Zach’s Zany Movies Reviews: TOGO (Disney +)(spoilers if you’ve seen Balto)

When first watching TOGO, the new original movie on Disney +, 30 minutes in, I was like, “what the fuck this is just a rip off of Balto.” And that’s because I didn’t watch one trailer for this film, or research it at all, just heard that it was Disney +’s next original movie that happened to star a great actor, Willem Dafoe, so I just hit play. Turns out, Balto is just the dog that gets way too much credit for 1925 serum run, where diphtheria antitoxin was transported to Achorage, Alaska to very sick children during a giant fucking storm. Togo, at 12 years old, is the one that ran the most miles like a motherfucker to save all those innocents. The owner just didn’t really care much about credit, he cared about the dog’s well being. As for the film itself, it’s not bad, it’s just a more dramatic, no animation at all live action version of….well, Balto. But since Balto was originally distributed by Universal Pictures, you can’t point the finger at Disney this time and say this was simply a mere live-action remake cash grab. There is a more deeper point to this film than just the main dog getting the serum to the sick children. This is a personal story of owner and dog.

And it’s a good story, because we learn that Togo wasn’t always obedient, and the owner didn’t think much of him at first. The film switches from present day (starting with the news of a storm coming and the sick children to going out to save them in the storm), to 12 years earlier, when Togo was a pup. Eventually owner and Togo share more positive experiences with each other and he learned to respect and love the dog. What I appreciated most about this film, is that the film used REAL DOGS, REAL LOCATIONS that did REAL STUNTS/MOVEMENT, and everything about it felt authentic, even when the film obviously switches gears having to use a green screen CGI studio to film the parts with the real dogs running across a frozen lake, with the ice breaking apart and melting. They could’ve went full CGI with the dogs too, but they didn’t, somehow it completely comes together and works. Thankfully the movie doesn’t just focus on just getting the serum to the children, because we saw that with Balto, this focuses on the relationship between Togo, the owner and his wife, and it is quite moving.

Especially because it used a real dog. I keep going on about the real dog thing but have you seen the trailer for the new The Call Of The Wild film with Harrison Ford? Looks awful because it is a completely CGI rendered dog, not even a real dog with a CGI face that they used in the new live action Lady in the Tramp. It looks terrible. Are you meaning to tell me they couldn’t have gotten a real dog to do scenes with Harrison Ford? They got real dogs for the entirety of this thing and managed to not piss off PETA. Whatever, I’m not seeing that horrific CGI ridden trash. I learned my lesson from the new Cats (2019) film (review on that later. Anyway, you can’t go wrong with Togo on Disney +. It’s a pretty solid movie with a solid performance by Willem Dafoe but an even more solid performance by the dogs that played Togo. My only complaint would be, and I checked on my phone to make sure it wasn’t just my television, but a weird sheen to the film with this semi dark like substance on the all sides of the wide screen bar. I don’t know what that was about but it was a tad distracting. Let me know if you see it to. All I have left to say is well done Disney, you managed to sort of make a live action remake without it really being a live action remake. Do that and stop with this Aladdin, Lion King, and Dumbo nonsense. You’ve still got a little magic that can get to people’s hearts, and Togo is that proof.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: 1917 (no spoilers, opens wide January 10th)

Well, well, well, nice to know I got one of the big Oscar hopefuls out of the way and got to see it even before the Golden Globes premiered. Thank you to Cinemark Movie Rewards for the free advance tickets. Needless to say 1917 is a triumph. It’s not just another war film, this one is special because the whole movie is designed to look like one (really two though) continuous takes. Some will say it is just a gimmick. A gimmick is only a gimmick when it doesn’t work, IMO. This absolutely works. The continuous take isn’t just a technical marvel, but it brings passion, tension, and stakes to the plot, acting somewhat as a ticking time bomb for our characters and their mission (sort of what the musical score did for Dunkirk). It isn’t a perfect movie, there are a couple of slower than usual parts, as a lot of the movie is characters walking from point A to point B and telling something about themselves (a la Lord of the Rings). But it is one that will have a lot of people like me talking, especially when it steals every single technical award it is nominated for. If 1917 doesn’t win the Oscar for Best Cinematography for Roger Deakins (who has been nominated countless times and finally one a few years ago with Blade Runner 2049), something is seriously wrong with the Academy.

I suspect a direction nomination should at least be in the cards for Sam Mendes (Skyfall), because what is on the screen is absolutely phenomenal. For me, there will have to be multiple viewings of this as there is just so much going on. It is almost impossible to study the flow of the fantastic steady camera work, to what is going on in the background, and what is lurking behind the shadows. It is just a fantastic piece of technical work. The only hindrance from this being a masterpiece is that the story is a little too straight forward, yes, some twist and turns and a shit ton of obstacles stand in the way, but it is just a “get from point a to point b” in a certain amount of time kind of affair or a shit ton of lives will be lost (on repeat viewings it could get to masterpiece for me however). Two British soldiers are given what seems like an impossible task to deliver a message which will warn of an ambush during one of the skirmishes soon after the German retreat. That the group there is basically running into a trap when they think that the German’s are really on the run. These two soldiers are on there own, into the unknown, going into enemy lines, avoid traps, pitfalls and unseen enemies in the shadows, just to save over 1,600 men, one of them being the brother of one of the two soldiers.

You’ve heard of the movie being just one continuous take, but it really is two, and you’ll blatantly see why without me having to go into spoilers. But the two takes are phenomenally fantastic. Yes, I could tell with some of the editing where exactly they pieced together scenes to make it look like one continuous take (i.e. going into the dark for a quick second or a soldiers backpack taking up the entire frame) but if you don’t look as closely as I do, it is all perfectly seamless. And the acting is pretty solid too. You have two unknowns at the forefront, doing their best acting when their lives are very much at the forefront of danger. And then you have several celebrity cameos spread throughout to stitch the whole thing together. Everybody does a great job. And I was on edge almost the entire time in my seat. The movie also did well at subverting expectations somewhat with the two soldiers on the mission. I won’t say much, but shit goes down I didn’t expect to go down and so soon. The 2 hr film is just one big panic attack giant obstacle course. In the end, it will go down as one of the best technical achievements not only of this decade but of all time. It is some of the best camera work every put to film. Like I said above, taking it all in on just one viewing will not be enough.

1917 will be required Oscar viewing, and I think the buzz is only going to kick up more once this film is released everywhere January 10th (December 25th to New York & L.A.). I think they are pretty confident with this film with these advance screenings to get the word of mouth moving before the New Year hits, I think that is very, very smart. While being Rated R for language and some war violence, I do think this is a film that older families should go together to get the most out of this breathtaking experience. Almost forgot to mention, the most breathtaking visuals are not during the day, but at night, when one of the characters wakes up, and looks out a window, while flares are fired up into the air. Absolutely fucking beautiful. I could watch that scene a billion times. Also, seeing it on the largest screen and with the best sound possible. I think it is even IMAX worthy. My theater, Legacy in Plano, the screen wasn’t the biggest, and the sound wasn’t the best, but it was the only advance showing that I knew of at the time, and wanted to get a check mark on my Oscar list earlier than I thought I would. If I see it again, in a better theater, I think I might rank it higher on my list at the end of the year, we’ll see. Ultimately, I think 1917 will go down as the most talked about war film since Saving Private Ryan. And it’s all deserved.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: RICHARD JEWELL

RICHARD JEWELL is Clint Eastwood’s very best film in a long, long time. I’m talking either Million Dollar Baby or Gran Tarino long. All of this makes me feel that even though he filmed this quickly to get it out by Oscar season, he might’ve cared a little bit more about the material. Now my review isn’t going to get into either of the controversies about how true this film based on a ‘true’ story actually is and the one-sided argument of how fucked up the news media and law enforcement treated this individual and how asinine their investigation was…even though I do really think that they both fucked up royally here. I’m here to talk about the movie. The acting, the direction, the pacing, the story. All of it quite solid, especially Sam Rockwell and Paul Walter Hauser. I took this movie as just a very good cautionary tale on what happens when the upmost care doesn’t get done in investigating an individual of a serious crime.

The movie is about the 1996 bombing of Centennial park during the Olympic Games in Atlanta. A security officer, named Richard Jewell, found a suspicious looking package/backpack under some bench, called it in, and got people to move back enough that even though it went off and did cause some casualties/damage, it wasn’t as bad if he hadn’t discovered it at all. Due to some of Jewell’s past history in trying to get into the law enforcement game and at times trying to take his aspirations a little too seriously, the FBI immediately looks at him as the prime suspect, the information gets leaked to a feisty reporter looking to advance her career, and everything basically goes to hell for the man. The movie right off the bat shows there was in no way Richard Jewell was even remotely responsible or had anything to do with the bombing. None of the timing made sense, and even though the FBI knew that, they still persisted thinking he was their guy, even though nothing else added up either. It takes a toll on not only Jewell, but his mother, who he lives with, as she at first thinks her son is a hero, only to be worried almost to death that her son will be put to death for a crime he did not commit.

The direction from Eastwood and the performances make the movie. If Eastwood got most of this movie in only one or two takes like he normally does, he must’ve had some luck on his side, because the movie’s pacing and editing is quite perfect (compare it to the oddity of his worst film IMO, that 15:17 to Paris film). He has always been an actor’s director, and with Richard Jewell, he just keeps nailing that nail that has already been in the solid ground for quite some time. Sam Rockwell does what he does best, and shows again whey he deserved that Oscar he received for Three Billboards he received a couple of years ago. He plays Richard Jewell’s lawyer, who comes out of it also being a really close friend. He’s amazing. Nasty needs to be, but compassionate at the same time. If this year wasn’t already chocked full of great performances, he’s be nominated for an Oscar soon. The truly extraordinary performance though is from Paul Walter Hauser as Richard Jewell. I had heard some things about his performance going into it, and about 30 minutes in, I didn’t really know what everyone was raving about. But about 5 minutes after that, wow. What might just get him a nomination is a scene where Rockwell’s character asks him if he’s mad, and Hauser just blows up and screams, “of course he is” and from then on his performances reaches levels I didn’t think it would go to at the beginning of the film. If you need only one reason to see this movie, it is his performance alone. He isn’t entirely new to Hollywood, you might know him more for being a comedian and bit roles in Late Night and BlackkKlansman.

Kathy Bates is also getting Oscar talk, playing Jewell’s mother, and other than one scene where she is behind a microphone, talking to the world defending her son, I honestly don’t see the fuss. Kathy Bates has always been a great actress, but I just don’t see her deserving of a nomination here. She plays a worried mother well, but I’ve seen it all before. She already has her Oscar, time to look for someone new. But yes, this movie is a roller coaster ride, at points you think that Richard Jewell has no way out, and that fate is certainly stacked against him, but then he and his lawyer start fighting back, and there is nothing to do but to hope and cheer for him to get on the right side of things. It very much acts like a procedural episode on any sort of law enforcement television show, but with amped up acting and direction. The 2 hr and 10 minute run time flew by, and at one point I was worried everything was happening too quickly. But rest assured, it didn’t, and I’m glad to see that a Clint Eastwood film finally has some merit again for deserved Oscar talk. It was a very interesting study on not just character, but on the media and justice system as a whole.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: 6 UNDERGROUND (Netflix, no spoilers)

Director Michael Bay’s filmography is both a blessing and also a bit frustrating. In the 90s he gave us some of the best action films ever made, such as Bad Boys, The Rock (easily his best film), and Armageddon. And then Pearl Harbor happened. Not sure why they thought combining Bay and basically almost ripping off the success of Titanic would actually work. But then we returned to form with a sequel to Bad Boys and the very underrated The Island. And then…Transformers happened…and kept happening…and kept happening…with Pain & Gain and 13 Hours…two okayish films, snuck in there during brief breaks from robots in disguise…and yeah, things turned to shit quickly. Other than the first Transformers (I guess) and a couple of cool shots in Dark of the Moon…the Transformers series felt like Michael Bay on autopilot. He knew the script was shit, but he did his job…but maybe his heart wasn’t in it anymore. But now that they kicked his ass to the curb and he didn’t do Bumblebee (thank the fuck Christ, I know people love it, I thought it was shit), we get the new 6 UNDERGROUND, his first film for Netflix. And despite it not clicking with critics, it clicked with me. It is easily his best film since Bad Boys II and The Island, and it seemed like Bay was actually having fun again with his so-called “Bayhem.”

And while the editing is EXTREMELY jarring, I still kind of loved this film. Bay is back with another R rated actioner, and he wears that R rating on his sleeve, with some of the most insane brutal kills with tons of guts and gore that it somehow out does the carnage from Bad Boys II. And Ryan Reynolds is the main lead in this and he is…well…Ryan Reynolds at his finest. Basically a more serious non costumed Deadpool. Cracking one liners but with a little more focus on taking out dictators obsessed with genocide. The story, actually written by the guys that wrote both Deadpools, is about a billionaire (a non famous, not in the limelight one…how is that even possible?) who gets fed up with dictator assholes one day as he is almost killed doing charity work, trying to bring food and supplies to poor parts of the country but then almost right after he arrives his location gets bombed and gassed to high hell. He gets so fed up, that he fakes his death, and then recruits other people with special skills (ex-CIA, parkour thieves, expert drivers), fakes their deaths too, so they can join his underground “ghost” team and help take down terrorists and dictators that the U.S. Government wouldn’t touch politically with a ten foot pole. This film tells of their mission to take down the dictator that bombed the site he was at while he was still “alive,” and put that dictator’s brother in charge of the country, who completely disproves of what his leader brother is doing, and actually wants their country to be like the U.S., a democracy.

6 Underground stands for 6 members of a team, which include Ryan Reynolds. The rest of the team is filled up by the great Melanie Laurent, Manuel Garcia-Rulfo, Ben Hardy, Adria Arjona, and a new recruit (gotta have that in the story for character introduction purposes), played by Corey Hawkins. They don’t know each others names, and only acknowledge each other by their number, 1 2 3 4 5 6. It is so that there are no attachments, nothing to make each other feel like a family. If you can’t make it to rendevoux point, you get left behind. The film switches from their current mission to little zany mini origins of all 6 members, which fills out the 2 hr 8 minute run time and keeps the pace flowing and the fun never stopping. Everybody gets several moments to shine, but the main focus is kept on Reynolds, followed by Corey Hawkins and then Melanie Laurent. Everybody is great here, but I felt like Adria Arjona got the short end of the stick. She’s good in this too, but I would’ve liked to see a little bit more character development from her as I feel like when the end credits hit I didn’t know much at all about her character like I did the others. She’s a good actress, memorable probably from Narcos and The Belko Experiment, so it puzzles me why she’s not featured in the film that heavily. I feel like there is probably a Michael Bay cut of a 3 hour movie here, and her moments were the ones that were left on the cutting room floor. Maybe they can bulk her up in an inevitable sequel.

The first 25 minutes of the film is one long awesome car chase, which should’ve had a giant watermark of “I’m Back” from Michael Bay in the background, because its is the best car chase I have seen in a long long long long long time. But that isn’t the only great special action set piece. There is one in the middle of the film involving a pool and one at the end involving a boat that involves magnets in one of the most visually stunning scenes I’ve ever seen come out of Bay’s filmography. You’ll know what I mean when you get to that part. The film is just plain fun, with the chemistry of the team being solid yet fancy free, and the quips and jokes from everyone, especially Reynolds, hitting their mark each and every single time. The only thing that will put some people off about this film is that the editing is extremely jarring. There is not one shot that lasts more than 5 seconds, and I’d say the average shot only lasts about two seconds. But if you are used to Michael Bay movies, you should already be used to it, as that shit hasn’t stopped since Armageddon. I have a feeling he films so much shit that his editor has to take a boat load of pain pills just to be able to control his headache while trying to put the movie together. The only thing true thing I can say about Michael Bay is this: the son of a bitch knows how to beautifully film an action sequence, no matter how jarring the editing and no matter how shitty the script is.

At least the jarring editing isn’t combined with a shaky cam. Bay also knows how to film static shots, even though they might be quick cut where every scene only lasts .5 seconds. I’d rather having static shots with jarring editing, than decent editing but with constant shaky cam. Anyway, 6 Underground is what Netflix is partly made for. Fun films like this. I really hope that Michael Bay and Netflix, after this film, maybe sign a numbered picture deal, because Bay could have unrestricted fun on this platform. You can tell with this movie, they just handed him the money, green lit the script and just said, “do whatever you want. go for it, we will not intervene.” When the movie was done they just released it, no questions asked. Because they know that Bay, when it doesn’t have to deal with fucking emotionless robots, can deliver a half way decent entertaining ride. This is one of those, no more, no less. Not one of the best films of the year, but one I would definitely watch again on Netflix with friends who haven’t seen it, or if I’m bored and can’t find anything else to watch that day. 6 Underground is Bayhem at its finest. If you’ve missed that Bayhem since his great action films from the mid to late 90s, and then Transformers ruined everything, then 6 Underground is Bay’s fun return to form.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: JUMANJI – THE NEXT LEVEL (no spoilers)

My review could easily be done in one sentence: If you liked Jumanji: Welcome To the Jungle, you are going to like JUMANJI: THE NEXT LEVEL. It’s that simple. It’s a more of the same adventure with a couple of twists here and there to qualify it as a sequel and not an almost straight up remake like The Hangover: Part II was. However, a word of warning, with me at least, they will not be able to get away with the same thing a third time, something new MUST happen or the premise is going to run its course. Thankfully, an almost right after the credits start, a scene shows that the franchise might have an ace up it sleeve to come back one more time. The reason why the first (or is it second?) Jumanji worked so well was not necessarily the story, the action sequences, and it was definitely not because of a well developed villain, but it was the chemistry of the four main leads: Dwayne Johnson, Karen Gillan, Jack Black, and Kevin Hart (with Nick Jonas thrown in halfway through the film). That’s what made Welcome To The Jungle semi-special. It is also what makes this film semi-special too, as the chemistry is still there, even though some of them have different personalities than they did before.

The problems with this one though are the exact same problems that there were in the first film. The action sequences aren’t too memorable (they are fine though) and the movies have a big villain problem. I didn’t even realize this but I just found out that Bobby Canavale was supposed to be playing Van Pelt, the bad guy played by Jonathan Hyde in the real first Jumanji with Robin Williams. That’s how unremarkable Canavale role was and how underdeveloped that character was written. Jonathan Hyde mainly knocked it out of the part in the one with Robin Williams is because the villain was a mirror image of what Alan Shepard thought about his father, which made the Van Pelt frightening and scary. Welcome To The Jungle’s Van Pelt was just a one dimensional plot point only there to advance our four main leads story. In this film the villain is named (goes to check IMDB because the villain is so unremarkable again I didn’t even know his name) Jurgen The Brutal, and he has even less screen time than Van Pelt did. The villain is played by Rory McCann, who played ‘The Hound’ in Game of Thrones, and it looked like he finished filming for that series and just walked onto the set of this one, sans the scar. Really unremarkable. I really wish for the third one that they can write someone memorable, and not just something to serve as a plot device.

Sorry if I sounded harsh just then but I wanted to get the things that bothered me out of the way, as I really did enjoy the film almost as much as this one, and again, it is because of the chemistry of all the characters that get more than 10 minutes of screen time. The story with this one is that all the kids from the last one are now coming home from college for winter break. We find out that they are all still pretty close friends, except for Spencer, who isn’t Martha’s boyfriend anymore, and has had a hard time in New York. He wants to feel how he felt after the first adventure, and in his mind the only way to do that is to go back into Jumanji and be Dr. Bravestone again. The friends stop by his house because he misses a morning brunch get together with them, and they find out that he got the game back after they thought they destroyed it at the end of the last film, and that he put it back together and is already inside the game. They decide to go in and get them, but when they do, not everything is the same as last time: while Martha still goes into Karen Gillan’s avatar, Bethany doesn’t get sucked into the game at all, Fridge is now Jack Black’s character, and Spencer’s grandfather and his old friend, played by Danny Devito and Danny Glover respectively, get sucked in from the kitchen and end up being Dwayne Johnson and Kevin Hart’s avatar.

Thankfully this body/personality switching gimmick for the sequel works, because if it didn’t, I think the whole movie would’ve fallen apart. Instead of Jack Black stealing the show out from everyone in this (he still has great moments of course), everybody gets a chance for more screen time, including Karen Gillan, who I think becomes a better actress with each and every film that she does. And while Dwayne Johnson is still as good as always, the one who surprisingly steals the show this time is Kevin Hart, because with Danny Glover’s character’s personality inside him this time, he isn’t just playing himself, annoyingly screaming and yelling every minute. He talks slow and off topic like old people do sometimes, and the combination is hilarious, capturing Glover’s mannerisms perfectly. You’ve seen from the trailers that there is sort of a body/avatar switching gimmick in the game, but thankfully it is used only sparingly, and it makes sense for it to be there with what is going on and the character’s plight/mission. The main new addition in this is Awkwafina, whose role I will not spoil. Needless to say, she expands her acting chops…for most of the movie at least, and isn’t just playing herself. You’ll see what I mean. But if Awkwafina usually isn’t your cup of tea, you might at one points start rolling your eyes again, as she gets goofy because of the avatar switching gimmick I mentioned earlier.

But yes, I still really liked this film, and looking at some critics reviews, I think they are being too harsh. Yes, I do realize that this is just more of the same, and usually more of the same just doesn’t work anymore. But I thought there was enough different twists, themes, and surprises to make itself stand out, and the fact that everyone plays someone different at some point in time in the movie made it not only entertaining on another level (pun intended), but brought out some new laughs I didn’t know this franchise had in it. This had a cool little grand adventure I really wished that another family film still out in theaters, Frozen II, had ended up having. And like I said, at the very end of the film, the story and right after the credits scene revealed that it might have some ace up its sleeve to have a third (4th) final picture to have everything come full circle. The title, The Next Level, is really quite appropriate, as it is kind of like any next level of the original Super Mario Bros. video game, honestly just more of the same, but a little different and a little harder to make the whole adventure worth it.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: BLACK CHRISTMAS (2019)

I don’t normally get offended very easily while watching movies. If I ever do get offended, it’s normally because a film is trying to pass itself off as something completely original and instead is just a scene by scene rip off mash up of other, better films in the same genre. Those definitely do not put a smile on this face. BLACK CHRISTMAS (2019) is one of the only handful of films that have offended me in a different way. This is the first one to offend me as a man. Do know this: I do not mind or hate #metoo, feminist, girl power, gender equality films at all. In fact, some of those films are absolutely fantastic, from guilty pleasures all the way to being some of the best films ever made and on my list of personal favorite films of all time. Black Christmas takes its message, one that could have been better portrayed by different filmmakers, puts it on top of a sledgehammer and just beats you to death with it. Let me rephrase: HATEFULLY beats you to death with it. This film is the most anti-man, hardcore feminist, man hating film I have ever seen. It basically just yells in your face that ALL men are rude, obnoxious, women hating rape monsters. We are all terrible pigs and we want all the power and we want women to always be behind us and never have any power of their own. And we want to kill all the women that stand in our way. This film is just one giant hate filled message that a. isn’t subtle or clever, b. only one sided, and probably the worst part about it is that c. it isn’t scary at all.

If you didn’t know, this Black Christmas is the 2nd remake of a 1974 horror classic. Do us all a favor and just watch that one. Not this one, and definitely not the 2006 mess either. Anyway, while those two films are very related to each other story wise, this Black Christmas is a remake that’s by name only and the only other connection is a location link in that they all take place on a college campus with fraternities and sororities. This story is about a girl named Riley, who is still trying to recover after being raped by a fraternity (named AKO) president named Brian, who was not convicted by the police but forced to leave the campus just the same. He is in town visiting and is in the audience when the girls participate in the AKO talent show and they utterly humiliate the fraternity brothers by changing the lyrics to a Christmas song and turning it into a song about male toxicity and rape culture (the only funny and clever part of the film and its message). Soon, sorority sisters are being killed off one by one by a cloaked figure in a mask. And then the rest of the film is just the girls talking about how all men are awful (even the phase “oh no you didn’t just ‘not all man’ me”) and then the climax of the film helps, in a ridiculous and non realistic fashion, stab that message into your blood stream, over and over again. Of course, this film being a dumb-downed PG-13 horror film, you don’t get any blood, you don’t get any kills on screen, and all you get are cheap, unearned jump scares.

The whole time while I was watching the movie I was thinking, “this has a good idea somewhere in its soul that could bring a good conversation to the table about male toxicity and rape culture…but this is all just so one-sided and hateful to be it.” It would’ve helped if there was more than just one…one and a half small role male sympathetic characters in the movie. Hell, it might’ve even helped if those two roles were a little beefed up, instead of both being either a. easily corrupted or b. killed off very quickly. The one really sympathetic male character in the film, Landon, seemed like he was a last minute addition to the film, where the studio went, “whoa hey, uhhhh yeah, you need to have a sympathetic male in the film, no matter how small the role, or people aren’t going to take your message seriously.” They were right about that. Every piece of dialogue in this film is just a hateful message that I couldn’t take seriously because of its bias. The script, in my opinion, needed a large overhaul, with a carefully calculated plan of action, with more subtlety and cleverness than just spewing hatred out of its mouth the entire time. I get it, sometimes people won’t listen unless you scream right into their ear. I don’t think you can do that with movies though, because then you just seem like a raging Michael Moore whose only opinions you care about are your own.

But let’s steer away from the man hating agenda and get to the most offensive thing about this film: it’s not scary. This is supposed to be a horror film about female empowerment yet the filmmakers decided to dumb everything down with a “play it safe” PG-13 movie with no blood, no gore, and no scares. Just cheap unearned jump ones. One of the “frights” even completely rips off one of the greatest scares of all time in Exorcist III. That doesn’t work in general. In fact, it might’ve even helped the message if the film was Rated R, had some more blood and gore to make the killings of these sorority sisters more horrifying to watch and thus become very sympathetic to their cause. But the cutaways are laughable, the off screen deaths just felt cheap, too quick and random to be earned, and the “twist” to what is really going on at the campus is so unbelievably stupid that it renders pointless anything the filmmakers were ultimately trying to say with the film. Without spoiling too much, the film tries to switch genres in the third act and nothing that came before it transitions that switch well. At all. It just comes out of left field, just beats the dead horse “all men are awful” message, and ultimately just falls flat on its face when the movie just abruptly ends.

This whole thing just seemed like a very rushed project in order to release the film by Christmas time. If the filmmakers had been given another year of rewrites, retooling, making a hard cord R rated Christmas horror film and some re-title-ing, this film could’ve worked. Its very frustrating knowing that it could’ve worked well. The only thing decent in the film is the acting. Well, to be more specific. The female acting. Imogen Poots plays the lead with a lot of unknowns and they actually do a pretty good job screaming in terror but then becoming empowered and not afraid anymore and fighting back. All the male characters in this, since they were underdeveloped, the acting turned out to be abysmal. Especially from Cary Elwes, who seems to just ham it up with weird accents that make his characters too over the top nowadays. The whole thing reminded me of that awful new Twilight Zone episode called “Not All Men” from earlier this year. And I thought that episode was hateful…this one takes the candy cane.

I’m not familiar with the other works of writer April Wolfe and writer/director Sophia Takal, but even though I did not like this film one bit, their future project or collaborations I could see have some true potential. They have something to say, it just needs to be more focused, clever, and subtle, and less murdering you right in the face with it. Needless to say, if you hate men, or are a hardcore feminist, or are easily very biased, you are probably going to love this film. If you love the 1974 Black Christmas and hated the 2006 remake, you are probably going to think the 2006 one is a masterpiece after seeing this garbage. It’s a very mediocre bordering on abysmal horror film with a blurry message that not only spoon feds it to its audience, but takes that spoon, and about a dozen other bigger ones, and shoves them all down your throat at once, making you choke to death.

P.S. the trailer has the line “Ho, Ho, Ho Bitch” in it, something I was really looking forward to one of the females saying to the toxic males in the climax. FALSE ADVERTISING! That line in the trailer was nowhere to be found in this film. Also, re watching the trailer, it shows you the whole movie, with almost all the spoilers…the whole thing needed better marketing.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: WAVES (no spoilers)

WAVES is a film playing in limited theaters that is starting to get some Oscar attention late in the game. So naturally I went to see it to check it off my potential nominations list (btw, I’m not doing the full thing like I did last year, only thing I want checked off the list as a whole are the Best Picture nominees). It is actually a really beautiful film about the choices we make and the “waves” of reverberation it has on those around us. The consequences more specifically. While the film is a whole, it is unique by completely switching gears (thankfully not jarringly) a little more than halfway into the film, into another character’s perspective. And the first half will have you nervous what is in store for the characters, while the second half will calm that nerve down but make you a little bit more emotional. With my critique of the film as a whole, I do have to say that one half of the movie works better than the other (the first), but that isn’t to say that the film falters in anyway, it’s just a personal opinion of what worked for me. If you like family dramas with a little bit more of a bite, an edge, this is probably right up your alley. I can tell you that the movie really makes you think about what could happen to you in a flash because of a major split second mistake.

And the film is gorgeously shot too, changing aspect ratios several times based upon the mood of the movie. It was written and directed by Trey Edward Shults, whose only done three films, and I’ve only seen one of the other two, It Comes At Night, and I didn’t really care for it at all. This film shows his true potential. Another thing that makes this film stand out is the fantastic score by Academy Award winners Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, who won a well deserved statue for scoring 2010’s The Social Network. Their work here is nothing short of amazing as well, and I hope that maybe it can sneak into the Best Original Score race come next month when Oscar nominations are announced. What is the movie about? Well, to not get into any spoilers, let’s just say it deals with a family, specifically the brother and the sister. The brother is a praised high school senior athlete, in wrestling, who finds out he has a major, major problem with his shoulder…and his sister, a grade or two below him, stands way under his shadow, but starts to find love with a boy, played by Lucas Hedges. Their father, played by Sterling K. Brown, while a good man, maybe pushes the brother too hard while neglecting the sister a little. And that’s all you need to know. Anything else and the film is completely spoiled.

But it’s a solid movie. The first half is extremely tense, while the second half will probably make you cry Niagara Falls. I expected one of the outcomes of the perspectives to be much worse in my head than what happened on screen, but thinking back on it, that was me just trying to come up with the worst situation possible, and not in regards to what would make a good story or work with the narrative. The acting here also elevates the movie into something that is definitely worth checking out. Sterling K. Brown we all know is a fantastic acting, having already won several Emmy for his work on This Is Us and American Crime Story, and here is he just as good. Maybe not Oscar caliber yet, but extremely close. Lucas Hedges, who has been in a shit ton since being nominated for supporting in Manchester By The Sea, is great here too, playing the sister’s shy love interest. The Oscar caliber performances come from the two playing the brother and sister, Kevin Harrison Jr. (only good part of It Comes At Night) and Taylor Russell (the main girl from Escape Room). Again, without spoiling anything, both of their performances are riveting and heartbreaking. Any other year, they’d be more in the Oscar conversation. But yeah, good film, not much more to say on it, other than what I’ve already said: a solid family drama that makes you think, and will make you think harder with the choices you make in the future.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: MARRIAGE STORY (Netflix, no spoilers)

MARRIAGE STORY is Noah Baumbach’s best film. If you’ve been a long time reader of my reviews, or know me in person, I probably haven’t said too kind a word about most of Baumbach’s filmography including (but not limited to) Greenberg, Frances Ha, The Meyerowitz Stories or even the critically acclaimed The Squid And The Whale. I just thought his films were a little bit too quirky and they were trying to be quirky without being subtle with any of it, trying to shove it in your face and scream in your ear, “Hey, I’m a really quirky independent film, look how fucking quirky I am, you must love me because I’m different and quirky.” No, that shit doesn’t work for me. Marriage Story is his most real and down to Earth film, some parts being quirky, but they earn their quirkiness for being real and not shoving spoonfuls of it into your face. The dialogue is crisp, the acting is fucking phenomenal, both Adam Driver and Scarlett Johansson deserve to be nominated, and I would not raise one concern if they ended up winning. Marriage Story is actually a pretty great film. But I will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever watch it again. Ever. Have I said ever?

Not to rip on the film, it’s trying to be as real as possible, and I appreciate that in the best way possible, but this film is so fucking hard to watch. And I can’t imagine how hard it is to watch for couples/individuals going through a divorce, already been divorced, thinking about divorce, right at the end of a divorce, fuck, even for people going through a small rough patch in their relationship/marriage. It really fucking feels real. Oh shit….did I forget to mention what the film is about? Well, the title is a little misleading isn’t it? The movie is called Marriage Story, but it’s really the story of a couple going through a divorce with a kid. And no, it doesn’t go through flashbacks with them to show their marriage through the years (that is done tastefully and authentically well represented through fantastic dialogue), it is just saying that divorce could be part of a story about marriage. Adam Driver and Scarlett Johansson’s characters are medium profile successful people. Driver’s a director who’s play that he co-developed with Johansson is about to launch on Broadway without her (because of the divorce) and she is a small time actress whose TV pilot got picked up to series, and she had a huge teen movie hit in her past. She moves to L.A. for the show and wants Henry to be with her. Driver wants to stay with his career in New York. They both want to do the divorce without lawyers, but suddenly she’s getting one, which forces him to get one…as you can see, it turns into a giant messy mess, which I’m guessing is what a lot of divorces are and what they do to people.

That’s all I’ll tell you about the story film. The film is a hefty 2 hrs and 15 minutes of just depressing sadness. But there isn’t a slow minute to be found. The dialogue is crisp, clean, interesting to hear, real and comes at you at rapid pace. There are some genuinely funny scenes that try and relieve you somewhat of the trauma these two are going into but don’t be fooled, this movie is a straight one way ticket to Depressed Town. The ending? Hopeful yet real yet still made me sad. It’s just a sad sad sad sad movie. And I think the reason it is so sad is because of the acting and that these characters seem like people you might know in your own lives. Adam Driver and Scarlett Johansson deserve all the acting nods and possible awards they are going to get in this. They are absolutely fucking incredible, the best performances I’ve seen from either of them, and Scarlett was fantastic in JoJo Rabbit just a month ago as well, Driver great in The Report on Amazon Prime. I love how the film paints neither as a bad guy, they are just wanting something different out of their lives, and think that this divorce will finally un-tether a cord that has long been frayed. The movie doesn’t choose sides at all. It chooses a side on certain situations, but these two characters aren’t despicable or ugly or mean, or unforgivable. They are just normal people.

Other fantastic performances include the always amazing Laura Dern and the fiesty Ray Liotta, who play their lawyers. Very good bit parts for them. Marriage Story is an excellent film. I can’t even deny it. There was hard work in writing it I’m sure, and hard work in directing it as Noah Baumbach has stated he took some of what happened with his divorce with Jennifer Jason Leigh into account with this story. It’s very well made and Netflix was very smart into picking this up for their platform. This did not need to be a theatrical release as I think the subject matter wouldn’t have people flocking to the theaters. It’s a perfect little awards film. But I don’t think I could get through it again with how fucking sad and depressing it is. Am I recommending it? If the subject matter doesn’t bother you at all, then I say you absolutely give it a watch. People that cry during movies a lot? No. Depressed individuals? Are…are you kidding? Happy couples or people in a happy marriage? Well, I mean, sure as long as you don’t think it is going to start exposing the little shit layer by layer and then you end up pausing the movie and fighting yourselves. People going through or have been through a divorce? As Leo said in The Wolf Of Wall Street, “Absolutely fucking not.”

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: QUEEN & SLIM (minor spoilers)

While I enjoyed QUEEN & SLIM enough to give it a minor recommendation, mainly because of Daniel Kaluuya’s incredible fucking acting (he’s this generations Denzel, this man will eventually win an Oscar one day, believe you me), the motivation for the Queen character to make them both run away from the scene of the cop shooting (especially since it was recorded on the dash cam and you can clearly see it is self defense) dumbfounded the shit out of me. Especially considering her occupation (a respected attorney) and the fact that she reveals she got a black man off a murder charge before (citing it was an accident, and one could argue that their situation was an accident as well). I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Surely there could’ve been a way to get Slim off via self defense and even more so when they eventually find out the cop had killed an innocent black man before and got off scott free. But no, she makes them go on the lam, when he was wanting to stay at the scene of the incident first place. It just seemed to me to be a bullshit excuse to get the plot rolling, otherwise you would have no movie. Actually, not quite true, them going on trial could’ve been a fantastic legal thriller. Anyways, that main issue, another hiding out issue, plus a couple of weird comedic moments (with a story like this they felt extremely out of place) kept me enjoying the movie to its fullest extent. But their travels, the acting between the two leads, and the ultimate message of the film won me over in the end, but probably not for a second viewing.

If you don’t know the story (you could put my context clues together and figure it out) but two individuals (Queen & Slim) first date takes an unexpected turn when a police officer pulls them over. The police officer goes too far multiple times with the situation, is a white racist asshole, and ends up shooting at Queen, and when Slim gets into a tussle with the officer trying to protect her, he ends up with the officers gun and shoots the asshole in the head. Queen gets Slim to run off with her and they must find a way to keep one step ahead of the police and get out of the country (to Cuba). That set up is a great one. You have conflict, a strong message on police racism and brutality, you got suspense, making it look like self defense makes you care and root for the characters. So what exactly went wrong? I’d point it down to the screenplay having Queen’s occupation being an attorney. Her thinking in just running away from the scene makes absolutely no fucking sense whatever. The whole film I kept waiting for the true motivation for why she really fled the scene and the movie didn’t give it to me. In fact, it kept giving me reasons (combined with the one listed in the first paragraph) that made me even more dumbfounded than I was before. Took me completely out of the film. Her occupation led me to another problem I had with the movie. They go out and hide at her uncle’s for a day and a half. Her being a respected attorney, there is no way they could’ve gotten away staying there for that long. Especially when it reveals that the damn uncle was her first law case and she got him off a murder charge. Wouldn’t have the police looked into relative history right off the bat and sent troops there to check on the house? I mean, come on.

There are also a couple of comedic moments, one that takes place at a burger joint, the other Bokeem Woodbine’s over-the-top acting, that took me out of the film again. Those two moments just didn’t feel to me to be appropriate for the trauma that the two characters were going through. I understand those were created to have some comedic relief moments for not just the characters plight, but for the audience to also take a breather. What confuses me are that there are other, better little moments of lightness the characters experience, like at a dance joint and riding a horse, that fit in with the narrative more more perfectly than the other two unnecessary instances of humor. To me, those two parts could’ve been re written more to fit with those other “relief” moments. That’s probably just going to be my opinion on that though. You’ll probably find those parts hilarious and laugh your ass off. They just didn’t gel for me when I was trying to get into the seriousness of the central conflict. Damn, it seems like I’m getting on to this film a little too much, so let me quickly get to the stuff that did work. Most of the dialogue works very well, even if you didn’t have the excellent chemistry between Daniel Kaluuya and newcomer Jodie-Turner Smith. Lena Waithe, mostly known as an actress, proves that she has some pretty damn good writing chops, even with my conflicting feelings about the initial running away motivation of the Queen character. It actually tackles the message of the police “shoot first, ask questions later” problem enough to where it makes you think yet it doesn’t try to hit you over the head multiple times with it. The message also gets right that it can be ANY cop, not just white and racist. If the story had gone down the path of Queen & Slim staying at the scene and on trial, I’ll admit it could’ve went into that territory and I might’ve had a problem with that? It seems like you can’t satisfy me, right? That’s not necessarily true, Lena Waithe could’ve surprised me going down that avenue of the story, we’ll just never know.

Remember earlier, when I described the conflict I had with a couple of over the top comedic moments against the better lighter moments between the two characters? Those lighter moments are what made the movie for me. I won’t get into all of them for spoilers sake, but when these moments happen, the movie completely shines and takes it to another level I wish the rest of the movie could’ve been. But I reiterate, I did enjoy the movie enough, and the positives outweigh my dumb issues with the film to give it a recommendation. The film looks good, the cinematography is gritty yet gorgeous, and director Melina Matsoukas, known for episodes of Insecure and Master of None, knows how to perfectly frame a film and is clearly one of those rare perfect actor’s directors. This film can connect to a lot of people. It already has if box office numbers from this weekend prove anything (it did better than expectations). All I am asking for I guess was I would’ve liked a tighter screenplay with clearer motivations that made sense, and also some less ‘Get Out’ over the top comedic moments. Otherwise, you have a solid road trip thriller. If you have any interest in going on the run and joining Queen & Slim on their adventure, I’d say take the trip if you get a chance. Might not warrant multiple trips, but I think you’ll enjoy the ride for what it is.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE REPORT (Amazon Prime)

None of my theaters had a great late evening show of Queen & Slim, and add to that a bit of Abuelo’s food poisoning, and I didn’t end up seeing that (but will this week), and instead caught up with a new movie that was just released on Amazon Prime called THE REPORT, starring Adam Driver. In the vein of Spotlight and the also recent Dark Waters, The Report details one man’s quest for the truth when investigating into the CIA’s post 9/11 Detention and Interrogation Program. Needless to say if you cover politics heavily or are familiar with these events, this man discovers some shocking secrets indeed. This isn’t an action film or even really a thriller, it is very dialogue heavy, but don’t worry, the screenplay is very tight, giving the audience all the main important information needed and in a way everyone over the age of 18 could probably understand. Some of these filmmakers in Hollywood really want ordinary citizens to know the truth of what went on behind the scenes of some of the most famous debacles in history, and they fear (and rightly so) the only way to do so is turn it into a feature length film, but hopefully entertaining enough so no one is nodding off at home streaming it. Hell, they’re right. I wouldn’t have searched into this if there wasn’t this movie telling me all this shit that went down. They also did their due diligence with this film: I did not get sleepy once, and I watched it pause free until the end credits.

With Adam Driver being in everything under the sun this past year, from Star Wars, to Marriage Story, to this, to other shit I’ve probably forgotten about, how in the hell did he have time to film this? Well, considering the fact that there isn’t that many locations shown during the movie and it’s basically him in a room looking over paperwork for half of it and then in his boss’ office for the other half, I’d say this took no more than two weeks to film. But no matter, I didn’t expect an actioner, I expected an informative film to keep my eye lids open and on my tippy-toes, provided that the movie also delivered with the acting. It did, as Adam Driver is again at the top of his game, throwing some semblance of a conscience into the proceedings when his character is told time and again not to make the investigation personal. There are other actors in this as well, such as Corey Stoll, Jon Hamm, Michael C. Hall, and Annette Bening, but they are all just window dressing to Driver’s building, which was fine, because the movie would’ve made a mistake if it focused on anybody other than him.

The movie is written and directed by Scott Z. Burns, who is more of a screenplay writer than he is a director. I think this is his first big feature to flex his directing muscles. He’s definitely an actors director and would make a solid one moving forward if he stuck to the informative projects he’s been involved with. He also wrote The Informant!, Contangion, Side Effects, The Bourne Ultimatum. Don’t really see him ever directing an action-er considering a lot of this film was just point and shoot but am willing to give him a chance considering he’s a very strong writer and knows what he’s doing. I am not going to dive into my own opinion of these torture reports and my view on politics as A. I don’t want any of you political afficianados ripping me a new one if I don’t see eye to eye with you and B. I need to stick with my view on movies, as that is what I love to do and what I think I’m good at talking/writing about. And as a movie, The Report was shocking, informative, entertaining, with very impressive dialogue, impressive acting and an impressive way to get this vast amount of information (we are told the initial report is 7,000 pages long) into just a 2 hr film. Gets a solid B+ from me, a good report indeed.