/sex issue another time. I generally like anyone as long as their heart and attitude are in the right place. No biases or preconceived notions from me. If you are a good person, then I have the up most respect for you, no matter the age, race, gender, sex, etc. etc. etc. The point I’m trying to make is this: you are probably only going to like Wine Country if you are a woman. And I hate saying that. But to me, it feels true and right when I replay this awful film in my mind. Because I truly did not get one minute of it. Throughout the whole hour and 40 minutes of this absolute abysmal slog fest, I did not once laugh out loud, I rolled my eyes about 100 times, and I was wondering how and couldn’t fucking believe that this script was green-lit for the cameras in the first place. The answer I came up with was simple, “I probably would’ve loved this if I was a woman.”

And I am going to stand by that statement, for several reasons. I am going to give two examples from two recent Netflix films where one could say that you would only enjoy them if you were a woman. I almost thought that the recent Netflix film Someone Great (which is currently on my worst of list but I don’t suspect it will be there by the end of the year) was one of those movies, but then the movie got better with a strong third act that contained a really moving dialogue rich speech from Gina Rodriguez that made me ponder life in general. Even though I didn’t ultimately like the film, I, as a man, still got something out of it. Same goes for Unicorn Store (which, thanks to Wine Country, just got kicked off my top ten worst list of the year), halfway through the movie I thought the movie was a little too weird and quirky for my taste, but then Brie Larson’s budding relationship with Mamoudou Athie’s character came in half way thru the film, and the acting in general and Brie Larson’s eye for the camera, made me get a little something out of it even though I ended up not liking it all too much and would probably never watch it again.

I did not get one thing out of Wine Country. I did not get laughter. I did not get insight. I was bored to tears. I did not care about any of the characters. The one male character in the movie, played by Jason Schwartzman, literally had no usefulness , was there for only for a paycheck and his comedic talents were wasted as when he was on screen he was just slapping a raw squid more than half the film (you’ll see). And I started to think about if me and a group of my male friends were to watch this movie alone and then maybe my wife and a group of her friends watched the movie alone, which target group would the filmmakers and Netflix want to talk to to get the best feedback possible. The answer is easy. After the film was done, I went back to a couple of parts of memorable bad jokes that I just didn’t laugh at and wondered, would I have laughed at this if I was a woman and if I was a woman of older age would I relate to the joke better? The answer to all my questions are basically yes at this point.

I’m not trying to be controversial at all. I’m not trying to stir up shit. I’m not trying to be an asshole. I’m trying to prove not just to you, but to myself that when I say this movie is only meant for women and would only be liked by women, that I know I’m telling the truth. I think about every single male friend that I know, and I can’t imagine one of them liking this. I imagine them all the same as me: bored to tears, not laughing, thinking about other female centric films, like Bridesmaids, or a better wine centric movie, like the masterful Sideways, that they would rather be watching. And I think of my wife and her female friends, and I can imagine every single one of them eating this up. Maybe the jokes would be smart to them, maybe they would relate to those jokes and to the characters more. I don’t know. I can’t imagine a woman hating this film, and if you are reading this, saw Wine Country, and hated it, please let me know and let me know in detail why you hated it. Because I really want to prove my notion/theory wrong. This movie is Rated R and while I do appreciate crude humor and good dick and fart jokes as long as they are smartly written, none of the jokes are just smartly written. The women in this movie just blurt out curse words and talk about their vaginas and how they queef or need phallus love, all of the jokes completely missing their witty target. It’s just being crude for shock value, which never works.

This review is already painstakingly long, so real quick, what can I say about the movie specifically? It’s basically a bunch of alum Saturday Night Live women celebrating the birthday of one of them, while drinking wine out at a nice place out in the country, trying drugs they haven’t done before, getting buck wild and talking about life’s quandaries. Some of them get mad at each other at some point but you know how the movie is going to end. And let me check, was the movie written by SNL writers? Yep, it was. Writers that wrote for the show right when it started not being funny anymore and while it is currently not funny anymore. Should I change my opinion to you will only like the movie if you are a woman and if you still somehow think SNL is painstakingly hilarious? Eh. The actresses are all fine in it though, and try to do the best with the shitty script they were given. This film doesn’t tarnish my review of the likes of Amy Poehler, or Ana Gasteyer, or Rachel Dratch. Maybe a little bit of Tina Fey though, she’s annoying and awful in this even though she is barely in it. I think they are all funny women in general and have all shined in some rare funny moments on SNL but especially their non-SNL projects.

But not this. And was there really even a script? Or did a bunch of SNL women stars and writers make up something real quick to get an all expenses paid wine vacation to spend time together and they just happened to bring a camera along so they could honor their part of the film making contract? Basically, if you read my last review, did they fucking Adam Sandler it? Very possible. The only difference is that it looked like the women wanted to be there and tried where Sandler looks like he wants to kill himself after every scene. But I literally got nothing out of this movie, and will never, ever, ever, ever, ever want to watch it again. I guess Netflix is getting the last laugh on me, as I thought their film that went on the streaming service in January, would be sole contender for worst film of 2019. Nope, Wine Country came out of left field and has now taken that title. So in summation: if you are a man, you are going to fucking hate this movie, and if you are a woman, you are going to love it. I decided that the hard maybe of this film catering to SNL apologists turned into a no. Sorry.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: MURDER MYSTERY (Netflix) (No Spoilers)

MURDER MYSTERY is Adam Sandler’s best Netflix film. But it’s still a piece of shit and one of the worst films of the year. Other than the wonderful Chris Farley tribute song Sandler’s has been doing with his stand up tour and just redid on a recent episode of SNL (the whole episode wasn’t bad either), he has been on autopilot ever since after Funny People bombed at the box office. So when you think hard about his filmography, what is Adam Sandler’s last best film? I myself unfortunately couldn’t come up with just one answer but instead three different films in three different categories: 1. Sandler’s last film where he wasn’t on autopilot but the film wasn’t all that good – Funny People. 2. Sandler’s last film that was good fun but not great and he wasn’t on autopilot – Click. 3. Sandler’s last great best film – 50 First Dates. So if you want to go with option 3, that means Sandler hasn’t made a good film since 2004….Holy….Shit….a decade and a half. Abbie Doobie!!!

If you laughed at those last two jibberish words you probably could’ve once called yourself an Adam Sandler fan. At least when he was doing his jibberish routine in Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison, and The Waterboy, he actually made us laugh and was trying to bring the funny. Every film he does now he is either doing it for the paycheck, the ability to take his real family on vacation while he works….or both. And it seems like every time the director yells action in a Sandler film now, Adam pops a Xanax right before he mumbles his first line. Murder Mystery is no different. I don’t want to even explain the plot so I’m just going to give credit to IMDB.com and just copy and paste their one line summary: “A New York cop and his wife go on a European vacation to reinvigorate the spark in their marriage, but end up getting framed and on the run for the death of an elderly billionaire.” See the key word there? Vacation? If you like films that struggle to find endless jokes about Claritin Vs. Allegra, random goats in the road, and aged ham combined with really dumb physical comedy that has absolutely no point, this film is for you. And unfortunately you are also to blame for these types of movies being made.

Unless you are living under a rock you probably know that Jennifer Aniston is in this movie too. And with this and Dumplin’ now under her belt, are we to assume she’s going to be the next once big celebrity stuck in this endless loop of Netflix assembly lined manufactured bullshit? Probably. In my opinion, I don’t think Jennifer Anison has ever been that great of an actress. She showed some potential in the movie Cake, but in everything else she seems like the same character. Again, in Murder Mystery, it is no different. She plays a bumbling wife on autopilot. So you are probably asking yourself if I hate Adam Sandler’s recent movies so much, why in the fuck did I bother even watching this? Gemma Arterton. Probably one of the most gorgeous women on the planet and was the only one in this that felt like they actually wanted to be there and actually tried. I will literally watch everything she does. And in the back of my mind did I have an alterior motive where I wanted another film to add onto my worst list of 2019? Abso-fucking-lutely.

Now I said in my opening that this was Adam Sandler’s best Netflix film, which is true, I wasn’t lying. I will give it two commendations. One, I did not guess who the killer was correctly. I had two theories, both were proven wrong. Two, Adam Sandler’s dumb friends don’t show up in this movie to ruin it. Well, to be fair, one of them makes a cameo as a disgruntled tourist, but the person has two lines, is far off, and I couldn’t tell at all it was Allen Covert until I looked it up, and those lines weren’t memorable for being stupid. So we’ll still count number two as a commendation. The rest of the movie is just filth. Adam Sandler’s arc is that he’s a cop (Sergeant) that has failed his detective exam three times, so I assumed that the movie would use his detective skills to prove he should actually be one in the end. WRONG. Sandler does maybe real detective work in only one scene and that is at the climax in a room where all the survivors are gathered. And that’s a HARD maybe. The rest of the movie characters just come to him and spout off bullshit and in another scene him and Aniston are making up dumb questions to ask the suspects in order for them to possibly confess. There is no real detective work done throughout the entire movie (save for the climax where he is literally putting two lines of dialogue/information together) , and in fact, if I was Sandler’s boss in that fictional world, I would fire his ass for being the most inept lazy cop in existence.

The whole time while watching the movie I was thinking of different and better ways the film could’ve gone, and obviously it didn’t go with any of those options. This entire film was an excuse for Sandler to go on vacation while he does some work on Xanax, while the director gets some gorgeous shots of a foreign city and country side. So other than Sandler, who is to blame? When looking this movie up I was surprised to find out that Sandler didn’t even write the fucking screenplay. But I wasn’t shocked by who it was, James Vanderbilt. He is responsible for Amazing Spider-Man 2, Independence Day 2, Darkness Falls, Basic, and White House Down. Literally the only film he has written that was great was Zodiac, but I have a feeling that was more because of David Fincher’s direction than it was the actual script. So in the end, with Netflix and Sandler, if you have the choice of watching Ridiculous 6, The Do-Over, Sandy Wexler, The Week Of, or Murder Mystery, which one should you choose? Always know that there is the option of not watching any of them at all. Think outside the box, something that Sandler hasn’t done in 15 years.