Tag: Dangerous Lies

Zach’s Zany FINAL Top 20 Shittiest Films of 2020 (A year that is the epitome of shit)

As Obi-Wan Kenobi would say, “Hello there.” Yes, after a little longer than a month now, I’m back to writing something a bit longer than the little review blurbs that I have been putting out on Facebook and Instagram recently. If you were used to reading my stuff on here and wondering where the hell I’ve been, I’ve been still doing reviews, but on a much smaller scale, two to three sentences, with a number grade of 0 to 10 at the end (have even gone into negative numbers if I truly loathed a film this year). I just got…tired…of saying the same old shit. “Yay,” this movie was good, “boo,” it was bad. No matter what kind of spin I put on my descriptive words, it all boiled down to the same thing. I don’t know why I just stopped, I guess 2020 has finally made me tired after all these years. I also figured I would have a lot more time in my life if I made my thoughts short and simple. If you are bummed about that, I’m sorry…but you can always follow or like my Facebook page, Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews, or you can follow me on Instagram @zachszanymoviereviews. The choice is yours, and I’d be happy to give you a follow back on your business Facebook page or Instagram page if you come randomly give me a follow or like. Fuck Twitter, I got rid of that bullshit two months ago, and I don’t regret it. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. I think two social media options are enough for those that know me. But don’t worry, every once in a while I will come back. Like now. I know this is a little early but I’ve calculated what I have left to watch by New Year’s Eve and I figured it was pretty safe to go ahead and publish this list, as the only handfull of films I have left to watch don’t seem like they are bad enough to be worse than my #20 pick. I will write only a sentence or two of why these particular movies of 2020 are on my hate list, so no need to fret, it isn’t a redo of the 3 to 5 paragraph reviews that just dragged on and on of what I already wrote months ago. So without further ado, without further delay, here are my final top 20 shittiest films of 2020 and why they are a shit cake, covered in a shit frosting year due to COVID, with a shit candle on top with how utterly depressed and moody I’ve been for the past 10 months. Enjoy!

20. YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT

If you’ve ever wondered how bored you could get with a horror movie that happens to star Kevin Bacon, wonder no more. This is it. While Bacon is fine in it, it’s writer/director David Koepp that maybe needs to take a break from film making, as he gave us yet another haunted house/rental house film that manages to stand out in the sea of them in a bad way…by being utterly pointless…with snores galore.

19. MULAN

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Disney. I could end my quick blurb there but I want to put in a word of how utterly stupid it was of Disney to make this film cost $30 premiere access on their + streaming service, and then release it to regular subscribers a mere 3 months later at no extra cost. Stupid. You thought they learned their lesson when they are releasing Soul on Christmas Day for free yet they are going to try it again with Raya And The Last Dragon in March. Shameful. Oh yeah, Mulan kicks a spear mid air with super human strength into a guy’s chest mid way through the film, and then an arrow at the climax. If that makes you scrunch up your face…then I don’t need to say anything more.

18. HUBIE HALLOWEEN

Adam. Sandler. Netflix. Original. Movie. Got it? Good.

17. SECRET SOCIETY OF SECOND BORN ROYALS

Holy shit, this isn’t even worth watching for free on Disney+. Literally the worst thing that has debuted on the platform. It should’ve been buried at 2 am on a Saturday on the Disney channel.

16. KAJILLIONAIRE

I hate movies that are quirky and odd just for the sake of “art.” Artsy fartsy just for the sake of being artsy fartsy. Gets on my fucking nerves. Especially boring ones that by the time the end credits roll make you want to blow your brains out. Evan Rachel Wood’s voice in this will haunt your nightmares.

15. JOHN HENRY

Not even Ludicris’ golden jaw could save this movie with its utterly ridiculous and terrible storyline of protecting strangers that we’ve all seen too many times before, terrible misogynist dialogue, terrible action, and a terrible frowny face Terry Crews who knew exactly what kind of movie he signed up for.

14. INFAMOUS

Bella Thorne is a terrible fucking actress. There, I said it. But if I was single would I sleep with her? That’s a good question. My answer has been on both sides of the fence on that. I know what side of the fence I’m on with this film though: terrible. Used to be at the top of my worst list earlier in the year, but I kept coming back to the fact that it was at least shot well. It’s social media message though is bogged down in unrealistic resolutions…and again, Bella Thorne is fucking terrible in this movie.

13. DANGEROUS LIES

If you ignore everything else about the movie, and just watch Riverdale’s Camila Mendes walk her gorgeous self around mostly an empty house for 96 minutes, you may survive it? Or you could just watch Riverdale, which I haven’t seen but can probably bet that it’s at least 10 times more entertaining than this schlock.

12. FATAL AFFAIR

Another redo of Fatal Attraction, but with African Americans and horribly written dialogue. Nia Long and Omar Epps should be ashamed of themselves for signing up for this shit.

11. FANTASY ISLAND

This had some promise before the movie starting playing, flipping the classic television show on its head by remaking into a horror/thriller with a character twist I didn’t see coming, but the execution is worse than in a butcher shop on a hot day. As I always end up saying, “Better luck next time.”

10. THE PRINCESS SWITCH: SWITCHED AGAIN

Vanessa Hudgens is definitely a better actress than Bella Thorne. But they both have such a slutty presence on their social media pages, I’m also on the fence of whether I would sleep with her or not if single. Maybe as long as I could call her Gabriella during it? Anyway, this is easily the most cash grabby, lazy, pathetic, stupid, and unnecessary sequel of 2020.

9. THE GRUDGE

STOP FUCKING REMAKING HORROR MOVIES (although this was more of a side-quel), DUMPING THEM IN CINEMAS IN JANUARY AND EXPECT THEM TO PERFORM WELL WITH AUDIENCES. THEY DON’T. BECAUSE THEY SUCK SUPERNATURAL BALLS!!!

8. THE SLEEPOVER

Just lazy and stupid kids horseshit that happens to star a couple of recognizable names such as Malin Akerman and Joe Manganiello, where the kids are supposed to be at the forefront of the film, but the celebrities just can’t help themselves and have to make it all about them. This film was so dumb I wanted a plane to crash into my house and land on me as I watched it.

7. THE MAIN EVENT

(see description for #8 but take out the recognizable names and add a WWE family friendly theme)

6. THE LAST DAYS OF AMERICAN CRIME

What was supposed to be a two and a half hour action crime epic, has hardly any action and a ridiculous premise that constantly breaks its own rules that it sets up. It tries to treat us as if we are that stupid, and I LOATHE that shit.

5. THE LAST THING HE WANTED

What was this movie? I still don’t know. Nothing is explained, Ben Affleck and Anne Hathaway look like they want to kill themselves, and it all leads to a dour and undeserved dumb ending that was “supposed” to be shocking and sad. The last thing I wanted was to have ever seen this stupid fucking movie.

4. THE SWING OF THINGS

I watched this specifically for Olivia Culpo. If you don’t know who that is, look her up and you’ll see why. Never again. Worst adult comedy of the year and maybe one of the worst in a decade. The writer/director of this needs to STOP WRITING/DIRECTING and the editor of this needs to STOP EDITING.

3. THE WAR WITH GRANDPA

Basically the kid family friendly comedy equivalent to The Swing Of Things (and the next movie on this list). Just fucking awful. Robert DeNiro, Rob Riggle, Uma Thurman, Laura Marano, Cheech Marin, and Christopher Walken should be ashamed of themselves and refund everybody’s money that paid to go see this utter disaster. In the middle of the pandemic no less.

2. THE WRONG MISSY

Oh, did I speak too soon with saying The Swing Of Things was the worst adult comedy of the year and maybe one of the worst in a decade? Both films are constantly telling the other to hold its beer. I kept switching it back and forth, but the reason why I put The Wrong Missy higher on my shit list, is because there are some friends on Facebook and in person that actually LIKE this movie and LAUGHED during it. That’s offensive to me. So I’m going to say something offensive to even the odds. If you liked The Wrong Missy, you are probably on the spectrum.

  1. THE PROM

I’m going to get some flack for this one, but I really don’t give a shit. Other than the performance of Jo Ellen Pellman (when if you look back at this and study it closely, even though she’s the main subject of the movie, she’s hardly in it), this movie is offensively bad. Meryl Streep is bad. Kerry Washington is bad. Andrew Rennells is bad. Keegan-Michael Key is bad. Nicole Kidman is bad. James Corden is abysmal and I now loathe him as a human being. The musical numbers are terrible, save for one that just features Pellman, which finally had the other celebrities shut the fuck up and not appear at all during it. That’s the problem with this movie. Other than the “you shouldn’t be afraid of who you are, fight for it, especially if you are a homosexual” message of the movie, there is a 2nd almost as big of message….that clearly states “celebrities shouldn’t make good causes about themselves.” YET THE MOVIE STILL MAKES IT ALL ABOUT THE CELEBRITIES AND NOT THE HIGH SCHOOL GIRL WHO IS A LESBIAN THAT IS TRYING TO GO TO HER PROM IN A BIGOTED AND CLOSE MINDED STATE AND TOWN!!! EVEN THE FUCKING POSTER TO THIS MOVIE IS ONLY CELEBRITIES AND DOES NOT FEATURE ACTRESS JO ELLEN PELLMAN!!! This whole film was a terrible ruse, and I feel sorry for anyone out there that related to Jo Ellen Pellman’s character and how scary it can be to come out to everyone you know and/or love. Especially during the dark times of High School. This movie should’ve stayed a stage play. It makes me curious how that would play out if watching it live. I can probably guarantee you, much better than this. Ryan Murphy needs to take a rest and get rid of his smugness. It’s starting to get in the way of his creativity if it hasn’t already. The Prom is a muddled and confusing mess and I’d rather watch any other movie on this list than it again. Despite its good intentions. Which are still in there despite being surrounded by the smelliest and dirtiest shit you have ever had to endure in your life.

P.S. If the year 2020 were an actual movie, which it seems like it was to some, it would definitely take the #1 spot…no question. Fuck you 2020. I hope Donald Trump rapes and butt fucks you when the door hits you both on your way out.

Thanks for reading. – Zach

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: DANGEROUS LIES (Netflix)

“If the Lifetime channel says no to a trashy movie…then it must be pretty bad.” – Zach Alexander. Yes, I’m going to trademark my own quote, because it has described a lot of the filth I’ve watched on Netflix and other streaming platforms. Films that probably should’ve been on the Lifetime channel, but an actual entertainment star or two prevent it from airing there. DANGEROUS LIES is the ultimate new Netflix film that honestly probably should’ve been the ultimate new Lifetime film, as all of its cliched plotting, forced and terrible acting, dumb cheap non-surprising twists, eye rolling romance, overacting, predictable plot, and the overall general cheesy cheese of it all is a staple of Lifetime, where Netflix has more of a “meh” or “just a bad” film type vibe. This movie is all kinds of cheesy awful, but here’s the thing, it’s so bad that I was actually paying attention to it the whole time rather than paying attention to other things. That isn’t to say this is a “so bad its good” movie, because I would never ever watch this piece of shit again, but I was laughing at the whole project and didn’t want to miss a chuckle, while trying to piece together the puzzle on why Dangerous Lies was even made. The real mystery, and I kind of want to e-mail them on this, is whether or not Lifetime really said no to this. Because if they did, and Netflix is just going to be a ‘Yes Man’ during this whole 2020 streaming wars quarantine COVID-19 butt fuck type of year…then we are all in serious, serious trouble.

Dangerous Lies stars Riverdale’s Camila Mendes and her eyebrows, along with Jesse T. Usher, and then a bunch of what I’d call mere extended cameos from Elliott Gould, Sasha Alexander, Cam Gigandet and Jamie Chung. All of them should look at their check or direct deposit from this movie in shame. Per me being lazy and quoting IMDB.com: “When a wealthy elderly man dies and unexpectedly leaves his estate to his new caregiver, she’s drawn into a web of deception and murder. If she’s going to survive, she’ll have to question everyone’s motives – even the people she loves.” Doesn’t that sound like a fucking Lifetime movie?!? Here’s the thing though, there shouldn’t be any questioning in this, what is really going on is really nothing that shocking or twisty. Anybody watching this should be easily able to figure out everything by the end of Act I. It doesn’t even try to come up with a dozen red herrings to try and confuse the shit out of you. There is one red herring, and it flashes bright red in your face the entire time. And the acting in this is God awful. I know that Riverdale is supposed to be a dark soap opera based on the Archie comics, so Camila Mendes’ acting in that is appropriate, but here, it’s overacting and cringe worthy. In fact, every time any character says a really cliched, lazy piece of dialogue, you can see the actors about to almost cringe from it coming out of their mouths, even while saying it they know they can’t try and save the line. They are just trying to grin and bear it, which makes their performances hard to watch.

Every single person acting in this screams paycheck. You can tell this was a quick and easy shoot, probably done in one or two weeks, as the plotting and dialogue is very lazy and simple. Who tries the least? Easily Cam Gigandet. Every scene he is in he looks like he took a valium right before the director cries “action!” You knows he’s thinking, “I was the main bad guy in the first Twilight movie and a bunch of other shit like Burlesque when it came out and now I’m relegated to cheesy awful Netflix movies that Lifetime didn’t even want?!?” It’s all bad, even Elliott Gould is acting like he’s Jack Gellar on Friends but more senile. Camila Mendes’ character is the most badly written of the bunch. She’s one of those “nice and honest” characters that is always like, “maybe we shouldn’t do this” one second, but then two seconds later she is doing it and then talking out loud how much regrets her decision. And in this movie, those lines of character dialogue repeat every five minutes with her. So in an hour and 35 minute run time, you do the math of how many times you want to smack your forehead. The fast foward in time ending is one of the worst yet funniest thing I’ve seen all year, I had to pause the film and make sure I was actually on Netflix and not watching a soap opera in the morning on CBS after The Price Is Right.

I’ve been saving the funniest thing for last. The only compliment I can give this film is that its framed really well and the director knows how to work a camera. There are some nice static and dolly shots in that film. Would you like to know the director’s name? MICHAEL SCOTT. I shit you not. And this guy has directed, let’s see, MOVIES ON THE HALLMARK CHANNEL AND LIFETIME!!! HOLY SHIT!!! His whole career is shitty television movies. Unfortunately, the other real Michael Scott’s movie, Threat Level Midnight, is probably better than any of them. (If you are not getting any of my The Office jokes, you should probably quarantine binge that series next, but stop when Steve Carell leaves the show). Dangerous Lies can be easily missed, it’s one of the worst things on Netflix this year, but if you really want to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all, you might get something out of it while it is on in the background with a glass of wine and some girl friends over. That I cannot lie admitting.