Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: BLOODSHOT

Well, my last movie in the theater for awhile. My reviews will continue with new film streaming content, but I just saw my last movie in the theater for an undetermined amount of time because of COVID-19’s delays on every new release among the horizon, and I’ve seen and reviewed everything else, and I’m not seeing that religious bullshit I Still Believe where the girl dies of cancer at the end. Oh…sorry…spoiler alert for that film I guess (**snickers**). So with it being my last theatrical experience for awhile…I’m quite torn on BLOODSHOT, Vin Diesel’s new attempt at sucking his own ego dick. Because on one hand, if this had just been another movie on another ordinary weekend, would I have completely bashed it and thought it was trash? And is it only because I tried to enjoy my last movie theater visit that I actually kind of enjoyed it in a “so bad it’s good” kind of way? While watching it I was so desperately wanting something else to rip another new asshole into, but when struggling to put it on my mostly blank worst of the year list, I found myself…entertained…to a degree. So what am I saying? Am I saying to take my review with a giant grain of salt? Or am I recommending it, and asking you to trust my recommendation, even though the film has so many fucking problems, because I enjoyed my experience, some of the action, and two specific performances? It’s up to you, but I think you need to ask yourself. Do you like Vin Diesel and most of his movies, even though his acting range is shorter than Adam Sandler’s? If the answer is yes, you’ll love this God damn thing. If you can’t stand Diesel, quarantine yourself as far away from this film as you can.

Because if you look at it, Bloodshot is a superhero remake of A Man Apart. And if you know anything about Vin Diesel’s Hollywood Contract for every action film he does from now on, you know he can’t really ever lose in a fight. Well, he can lose at the beginning but if he overcomes everything in the end. And I don’t think he’s allowed to die anymore. So how am I supposed to fill tension anymore in a Vin Diesel movie when I know he won’t be hurt at the end? Take that one step further, add superhero indestructible powers…how the fuck am I supposed to relate to him or his character and find him likable. The answer? His talk of “family” is supposed to win your heart or you can’t and you just have to accept that the movie exists. Anyway, the film is based of a Valiant Comic of the same name, and I have no clue what the comic was about or what changes to it the movie made (which I’m sure was alot) so don’t ask. To borrow from Sony Pictures Entertainment’s website because I really don’t want to describe this myself: “After he and his wife are suddenly assassinated, Marine Ray Garrison (Diesel) is brought back to life by a team of scientists. Enhanced with nanotechnology, he becomes a superhuman, biotech killing machine. As Ray first trains with fellow super-soldiers, he struggles to recall anything from his previous years. But when his memories flood back and he remembers the man that killed both him and his wife, he breaks out of the facility hellbent on revenge, only to discover that there’s more between what he originally feels and to a conspiracy.”

The first and foremost problem with this movie is that almost everything is shown in the trailer. The trailer is a linear of events, and it shows basically everything except the very last brief scene. I understand that they need to show a bunch of action bits to peak people’s interest, but there was plenty that they could’ve shown and yet kept a bunch a surprise so that way there was more to unexpectingly look forward to in the movie. Even if they hadn’t revealed the whole plot, they could’ve at least held back all the deceiving plot line twists, even though without being told or shown it you could’ve spotted it all coming from ten billion miles away. Sometimes the CGI is really good, but most of the time it is quite shaky, especially, although every entertaining, two sequences in particular, a foot chase a little more than halfway through the film and then the final Doc Ock (you’ll see what I mean) elevator tall building jamboree brawl. Also, way too much shaky cam. Except for one excellent choreographed scene that involves flour, a lot of the color red, and a tunnel, this director (his first feature) clearly doesn’t know how to shoot action, as it is just a bunch of shaky cam the rest of the hour and 50 minutes to hid the fact that he doesn’t know where to focus the camera, and the need to pull back and not be so up close in shots. The editor probably got himself a giant non COVID-19 headache just trying to put the damn thing together.

And while Vin Diesel is Vin Diesel, I wouldn’t be recommending the film if it wasn’t for two great performances/characters and really the only two reasons why I recommend this film beyond it is “so bad it’s good” entertainment. And that would be the very sexy Eiza Gonzalez (the girlfriend of Jon Hamm in the movie Baby Driver) as LT, a bio engineered survivor that might or might not have a heart of gold, and Lamorne Morris (the black guy in New Girl) as Wilfred Wiggins, a genius coder. Gonzalez steals every scene she is in, and then shares the spotlight with Morris, who doesn’t even come into the picture until it is already about a little more than halfway over. They are fantastic in this, especially Morris, who shows he can do more than just be weirdo roommate Winston in Zooey Deschanel’s television show. Seeing Gonzalez in this, and then in baby driver, and then her bit role in Hobbs & Shaw, just makes me wish she was in more things. Guy Pierce is the main antagonist in this, and its Pierce almost basically playing the same bad guy he was in Iron Man 3. He was okay. And that sexy main redhead dude from Outlander is in this as well, but unfortunately, the screenplay doesn’t give him much to do other than grunt and growl out his very cliched dialogue. Oh yeah, all the dialogue in this is extra cringe worthy, except somehow Gonzalez and Morris manage to transcend the awfulness and make it tolerable with their performances.

Would I watch Bloodshot again? Oh yeah, I was entertained all right. Just compare it to Vin Diesel’s last “so bad it’s good” film, XXX: The Return of Zander Cage. Both movies are so shitty, but are so entertaining that even though you can nitpick them both until kingdom come, you end up forgiving its faults in the end because you don’t want to seem like some old grumpy prick. Looking at who wrote the film, I can see why I am being pulled into whether or not I wanted to give this film a recommendation. It was co written by Eric Heisserer, who has given us great films as Final Destination 5, Lights Out, and the masterpiece that is Arrival. But then also Jeff Wadlow wrote the film, who ruined the Kick Ass series with the very lackluster sequel, and also wrote one of the worst films this year already, Blumhouse’s Fantasy Island. You can definitely tell which parts were written by which screenplay writers on this. I just wish that I didn’t know that Vin Diesel wasn’t such a diva all the time on set, and maybe I wouldn’t bash his limited acting range so much. And like I said in the opening paragraph, I could’ve probably just liked the movie more because I knew it was my last go for awhile because of COVID-19 being a fucking asshole right now to this planet. You gotta take what you can get. What did I take from this? That I will watch whatever Eiza Gonzalez is in no matter how shitty the film. She’s actually a decent actress, and is so sexy to look at, I would have my eyes go bloodshot before I stopped looking at her.