Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: TIMMY FAILURE – MISTAKES WERE MADE (Disney+)

TIMMY FAILURE: MISTAKES WERE MADE, the new original film that debuted on Disney+ that past week, is in the same vein as Troop Zero that debuted on Amazon Prime last month (oh hey they both start with a T too!). What that means is that it is a cute, passable, one time watch kid film that will make you pine and ache for the better kids films you grew up with back in the 90s/early 2000s (and arguably Big Fat Lair being the last of the greats). Seeing that you are my age reading this, you might now even have a little tyke the same age when you starting watching all that garbage decades ago, and if so, take comfort knowing that he or she will enjoy this much more than you ever will. It’s quirky, it’s weird, it has a life lesson in there about growing up that will go over kids heads, and you know what? That’s okay. I’m giving it a mild recommendation because it doesn’t treat the audience (both big and small) as if they were idiots, something I am afraid will happen to me when I see Sonic The Hedgehog tomorrow (place your bets!). I think the oddest thing about this whole endeavor is that it was written and directed by Tom McCarthy, who has won a damn Oscar for writing Spotlight, and whose other films (such as Win Win, The Station Agent, has received critical acclaim. But then again, he’s also written and directed one of Adam Sandler’s worst films, The Cobbler and is responsible for the so-so screenplay of the recent Christopher Robin. Timmy Failure is more in the Robin camp than the Cobbler thank Christ.

The movie is about, and I’m just going to borrow from IMDB.com on this one, “An 11-year-old boy who believes that he is the best detective in town runs the agency Total Failures with his best friend, an imaginary 1,200-pound polar bear.” It isn’t as zany as it sounds, and I feel like if it went full zany, it would’ve been The Cobbler disaster like proportions. In fact, the treatment of the imaginary polar bear is done quite well and looks quite good considering it is a straight to Disney+ feature (about as good as the effects of the live action Lady and The Tramp). The film ultimately works well because of the quirky of the character of Timmy, and his weird verbal exchanges with his real human friends, his angry teacher (played by the great Wallace Shawn), the school counselor (played by the great Craig Robinson in a role that showcases more of his talents than just weird comedy like The Office), his mom (Ophelia Lovibond, Elementary) and the meter maid man his mom is dating (Kyle Bornheimer, Casual). The only thing that kind of bums me out is that I was hoping for more kid like detective adventures than the one we got. Like real smart yet kooky detective work from the boy. It started out fine when he took the case of a stolen back pack, but then the movie mixes in too much of the boy outlandish imagination involving Russians and a Chinese classmate and several times it crossed the lines of silliness. Thank goodness for those little doses of reality when he snaps out of it than more than made up for the too much silliness at hand. When doing research on this film, there are like 7 books in this series, and maybe this is a pretty faithful adaptation of the first one, here’s to assuming that there is more actual detective work in the other books and if those get made for Disney+ in the future, that they are adapted correctly.

The movie really is a hit and miss type of affair, because you get really well constructed and funny scenes involving Timmy and his friend entering a bank with fencing masks on but then you get a weird damn dam school field trip adventure after, that while having a couple of pretty funny sight gags (especially the last one), it didn’t really work for me in the context of what was going on. The movie truly shines in its last act, the last 30 minutes, when Timmy goes on a little adventure with the meter maid man his mom is dating. The exchanges between the two are light heartened, convincing, and fun and I look back on the entire film and wish that the whole hr and 40 minutes was devoted to those two just solves little insignificant kids cases. Oh well, maybe in the sequels? The newcomer that plays Timmy, Winslow Fegley, is actually quite good. He rides that fine line of being a cute kid with quirks that feels realistic than getting into over-the-top unbelievable territory. He’ll have you chuckling every time he uses the phrase, “Mistakes were made.” I think I’ve said what I needed to say about this film, other than that Disney+ is the perfect platform for it, because it wouldn’t have been seen by anybody in the theaters other than the fans of the novels, and it is better than a lot of the ‘original movies’ that Netflix has to offer. Somewhere right in the middle. Ultimately passable, a mild recommendation, but completely forgettable.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE LODGE (no spoilers)

One giant way of knowing that you love a motion picture is if you still love it even if you correctly guess the entire outcome of a film. I guessed early on correctly what was really going on in THE LODGE but even as the end credits started to roll I was still deeply invested in everything that I witnessed in this fantastic no cheap jump scares, atmospheric, and disturbing horror movie. If it seems like I harp and ridicule most wide modern audience horror films nowadays (like the recent terrible The Grudge reboot) its because they deserve to be torn apart. The only thing those kinds of film are good for are to elicit cheap jump scares for dumb tweens to get their temporary orgasmic kicks of reality escapism while trying to avoid the real horrors of the world. Movies like this don’t represent real horror that well. They don’t have themes, messages, or contain anything beyond the fact that “this thing jumped out at me with this loud musical crescendo so it made my heart jump into my throat and since its not happening to me in real life combined with the fact that it in no way could happen in general (be that the cheap scare is the pop up of a zombie, vampire, ghost, or whatever the fuck), this is the exact shit I need to escape reality for an hour and a half to two hours.” No…fuck you. You don’t know horror films you amateur fuck. True horror films are something like this, Hereditary, Midsommar, and even though I didn’t care much for them, films like It Comes At Night, The Witch or The Lighthouse because they don’t produce many jump scares (if any at all) they seep into your fucking mind and make you fear that you could wind up in a situation like that, because they provoke a real sense of reality. If you didn’t like ANY of the films I mentioned above, YOU. DO. NOT. KNOW. HORROR.

As you can see my review is going beyond just the film I saw last night and basically just filler because I don’t really want to about The Lodge much. Well I do, but I want to talk about it privately to people that have actually seen it. And it’s not because it was bad and I have a bunch of jokes why it sucks or anything like that, it’s because it is best to go into this film completely and utterly fucking dark. Don’t even watch a trailer to it. I really don’t want to say anything about it beyond the fact that it deals with two kids that are trapped in a big cabin/lodge place out in the middle of bum fuck nowhere with a woman that is to be their new stepmother. I don’t want to talk about how it gets to them even ending up in that situation. I don’t want to talk about the back story of the new stepmother to be. I especially don’t want to talk about the ending. I don’t want to talk about how it deals with mental illness even better than that boring Horse Girl movie on Netflix that I just reviewed that was a slog to get through. It’s better not knowing anything at all about this movie other than the title and the synopsis that I just gave that was as generic as I could come up with without giving anything away. I can only talk about several things, one is giant praise, one is a minor complaint (my only one about this terrific film), and one is about the acting.

Let’s start off with the minor complaint: the two kids have a father in the film, who sets up this “spend Christmas family time together” at this lodge/cabin so that way they get to know their future stepmother. But after a very short time at the place, he goes off on a work emergency for several days. And yes, they do set up that he’s a very busy man at work before he just deserts his future wife and two kids, but it felt like a forced plot convenience just to get the three of them alone for the horror to start to happen. There could’ve been better alternative solutions to get the father out of the picture such as maybe going into town for supplies but then a blizzard just suddenly comes in and he’s stuck there for several days (the blizzard happens anyway but the work is still the excuse). If I was a father with my two kids, and wanted to spend family time for them to get to know my future wife, there is no way in fucking hell I’d ditch them for several days for my job. I would want to be in on that wholesome family time so I would make sure everything at my job can be handled so that it could survive on its own a week, and I would ESPECIALLY NOT LEAVE MY KIDS ALONE WITH SOMEONE THEY HARDLY FUCKING KNEW. ESPECIALLY when you learn early on in the film the background her character went through when she was younger. No fucking way I’d leave them alone. That’s the only part of the film that felt outlandish and sort of stupid to me. Easily could’ve been rectified with different ideas, but this is mostly forgivable due to the rest of the film being so damn good.

Which gets me to the giant praise: UTTERLY FUCKING FANTASTIC MOOD, ATMOSPHERE, AND DISTURBING IMAGERY/SITUATIONS/IDEAS. There are maybe one or two earned jump scares throughout the film, and literally no other cheap jump scares in sight. This horror film is meant to dig deep into your mind, where you are thinking about it at night, days after you see it. It is meant to get under your skin and make you afraid that something like that could happen to you. It’s so very, very, very, very well done, and the only thing I could compare it to nowadays is that it felt like a more somber & depressing yet more realistic take on themes presented in Hereditary and Midsommar. Albeit this one is definitely more religious than the other two…but in a good way. The acting is the last bit I will say about the movie with praise without giving anything away. While Alicia Silverstone (yes, Cher from Clueless) and Richard Armitage have small yet effective roles, this is a three person show that consists of the Riley Keough, Lia McHugh, and you may know the great Jaeden Martrell from his main role as Bill Denborough in the new Stephen King IT movies. The perfect performance in this goes to Riley Keough, playing the loving, yet shy, yet may be truly disturbed new stepmother to be. It is another horror acting performance that you will eventually put down in the “All Time Great Horror Roles” alongside other recent performances such as Toni Collette from Hereditary and Florence Pugh from Midsommar. She’s just that good, especially in the final act. All right, that’s it, no more, I’m done.

If you don’t enjoy films like this, or you won’t even give them a chance, and want to stick to your dumb cheap jump scare silly ‘horror’ films, then why bother even going to the movies, because you are literally getting zilch out of watching those films. It’s like you are buying and eating a cheesecake from Walmart, when in reality if you just made the effort, and drove a little further, you could pick up a fresh delicious piece from The Cheesecake Factory. I enjoyed and loved almost every bite here. The film was written and directed by a Severin Fiala and Veronika Franz, and I’ll admit, I am not familiar with them or their work, but I plan on checking out some. They do a great job with both duties here and hopefully they stick to this genre, we need more of it to flush out the cheap shit. I’m really surprised that filmmaker Ari Aster had nothing to do with this film. Because if Hereditary was a great horror representation of Fall, and Midsommar was a great horror representation of Spring or Summer, then The Lodge is a great horror presentation of Winter. If Ari Aster had anything to do with this he’d be only one film away from completing a perfect Horror Season Solstice Anthology. Alas, his name isn’t anywhere on this and it is just a great film to watch with the other two: Midsommar a perfect appetizer, Hereditary the main course, and then finally The Lodge as a sweet, sweet dessert.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: HORSE GIRL (Netflix)

Only a month and a half into 2020 and we already have a contender for strangest film of the year, Netflix’s new film, HORSE GIRL. Not only strange, but weird, boring and didn’t really do much for me. I felt like I ‘got’ the film, especially one very important blink and you’ll miss it clue that ties the very beginning and very end of the film together, it’s just that the subject matter it presented was only surface level. The whole film was trying too hard to be ambiguous while asking the question: is this individual suffering from an extreme case of several mental illnesses or is all this crazy shit she is saying is happening to her and what the audience sees happening to her, really reality? Off the top of my head, I can list about ten to twenty films in the same genre that do its themes more justice than this one does. The two things that prevent this film from being one giant clusterfuck is some of the visuals and Alison Brie’s fantastic performance. However, this just may be my opinion of it. If you like really ambiguous weird slow burn films such as It Comes At Night or The Witch or Bug, films that I really don’t care for, you might get something out of it. I have a feeling it is going to fall back in Netflix obscurity, never to be seen on recommendations, only found if specifically looking for it in the streaming platforms search engine.

The film starts out interestingly enough. Alison Brie stars as Sarah, a shy and socially awkward woman who works in an arts and crafts store, that cares deeply for a horse that she rode when she was younger, that is scared of losing her mind like her grandmother had and then her mother, the latter of which killed herself. She has minor sleepwalking problems, and life seems to maybe finally turn around for her when she meets her roommate’s boyfriend’s roommate, as they hit it off and have a lot in common. But after that meeting, strange shit starts to happen, her sleep walking gets much, much worse, and she has very lucid dreams that start to blend with her reality. Is this all really happening to her, or is she slowly losing her mind as her mom and grandmother once did. The film’s first problem is that it doesn’t play up on the is she delusional or is she not delusional angle. There are too many context clues in the film to give any audience member paying even the most minimum attention to the film that they could an answer to what is really going on. And then there is the blink and you’ll miss it giant clue at the end that makes you wonder why this story even needed to be told.

Films about mental illness can be very informative learning experiences mixed with some sort of entertainment value to keep the audiences interest. Joker failed with that concept, and so does this film. Her mental state, issues, and complexities are only skin deep and only mildly talked about. It doesn’t deep dive at all into the problems at hand. Instead the movie, especially in the last 30 minutes, just tries to be artsy fartsy with a bunch of images that are meant to take the viewer on a wild journey into her head that is supposed bring up important discussions but only manage to illicit yawns. I found myself nodding off several times. The film is well acted, as Alison Brie’s performance is the best she’s ever done, completely shedding that goofy, cute, aw shucks sweetness you’ve seen from her on Community and Glow, and going for something more than just one dimensional. It was also nice to see Debbie Ryan play it straight as Brie’s roommate, and there are also very minor parts from Molly Shannon and Paul Reiser, who are good with how little they are given (Reiser is in the film maybe 3 minutes out of the 1 hr 43 minute run time). Unfortunately Brie is also to blame for the mediocrity of the movie, as she co-wrote the film with director Jeff Baena, who’s other writing/directing credits such as I Heart Huckabees and Life After Beth, I am not too fond of in the first place.

So in the end, what do I know really? I’m just giving you my review of what I thought, and I was bored and ultimately just said “meh” once the credits started rolling. It was a film that was supposed to make you think and have conversations about important issues but instead made me yawn half a dozen times, my eyes drooped and I immediately wanted to forget about the film once it was over. But you could be one of those people that likes movies like this. If any of what I described to you peaks your interest, I more than welcome you to check it out and get your own opinion of it. I just didn’t care for it at all. But if this sounds like it would be a headache to get through for you, and you have my particular film taste, then trust me, stay far away. What really strikes me as odd is that Brie wrote this film because of her real grandmother’s own mental illness. Surely there was a better film in the mind of her and that director somewhere. Was this just her own catharsis to deal with it all? I don’t know, and in the end, I don’t care. There are other, better films on Netflix to enjoy. Just like its play on time in the film, Horse Girl will ultimately be lost in time and maybe even its digital footprint from the streaming platform one day to save space for something else. It really is that forgettable.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: TO ALL THE BOYS – P.S. I STILL LOVE YOU (Netflix)

You have to give Netflix one thing, it is smart as fuck to be releasing TO ALL THE BOYS – P.S. I STILL LOVE YOU two days before Valentine’s Day, and especially in 2020. Why? Because the theaters have almost absolutely nothing to offer lovers and couples. The streaming platform is going to get a bunch of views and a shit ton of ‘Netflix and Fuc’….errr…’Netflix and Chill’ moments. I mean, are people really going to go on a Valentine’s Day date to see a very CGI’d hedgehog get the best of the wackiest version of Jim Carrey’s we have gotten since the 90s? Are they wanting to spend a romantic evening watching a horror film called The Lodge or a huge out of left field re-imagining of a beloved TV classic (Fantasy Island) that isn’t even being screened for critics? The only thing close theaters have to offer anyone is The Photograph with Issae Rae and Lakieth Steinfeld…but come on…not to sound racist, merely pointing out facts, we all know that movie is targeted really for only one demographic and isn’t poised to make that much money this weekend. This ‘To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before’ Netflix sequel is not only targeted for a much, much wider demographic of people, but you can watch it in the comfort of your own home, and don’t have to deal with any other human beings dumb enough to go to the theaters on the most romantic day of the year. The two questions left is what are you going to think of this film, and what did I think of it since I already watched it this morning? Basically, it’s a real simple love potion of a formula: if you liked/loved the first film, you will like/love the sequel.

Me? I thought the first film was a very cute and had solid acting but ultimately forgettable in the end (even though I still sort of remember the first one). All romantic comedy cliche tropes are in full force here, literally no surprises from Act I all the way to Act III. Actor Noah Centineo (Peter) has now completely type cast himself as THE “Netflix Hunk” and unless the upcoming reboot of Master of the Universe exceeds expectations and does him any favors, I’m afraid that’s what he’ll be relegated to the rest of his life. But is that really a bad thing? As the go to Netflix Hunk in your Netflix romantic comedies, he’s the real deal. Yes, he’s basically the same character in this, The Perfect Date, the Charlie’s Angels reboot, The Fosters and Sierra Burgess Is A Loser, but he makes that character charming and someone I’d want to be with if I was a woman or gay. But he’s not the star of this film, merely supporting, as actress Lana Condor plays Lara Jean, and she is just as solid as well, making her character a wholesome girl I would want to be with if I wasn’t already taken and married. If you remember the first film, it is about her character and her letter’s that she wrote to five boys that she had a crush on when she was younger, letter’s not really for the guys but for herself, but her sister finds them, and sends them to the intended recipients. One turned out to be gay, one letter was returned to her, one was to her cute and nice boy neighbor who just had a break up with Lara Jean’s older sister , one letter doesn’t get to another boy until the very end of the first movie (who is one of the main supporting characters in this one), and then one gets to Peter, the main boy from the first one and who’s still the main character in this. Boom, I just described the first half of the first movie.

Anyway, Peter and Lara Jean are together at the beginning of this one and then the last boy with her last letter, John Ambrose, who shows up at the very end of the first movie (albeit in this he is a different actor now, guess they didn’t really think they were going to get a sequel at the time) re inserts himself into Lara Jean’s life, particularly when she is volunteering at this retirement community, and winds up ruffling her feelings for Peter. To me, this didn’t really feel like a true sequel, they probably could’ve cut off the very end of the first film and just added this one on to the end of it and it could’ve been one giant three hour sappy lovey dovey rom com. Or broke it up into 30 minute episodes for a mini TV series. It feels like an epilogue rather than its own thing, and for fans of the books, I couldn’t compare and tell you if that is ultimately a good or bad thing. To me, it felt like I waited two years for just another episode into the lives of these teens. The first film is much better, as the whole story with Lara Jean pretending to be Peter’s girlfriend and their real relationship blossoming from that felt more authentic here when in this sequel, they are still trying to figure out problems between them that I thought were over, solved, and done with from the first film. The ending in this was also a little anti climatic, as everything gets solved within 3 minutes, the past hour and 35 minutes needlessly trying to build up to this choice that ultimately didn’t matter, raise any stakes, or had me worried for the outcome…one bit. The film should’ve taken more chances, not just with her ultimate choice in the end, but maybe some other plot devices that could’ve thrown more wrenches into things. It tries to have this B plot with Lara Jean’s father moving on with his life to date a cute and just divorced neighbor from across the street, but even that story is tied up too quickly into a nice bow.

And yes, I know it sounds like this is a negative review. It’s not, I swear I thought it was enjoyable for what it was. I wish it had more laughs, it is definitely more rom than com and after all is said and done it is just ultimately a cute, strongly acted, forgettable epilogue (definitely weird as it seems a third and final film is already in production ((to adapt the last book)) because it seemed like film had a definitive ending, unlike the first). And I know it’s just a “Netflix” film, but I really wish the producers of these films and the brains behind the streaming platform would realize that they have more potential with these kinds of movies in order to shake things up a little from the books and the cliches that have been dozen and dozens of times, go into unknown narrative territory. These two movies contain strong performances from their two leads that deserve to be in much stronger films. But in the ends I just have to look at the facts when reviewing this: was the movie unnecessary? Abso-fucking-lutely. Did I enjoy myself? Yes I did, the movies pacing a adequate (1 hr 40 minute) run time went by in a flash. Did I like the acting? Lana Condor and Noah Centineo give it their all in these films and it shows. Would I watch it again with my wife if she was interested? Absolutely. Would I forget about it in a year or two? Absolutely yes…until the third film ultimately cues up when starting Netflix. Then I’d forget about all of them by 2025.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: BIRDS OF PREY: HARLEY QUINN or HARLEY QUINN: BIRDS OF PREY or whatever the fuck it’s now called. (no spoilers)

The fact that the marketing of BIRDS OF PREY: AND THE FANTABULOUS EMANCIPATION OF ONE HARLEY QUINN (the real damn title) has to cater to some people because of low box office returns and the fact that some of them even said they had no idea that Harley Quinn was in the film is just plain stupid. If you had no idea Harley Quinn was in this movie, you are stupid. Period. There I said it. No take backsies. I for one, like the long and unique title, but agree that it probably should’ve been called something like Harley Quinn Meets The Birds of Prey in the first place. But the fact that the marketing and title has to change after the film has already released for some dumb asses that don’t know their ass from a chair is frustratingly idiotic. The film itself? In my opinion, pretty damn great. I enjoyed the entirety of it, from the time shifts, to Harley Quinn’s narration, to the small scale story in the big DC universe, to the performances, to the action, to the best villain in the DCEU yet, all of it. Is it a perfect film? Absolutely not, but its a helluva fun ride that I would like to visit a few more times during my lifetime.

The plot of Birds Of Prey changes course several times throughout the film, due to non linear storytelling, but suffice to say, it’s about Harley Quinn’s breakup with the Joker. She then has a target on her back since she’s not being protected by him anymore, and then it eventually gets into how she makes herself someone to fear and then her team up with a couple of bad ass women, all with their own little stories of revenge and emancipation. There they all become mixed up with a psychotic, possibly homosexual, gangster with his right hand man/possible lover, needing this unique diamond that may or may not be more than what it seems. Phew, that is a lot stuffed into an hour and 49 minute movie. But it all works. The film takes it time and doesn’t try to stuff all these characters down our throats immediately and then doesn’t try to put them together in minute 5. It’s a slow burn little small scale story that pays off in spades in its third act with some steady cam action and fantastic humor. Now I don’t read comics (anymore) so I can’t really compare these film characters to their page counterparts, but I do know there are a lot of complaints from comic/DC fans out there that none of the characters (especially the Birds of Prey and Cassandra Cain) are comic book accurate and I for one say…so? My enjoyment of the film is based solely on the fact that the characters worked with the story being told/script that was written and it never crossed the line of being too cheesy/comic book-ey, with a dash here and there of some actual realism. Fake fanboys out there need to stop fucking complaining.

The movie also gives us the best DCEU villain to date with Ewan McGregor as Black Mask. Ewan looks like he’s having a hell of a time hamming it up, and it is something we haven’t ever seen from him before. My real only complaint about the film is that it doesn’t commit fully to whether or not his character was homosexual and if he was a lover to his right hand man Victor Zsasz. I mean, did the filmmakers not want any gay panic retaliation from movie goers? Who the fuck cares, I think they should’ve went all in with it and it would’ve made their relationship more dynamic and relateable. Instead it just tip toes around that fact. This isn’t Disney, this is an R rated comic book feature adaptation. People in real life are gay, getting married, and living their lives, why the fuck are we still hiding this shit in movies? When Hollywood tip toes around this issue, they are just supporting the dumb motherfuckers who can’t stand homosexuals for no good reason at all. It’s sickening and stupid. LET CHARACTERS BE GAY AND PROUD IN MOVIES!!! Rant over. Anyway, other than that, loved the villains in this. The rest of the DCEU needs to take note that this is how you get villainy right, not with a giant CGI monster creation looking just for world domination, but a realistic asshole of a human being bent on smaller scale gang rule warfare. It was quite refreshing to say the least.

And let’s give a round of applause to Margot Robbie, now my favorite actress. Being one of the few brights spots with the frustrating Suicide Squad, she completely shines in this movie, making Harley Quinn her own. She’s just the right amount of psychotic, funny, charming, and dangerous bad ass female character. This is her movie, and I hope that the box office picks up so we can get another small scale story like this one with her in it. And while I would’ve liked to see a little more of Huntress and Black Canary in the movie (especially Huntress, who I feel really got the short end of the stick), their stories were told almost to perfection and the acting from Jurnee Smollett-Bell and Mary Elizabeth Winstead was solid, funny, and enjoyable. Hell, I’m not even a Rose Perez fan and I think she did great as Renee Montoya and Ella Jay Basco, who played Cassandra Cain, was good in her supporting role as well. And the (apparently reshot with the director of the John Wick movies) action sequences? All very well done. When Harley Quinn got some cocaine in her, using her bat and glitter gun, kicking ass and taking names whether it was the water fight jail sequences or in a back storage room, all very well choreographed. And the third act, when all of them get together to kick ass, loved the steady cam and action mixed in with some humor, all fantastic. And the set design with the abandoned fun house park look gorgeous. I’ve heard that some fake fan boys are boycotting this film because of its “feminist agenda/girl power” things in the movies. All those fake fan boys needs to just kill themselves in mommy and daddy’s basements. In Birds of Prey, it is a wonderful cool female LED film, and it doesn’t try to shove feminism down your throat at all. It works with established female characters to make a fun film. It isn’t man hating. Get over it losers.

Another complaint is that I think the movie would’ve worked better if you had Jared Leto in a cameo capacity as The Joker again. I know, I know his gangster Joker wasn’t very well received (even by me) but after re visiting Suicide Squad, I think the writing was the problem in that, and Leto’s take on the Joker wasn’t really that half bad. Him as an extended cameo in this could’ve bulked up Harley Quinn’s emancipation story more, but let me stress that this is a minor complaint, her story still works very well. This is director Cathy Yan’s first mainstream film, I hadn’t seen Dead Pigs or any of her other theatrical shorts but, I admire her talent and eye for the camera here, and feel like she’s going to make a masterpiece one day, keeping hiring her Hollywood! Screenwriter Christina Hodson, whose previous writing credits made me worry (she wrote the abysmal Bumblebee, Unforgettable, and Shut In), did pretty great here, and shows she has some untapped talent. Just please don’t go back to writing that unimaginable filth, especially shit like Unforgettable. It’s just a small scale story set within the grander DC Universe, and it all felt very refreshing. This was 100% better than Suicide Squad, and probably my third favorite DCEU film in general. Would love smaller scale stories like this and not more headache inducing CGI madness like the giant Frankenstein monster that was Justice League. Please God let the DCEU keeping making these steps in the right direction and never ever ever ever ever have a film made like Justice League ever again. Ever. Let me reiterate, you can make another Justice League film to redeem the last one…just don’t make the same stupid mistakes. Or just Release The Snyder Cut and make that canon. Ball is in your court Warner Bros.

My ranking of DCEU films (remember that Joker isn’t part of it!):

Wonder Woman
Shazam!
Birds of Prey: And The Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn
Man of Steel
Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice Ultimate Edition
Aquaman
Suicide Squad
Justice League

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE GENTLEMEN (no spoilers)

I think I pinpointed why Guy Ritche’s new gangster comedy, THE GENTLEMEN, was put in the dump crap film month of January when it didn’t deserve to be. It has to be the marketing. When watching trailers and TV spots, I had no idea what the film was about other than it starred a bunch of recognizable faces, led by Matthew McConaughey and Charlie Hunnam, it involved gangsters, looked like a mild action comedy, and that it was directed by the dude that did Lock, Stock, & Two Smoking Barrels, yet also directed last years abysmal Aladdin remake. The trailers were just a bunch of incoherent scenes put together to try an elicit an out of context laugh. After watching the movie, I realize there was really no other way to market this film without pretty much giving everything away. And that is what is so great about this film, the discovery of it all through witty dialogue, twists upon twists upon twists upon turns, fantastic acting, some huge laughs, all wrapped around a plot that has so many layers you are still peeling them and finding fun connection even after the credits start rolling. I can also hypothesize that is why last year’s Aladdin sucked so hard, while making that film, he was just thinking about making this film after ward in his head, realizing how much better it was than the drivel he was directing Will Smith through, and couldn’t wait to be done with the bland overlords at Disney who have no fucking clue at this point what they are doing to destroy the studio. This is easily Guy Ritchie’s best film since Snatch.

I’m not really going to describe the plot to you here, as I feel like if I say anything, I’m going to ruin some of the fun. The log line on IMDB.com will do nicely: “A British drug lord tries to sell off his highly profitable empire to a dynasty of Oklahoma billionaires.” Mickey Pearson is that druglord’s name, and he is played wonderfully by Mr. McConaughey, and Charlie Hunnam is excellent as Mr. McConaughey’s right hand man. Michelle Dockery wonderfully plays his hard edged wife, Henry Golding is excellent as one of the buyers, and the less that is said about scene stealers Colin Farrell and Hugh Grant’s characters, the better. The movie starts out with two people just talking and going over events to what led them to this point, and then branches off into its own thing. The film plays with time and has some unreliable narrators and it all just adds up to one wacky tale that is a bit of a whodunit, a bit of an action comedy, with some incredible fucking dialogue and performances. It’s a witty film that absolutely earns every witty thing about it. It’s tongue in cheek while also not hitting you over the head with how tongue in cheek it is. This film makes me want to watch Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch again.

The direction by Guy Ritchie here is great, like I said, best since Snatch, everything has a nice polishing sheen to it, there are some great musical choices, and the editing is top notch for how many plots and subplots it has to handle. While some of it is predictable, especially the misdirection at the very beginning, the film has enough twists and turns to make you think that the predictable threads were intentional to throw you off track. But the real reason to say, and this is like the 5th time I’m saying this, is the dialogue, the plot, and the performances…especially a scene stealing Colin Farrell and a scene that involves Eddie Marsan’s character…you’ll know it when you see it. But yeah, great time at the movies, does not deserve to be in this dump month at all, but now that I think about this, last week’s pretty good Bad Boys For Life, and the other releases this month, I have a new theory: that January is a dump month now just for bland and unoriginal horror films. Ones that they know couldn’t make bank in October surrounded by better, more hyped terror tales. Who knows, we’ll see if this trend continues January 2021. Almost forgot to mention, this film has the best line in cinema so far this year, and I just keep repeating it in my head, and it basically describes the whole movie, said by Michelle Dockery: “There’s fuckery afoot.” The fuckery was fantastic in this movie and so enjoyable, go see it!

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: TROOP ZERO (Amazon Prime)

TROOP ZERO gets a slight one time watch recommendation from me, considering this film should’ve been made and released in the 90s, and is literally, LITERALLY, nothing you haven’t seen before. It apparently is a mixture of Troop Beverly Hills (haven’t seen it), The Little Rascals Movie and Heavyweights, but take out all the crude humor and add about ten extra doses of charming. It is no wonder that it was just released last weekend on Amazon Prime, because if it was released in the theaters it definitely wouldn’t have made any money whatsoever. The only reason why this film gets a slight pass from me is because of the acting, and makes me very excited for Mckenna Grace’s role in the upcoming Ghosbusters: Afterlife. And some good ol’ scene chewery from veteran actors Viola Davis, Jim Gaffigan, and Allison Janney. This movie just is another proof that the streaming revolution is really at hand. These platforms getting, producing and releasing movies that wouldn’t have their time of day in the theater anymore, instead hoping for a mass consumption of people wanting to stay at home, safe, to watch something half way decent, without having to go out and deal with the rest of the human race. Because the rest of the human race sucks as watching movies in a public place. I’m sorry, but most of you ruin it nowadays….fuck you!

With that little rant over, I’m just going to borrow Wikipedia’s log line for the film as I would make everything confusing trying to put it into my own words: “In rural Georgia in 1977, a group of elementary-school misfits led by spunky outcast Christmas Flint join forces to infiltrate the high-and-mighty Birdie Scouts youth group in order to win a talent show. The winning Birdies will earn the right to have their voices included on the Voyager Golden Record, which Christmas believes will be heard by her deceased mother – if they can just win the show.” As you can see by that description, the character of Christmas Flint must be quirky and weird, yet charming and able to win over the hearts of friends and family, and Mckenna Grace’s performance, the best in the film, pulls that off in spades. Jim Gaffigan plays her quirky dad, and even though I wished he was more in the film (he’s gone in a flash at the beginning but gets more stuff to do toward the end), he is pretty great in the scenes he is in. And Viola Davis and Alison Janney, we already know they are master class in acting, both having won Oscars in the past several years, and they are in the movie quite a bit, Davis playing a reluctant yet loving mother figure that ends up being their troop leader, and Janney playing the obligatory rival troop leader that leads the best and most famous troop and will do anything to stop the girls from winning the talent show. Their acting elevates the one dimensional written roles into a little bit of something more.

The one aspect that makes this film watchable and charming are the parts where the girls are trying to get their badges, and the ending talent show and the films entire message really hits its mark. The problem is that it is everything you’ve seen before. It adds nothing new to the quirky independent film dramedy, but then again, maybe it was never meant to? It is a film for parents to maybe put on for their young kids while they do some chores in the background. Forgettably charming, nothing more, nothing less. I’m surprised that Disney+ plus didn’t snatch this up, as it seems like it was tailor made for the platform, but then again maybe they were put off by the couple of curse words such as ass and damn? But that wouldn’t make sense since there are a shit ton of old 20th Century Fox projects on their now that do and say much worse. But it doesn’t surprise me that this premiered at Sundance last year and went straight to platform. Many other camp/scout films have done a better job with what this films does, and those are now considered classics. You can’t just be a copy cat, you gotta do something special. And while this isn’t special, it’s just fine, and could’ve been much worse. It will eventually be lost in time…like tears…in rain. By the way, now that I think about it, is it too late to start a petition to get Judd Apatow to produce, write, and direct a sequel to Heavyweights? Or have the past couple of woke, triggered, offended, butthurt years ruined that possibility? Let me know.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: BAD BOYS FOR LIFE (no spoilers)

I am so relieved, and extra relieved to tell you, that my prediction was correct. My prediction? Well, there is always at least one or two movies in the dump shit month of January that break the mold and aren’t so much pieces of shit like the other new releases that surround them. I predicted that BAD BOYS FOR LIFE (and I am also predicting next weeks’ The Gentlemen) would be one of those two films. I was right. Bad Boys For Life was pretty damn entertaining. And holy shit…it had an actual plot! Something that the other two Bad Boys couldn’t really say that contained…well, maybe the first one. Yet…not really. This films story has a concise three story structure acts, and twists I fucking didn’t see coming (don’t worry, I don’t even hint at what they are). Will Smith and Martin Lawrence haven’t lost a beat with their characters of Detective Mike Lowery and Detective Marcus Burnett. With plenty of laughs as well to boot, it all culminates in a very satisfying 3rd film which makes the whole affair a pretty solid buddy cop action trilogy…even if this is easily my least favorite among the three…but that has more to do with the direction, action, and absence of Michael Bay (who would’ve thunk I’d be complaining about NO MICHAEL BAY?!?)

The less said about the story the better, but if I could put it in one extremely long log line: Detectives Mike Lowery and Marcus Burnett are getting up there in age, with Marcus extremely close to retirement, but when a Mexican Warlord Lady brutally escapes from prison and then revenge targets Mike and several others involved with a case that dates back before Mike and Marcus even became a Bad Boy team, they must find out what is going on before this angry witch forcefully puts everyone into early retirement…and straight to their graves. If that description sounds extra 1980s cop movie cheesy, then I’ve successfully described the whole affair to you. Even with the original Bad Boys in 1995, it is all supposed to come across as 80s buddy cop movie cheesiness, but with bigger and better explosions. A childhood friend helped me discover the original Bad Boys (I unfortunately didn’t witness that Bayhem in theaters) but then I delightfully enjoyed the giant middle finger that Michael Bay gave critics 8 years later with Bad Boys II, i.e. no plot, all awesome practical action effects that rivaled anything the first movie gave us. But now, 17 YEARS LATER after the second film, we still got the big main three (Marcus, Mike, and the lovably irritated Captain Howard) but we have several new screenwriters, new characters, and a duo of new director’s (Adil El Arbi and Bilall Fallah) that take over directing duties from Bay (but who graciously passes the torch…you’ll see if you know what Bay looks like). So, the real question is, why did I still really enjoy this film even though it is my least favorite of the three?

Both directors Arbi and Fallah are adequate, and the action is half way decent, but they cannot film their action sequences even in the same ballpark as Michael Bay did. The action in this doesn’t even hold a candle to the action that took place in the first film, hell it isn’t even in the same universe as what the second film brought to the screen. It’s not to say that the action is bad, it’s just really underwhelming to what we’ve gotten before. However, on the flip side of that opinion, I have to admit that at least it doesn’t go all “Fast and Furious” franchise action on us. There are no “eye rolling” moments such as Vin Diesel catching someone mid air in the middle of the highway or the rock steering a submarine missile. The action you get in this movie is much more plausible and more grounded in reality than a lot of films today, going back to that 80s style cheesiness some movie lovers like me still crave. So on the one hand, while I miss Michael Bay’s touch and all over the place editing, I commend these directors for everything staying in that same “bombastic yet still realistic” spectrum. The laughs aren’t as big as the previous two (although it gets close) and the cinematography might not be as special as the other two either, but boy oh boy, the one thing that this film has over the other two, is the plot. It actually moves along at a decent pace and has several twists and turns you won’t see coming and that might shock and awe you.

But I said no spoilers, so I won’t get into it much, but if I could say one last thing on the matter, the movie gives us some Bad Boys mythology/history that the 2nd film really didn’t bring to the table, which kind of dumbfounded me. Will Smith and Martin Lawrence are excellent here again as they have always been, and haven’t lost touch with their chemistry or banter, the only noticeable gain would be Lawrence’s weight, but hey, who cares, his character is retiring! The movie also gives us its most memorable villains since the first film, probably even more memorable here, however that is due to more of what they represent in accordance with the story, not necessarily them hamming it up in their scenes. While of course we get the old age cop jokes (because it would be kind of weird if we didn’t right?) to me they didn’t hit anyone over the head with them, using their age as more of an emotional pull and added weight to the story. Mainly the old jokes come from a young addition to the Bad Boys cannon, a young cop group called A.M.M.O., who try to handle situations without lethal force if possible, and are not too fond of the way Mike and Marcus have stacked up the body count in the past. The three youngsters in A.M.M.O. include High School Musical’s (they made a fun little joke about this) Vanessa Hudgens, The Hunger Games’s Alexander Ludwig, and Riverdale’s Charles Melton. I thought that this team would ultimately annoy me in the end with too much screentime and not enough wit or story structure substance, but color me surprised that what they brought to the table actually worked and would love to see them in future installments. They are in the movie just the right amount and don’t take any from Will Smith and Martin Lawrence doing what they do best. In fact, all three of them get little arcs so they weren’t just one dimensional characters, which again, is always appreciated by this film goer.

Mike’s new love interest, played by Paola Nunez, and of course the great Joe Pantoliano as the returning Captain Howard, are great, and the former being the best love interest Mike has had (wasn’t too fond of the Gabrielle Union one in the 2nd) and the latter being the best he’s been in all three movies. It’s a very solid film, and a good time at the movies, what more is there to say? If you haven’t been a fan of the Bad Boys movies, this one sure isn’t to change your mind. It’s the same old, same old. The only thing I wish is that maybe, even though there was one just greenlit, that we didn’t get a 4th movie. There is a scene a little into the credits that hints at more things to come (of course there is). If this were the last one, it would end up being a solid half way decent trilogy you could revisit over and over again and I have a feeling a 4th one would be rushed out of the gate and quite possibly could end up being the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull of the franchise. I hope they prove me wrong. Anyway, I was so glad this wasn’t a January disaster. With these two characters, I’ll always ride together, always watch them together if they bring us another adventure. Movie geek boy 4 life yo!

Rank of Bad Boys Films

Bad Boys II
Bad Boys
Bad Boys For Life

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: SPIES IN DISGUISE (no spoilers, and I go off topic quite a bit)

I thought I’d counteract my bitchiness and grouchiness of Joker receiving an undeserving 11 Academy Award nominations today by quickly reviewing a movie that I saw with my family this weekend, one that actually surprised me with how much fun it was, SPIES IN DISGUISE. And by quickly reviewing this, I mean that it has already been out for about three weeks, so you either have a. Already Seen It or b. Want To See It But Waiting For Rental. If you were waiting for my review, why? A lot of you that have seen the Joker disagree with my merits of it being completely overrated. But then again, I ask if you’ve seen Taxi Driver, and you ask me what exactly that is. Ok, casual moviegoer. Ok, DC Comics biased. BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, ok, well Spies In Disguise is a family film delight filled with great voice acting by Will Smith (yes, he was himself, but you can tell he was having so much fun with it) & Tom Holland, many fun action gadget sequences, and feel good message about non-violence. Yes, it really does have that in there and it doesn’t try to slam you over the head with it either! It has a solid pace, and is an overall solid adventure that even young kids will follow. It will certainly make your day-day (you won’t get my reference here until you’ve seen the movie, and until your kid repeats the phrase day-day over and over several hours after the movie is over).

I also said that I was going to review Just Mercy, please have some mercy on me as I am not going to review it anymore. I had a ticket to it, twice in fact, but then I kept returning it because I kept saying to myself, “am I really interested in seeing this film that a. I know the outcome to and b. just another court room drama with a message?” And the answer was no, switched to a maybe if it got any Academy Award noms, but since it didn’t today, the answer switched back to no, deal with it. What is there to say about Spies In Disguise other than my recommendation in that it is a lot of fun and that it is a movie the whole family can enjoy…hmmmm…well I laughed a ton and while walking out of the theater I realized the marketing for one didn’t do it any favors. When I saw trailers and TV spots for this, I just knew it was about Will Smith as a spy that turns into a pigeon for most of the film, because of a dorky young geek tech adult voiced by Tom Holland. What those trailers didn’t reflect was the grand adventure it takes Will Smith’s pigeon and Tom Holland’s geeky side kick. In the marketing there is no indicator that the story is about a spy being framed and on the run, his run in with other hilarious pigeons while a pigeon himself, and the laugh out loud, fun action sequences they all get into together. And the fact that Tom Holland is a gadget techie that is very “non-violent” due to the fact this his mom was a cop and died tragically when he was younger. The studio just marketed the fact that Will Smith and Tom Holland are the voices, and didn’t have any confidence in the fun and zany plot. Very odd.

It’s just a fun, yet probably forgettable down the line, solid hour and 40 minute family kids film. Looking at the Academy Award nominations and last weekends Golden Globes win, I happened to also check out another animated film that won over Toy Story 4 last weekend, and got a nomination today, called Missing Link, LAIKA studios new movie. And while the animation in it was amazing (LAIKA stop motion animation will never be anything short of dazzling), I thought the film to be really sub par, meh, and boring. Probably because this is coming off their best film (one that will be pretty hard to ever beat), Kubo And The Two Strings. I just didn’t care about any of the characters in the movie, including Susan the Sasquatch, and the two bits in it that sparked my brief attention was a fantastically staged boat hallway chase scene, and a bridge collapsing climax, weren’t enough to change my mind about it. The rest of the film is just weird boring backstories that don’t really go anywhere, and it felt like Hugh Jackman and Zack Gilifinakis were just reading the dialogue without really any finesse. Zoe Saldana seemed to be the only one that cared that she had that job and wanted to be there, trying hard to make her character more than one dimensional (even though the script did nobody any arc favors whatsoever). I don’t get all the Academy and Golden Globes love on that one at all. I am now cheering for Toy Story 4, but secretly hope that Netflix’s Klaus steals it from them all. If you haven’t seen Klaus…DO IT NOW. Another perfect holiday family animated film. Honestly, Spies In Disguise probably should’ve taken that nomination spot. Loads better than that boring drivel.

I mean, there is nothing more to say about Spies In Disguise other than that you will be pleasantly surprised. That’s it, and being pleasantly surprised always means a good recommendation from me. I think I’ve just had it with Joker overrated-ness and it is effecting my day. Which it shouldn’t be. Hopefully it wears off before I go see Bad Boys For Life this Friday and I can write a focused review on that, instead of going off topic a thousand times like I did for this one (did I seriously just review three other films in my previous paragraphs?) But I really liked this film, my wife really liked it and was surprised that she did as well, and it grabbed most of my son’s undivided attention (especially once Smith becomes a pigeon). It made my Saturday with my family absolutely delightful, especially in light of the shitty weather we got the night before and how cold it was that morning. Usually there is a wide opening family film each holiday season, that is normally released on Christmas day, and usually that film is usually a piece of shit in disguise. Who knew this would turn out to be a half-way decent surprise in disguise?

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews presents: IN FULL DEFENSE OF CATS (2019) by Gabriel Evans

IN FULL DEFENSE OF CATS (2019) by Gabriel Evans

It’s January 4th, and I just got out of a screening of Cats — and I’m not sure whether it’s (#1) my fully lowered expectations based on an almost unanimous critical and audience panning of this movie, or (#2) because I saw the stage musical for the first time this year and personally was genuinely confused by the plot or what was happening — but I think it actually worked as a movie.

Oh my gosh, he didn’t hate it. #shocking, or something.

Forever I have known Cats as the musical where people wear spandex and sing as cats on a stage, but really knew nothing more until this year. I remember watching the last season of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, and Cats is used as a hilarious plot point, and then I got a little more of a glimpse at the freak show behind the curtain — and what I gleaned from that was that the musical has gone past the weird, eccentric, artsy beginnings and has transcended past parody as being “that weird cats musical with that ‘Memory’ song”, and now it is in that strange post-post modern period where it’s just something that didn’t need to be touched in any serious way, but now that it has been, it is in a new stage of parody – where people will fully brush it aside and laugh at the concept of it being made with their decision already made before entering the theatre, and may not want to recognize that it’s actually pretty well done and accomplishes a faithful adaptation of the source material and visualizes it in a way that makes it more comprehensible and entertaining than the stage production.

Hot take, I know.

When I think about how the movie came to exist, I’m only working with hypotheticals — but it seems to me like the movie musical we deserve right now from Hollywood. It’s a star-studded cast, with a Oscar-caliber director with a history of Oscar-winning musicals, with Oscar-winner Jennifer Hudson singing the classic song, with new technology applied to actors and cool set designs…. If this movie had come out 10-20 years ago, it would be nominated for everything, but now we think we’re too cool for it — so now it’s garbage.

It’s funny, because last year Green Book won as Best Picture, and a lot of the same elements apply to people’s criticisms about that movie. It didn’t feel like Best Picture of 2018, it felt like Best Picture of 1998. The only main differentiators were that the director was a comedy director gone drama, and the writer ended up, let’s say, stretching the truth about the story. But structurally, Green Book works as a movie, and honestly, so does Cats.

Cats hate really feels like where we are in society right now – we’re just really divisive and have made up our minds without ever really giving it a chance. It’s like Cats is what a democrat thinks of when he turns on Fox News, and vice versa if you’re a republican. We can’t see past the poster, because we don’t want to. Cats is it’s own special kind of freak show, and we’re in the mindset to reject the freak right now. Any real message of seeing the true side of someone’s character in the Cats narrative is discounted, because we’ve all got a little bit of a fighting, close-minded bully in us right now.

Now, in terms of adaptations — I feel like there is more to be said for what works in Cats.

I remember leaving the stage production of Cats, and my review was “Oh, so it basically was a bunch of Cats singing introductory songs about each other” – and this movie takes that a step further and gives you the source material in a way that diversifies the visuals, expands the world into different environments, and makes the villain and general plot line comprehensible in a way that didn’t initially strike me during the stage production.

The source material isn’t really conducive to a movie plot, because each song is a different cat, and it probably would work better as some kind of short-form multi-episode web-series than a movie if you really step back and think about it — but as a feature adaptation of the musical – it does the absolute best it could do in translating the magic of Cats to the big screen.

All of the cats and the celebs playing them give personality to their characters, and you do get a sense of their celebrity enhancing the personality – whether it’s James Corden or Rebel Wilson, or even a British-accented Jason Derulo. The plot is linear with a clear antagonist and a ticking clock set for a climax at the end of the evening – so in terms of watchability, it’s not confusing narratively. The only thing to do to clarify the plot would be to put some kind of Star Wars type scroll at the beginning defining what a Jellicle cat is – because it’s such an important part that can be alienating to someone who has never heard or seen anything about the musical.

The effects were fine – I’m not sure if I saw the updated version or not, but I definitely did still see Judi Dench’s wedding ring, but they weren’t distracting. They felt like part of the style, and it was like they were animated cat people – which is the actual, obvious point. Did I feel like I was watching cats? No. Was I supposed to have the same feeling as the first time I saw Gollum in Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers? Absolutely not. We live in a world of CGI enhancements, and there’s plenty of examples of imperfect effects in all movies – from the most mainstream Marvel movie to the Gemini Man “groundbreaking” character work. If something is rushed or didn’t have the money behind it – it can look off. But nothing in Cats looked like The Rock in The Mummy Returns, and we can stop saying that it looks awful – because it doesn’t.

At the end of the day, it feels like Andrew Lloyd Weber was taking the right kind of drugs to find a human message to his Cats musical, and since 1981, the drugs have worn off. Now, we just replaced them with opioids, and we’re addicted to something new – which is a brand of close-minded narcissism – because honestly, they made a movie about singing and dancing cats, and that’s what you got.

And Tom Hooper did a good job, because at the end of the day, he learned from his mistake of putting Russell Crowe in Les Miserables and didn’t put someone who absolutely couldn’t sing at all in this movie — and that deserves respect.