DUNKIRK is  the best film of the year so far (yes, beating John Wick 2 for me) and one of the most emotionally satisfying war films I have ever seen. It is mesmerizing, perfect in almost every way. It is as tense as getting a rectal exam but then hearing good news that everything is okay. If you don’t see this in a theater, wait…scratch that, if you don’t see it in 70 mm IMAX, you don’t know what you are missing. But if a real IMAX theater isn’t near you or showing it near you, try to do a 35 mm theater or a regular 70mm theater. The quality is amazing, the shots are exquisite, the colors are vibrant, and you won’t be able to get the visuals out of your head. It is just that good.

If you don’t know your history, the Dunkirk evacuation was of Allied soldiers from the beach and the harbour of Dunkirk between a couple of weeks in May and June 1940. Their ultimate rescue was hailed as a miracle. What Christopher Nolan’s film does is just brilliant. It doesn’t worry about the politics of the evacuation. It doesn’t go to places far away to show Winston Churchill commenting on the events, it doesn’t show what America or other countries were thinking/doing/fighting at the time, it doesn’t even show one bloody German in this film. The movie start with action the moment the movie starts and does not let you go thru the very nice and perfect 106 minute run time until the credits roll. We stay around Dunkirk. We show a story on land with three allied young soldiers just trying to escape the harbour, we show a story at sea with a father, his son and a friend taking a civilian boat to try and get to the beaches to rescue the allied soldiers, and we show a couple of allied pilots trying to pick off German planes before they shoot the Allied shoulders on the beach like fish in a barrel.

The movie also very delicately and masterfully plays with time, with these three stories being shown in non-linear time only to finally meet up and converge near the end of the film. It is all also beautifully scored by what is arguably one of Hans Zimmer’s best. He brings this ticking clock themed score that will literally have you leaning forward in your seat and then breathing out in relief when the music ends and the resolution of that certain scene it was used for. There is very little dialogue in the film, and you don’t know any of the backstories to these characters at all, yet the movie makes you care for them, because of the incredible acting in the dire situations that they are put in. I can’t believe Harry Stiles from One Direction plays one of the three boys, because he is incredible here. But the two who really steal every scene they are in is Mark Rylance is the father trying to rescue soldiers on a civilian boat, and Tom Hardy as one of the pilots trying to pick off German planes.

Mark Rylance gives as great of a performance as he did in Bridge of Spies here with him making calculated moves to try and not only rescue soldiers but while trying to stay alive himself in the process. And Tom Hardy is one of the only actors I know that can bring a full performance when his face is mostly completely behind a mask (the other being Karl Urban). The aerial scenes with him in the plane are the best in the film, and you can see Hardy’s torment and determination just by his eyes and facial movements. I am just glad he didn’t have the Bane voice with this one. The aerial scenes are some of the tensest and realistic, with the audience digging his/her nails into the cushion just hoping that each shot that the Allied soldiers make take out a German. I also loved the fact that they didn’t show the German’s in this. It made their presence more haunting and lethal than any main villain in a movie could’ve given us. It is always scary when the unseen and unknown is targeting you.

All the visuals here are incredible, especially when unfortunate boats gets blown up and start sinking. If anything here was CGI, I couldn’t tell in the slightest. The whole movie is just non stop enveloping tension. Entertainment and film making at the highest order. Christopher Nolan is definitely one of the best writers and directors living and when he passes on (hopefully a long time from now) he’ll be one of those cemented in history, like Hitchcock, to be one of the greatest filmmakers to ever live.

This movie is perfect. Go see it. If it doesn’t when every Oscar nomination it is nominated for it will be a shame. If it doesn’t take home cinematography, I’m done watching the Oscar’s. My only small complaint about this film would be that some of the sound is so tremendous in it that you can barely at times make out what people are saying. There was that same problem with Interstellar, so I might go see it again in 35 mm at Alamo just to take it all in again. It is definitely worth seeing multiple times in the theater. I still can’t believe how utterly great it is at running at only 106 minutes. Usually war films are wayyyy over two hours. This was refreshing. Dunkirk will probably be in the number 1 or 2 spot (we’ll see with Last Jedi) on my top ten list by the end of the year. This is precise film making at its finest. An A+ masterpiece.

VALERIAN AND THE CITY OF A THOUSAND PLANETS would have been a fantastic epic sci-fi masterpiece of a movie, close to the greatness of Luc Besson’s sci-fi masterpiece classic The Fifth Element…if only the two leads were recast. Because of the terrible shitty wooden acting and chemistry between stars Dane DeHaan and Cara Delenginvue, the movie is only pretty good. I am still recommending it, don’t get me wrong, there is plenty to love about this movie, but if your leads don’t work, it is going to hinder your final product. Which is a shame because Dane DeHaan is usually a really really good actor. I have never liked Cara Delenwhatsherface’s acting (she should stick to her modeling day job) so I wasn’t surprised by her lack of being believable, but DeHaan was very frustrating, but I’m going to go ahead and blame it mostly that he didn’t have a great co-star riding along with him on the adventure.

Some are also going to complain about where the plot finally takes you (with a cover up story line we’ve seen all before) but the adventure is so fantastic beyond that I think those complaints will be overlooked. Without ruining anything, the story starts where we see this alien civilization on a planet filled with beauty and these pearls that they worship, and then ships suddenly come crashing down and their whole planet is destroyed. Valerian (played by DeHaan) suddenly wakes up and we realize this his is dream, and his ship tells him that it is a memory belonging to someone else sent to him. Along with his work partner/romantic love interest Laureline (played by Cara), they are on a mission sent by their commander (played by Clive Owen), to get this certain artifact back, and of course Valerian’s dream ties into all this.

Can’t say anymore or I’ll give too much away. The first half of the movie is masterful and exquisite. It shies away from being predictable, where you have no clue what is going to happen next. I still really much enjoyed the second half even though after all that is revealed the movie becomes very formula heavy and even has some of the same beats of the Fifth Element. In the first half Valerian and Laureline go to this planet that has several dimensions within it to get back this artifact that they are looking for. The action that takes place within all these dimensions is unique, fun, and precise. Loved it. There is also a thrilling run/space chase half way thru the film after that, that was a lot of fun. And although I have many, many a complaint about Dane DeHaan and Cara, all the supporting players did fine acting jobs. Clive Owen was fine as the commander, but the two standouts had to be Ethan Hawke as a pimp, and Rihanna as Bubbles, this shape shifting type prostitute. I also really liked this other general played by Sam Spruell.

But the two leads are awful. Some of the worst acting and chemistry I’ve seen all year. And when I walked out of the theater, all I heard was the same thing from everyone’s mouth. Good movie, would’ve been great if someone else played Valerian and Laureline. So it wasn’t just me. But despite all this, I still really did like the movie. The visuals are absolutely amazing and I recommend seeing this in a theater with good 3D projection and sound. A lot of the set pieces were wonderfully beautiful and soft on the eyes. And while the second half of the film goes a little cliche, I still had a fun time at the movies.

Which isn’t that why we go in the first place? I have a feeling though this movie will do very poorly at the box office, but then might become something of a cult classic on blu-ray. If you want to compare this to something, compare it to Disney’s John Carter, a movie which no one saw, but then they saw it on video and everyone that I have talked to that has seen it has only said good things. But if they ever do make a sequel to this film, I don’t care if you have to pull a Katie Holmes/Maggie Gyllenhaul, recast the two leads, other wise their acting might make you cringe like a teeth pulling sensation when you visit the dentist…

Never in my life has a film franchise (well, I guess in this case it would be rebooted but I digress) had a good first film, an even better second film, and a third film been an absolute cinematic masterpiece. I don’t count Lord of the Rings either because I always liked Fellowship of the Ring more than The Two Towers (so sue me). Improving upon a previous feature is a very hard feat, unless you are in your 25th picture like the 007 franchise. But somehow, these new Planet of the Apes movies have improve upon themselves. And not improved by tiny steps either, giant massive Mammoth size steps. WAR FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES is not only a cinematic masterpiece, but it is one of the year’s best films (just like Dawn was a couple of years ago) and one of the best special effects films I have seen that don’t sacrifice story or tone to achieve it either.

If you haven’t seen RISE or DAWN yet…what in the fuck are you doing? Go watch them now and then go see this in theaters. Everything about it is precise filmmaking to a tee. Andy Serkis deserves some kind of supporting nomination or maybe a lifetime achievement award for all that he has done for motion capture performances. This is his best. Easily. He gives Caesar humanity and grace in motion capture that a lot of actors that can’t act worth shit could ever hope to achieve playing human beings. The special effects in this are absolutely seamless and at some points I really thought that Caesar and his family could be real.

To ruin any of this film would be a felony. The trailers do such a great job to thwart expectations and I only hope that future TV spots can do the same. All that the trailers let on is that a Colonel played by Woody Harrelson is after Caesar and his fellow apes. But there is so much more to the story. In fact, there are several twists and interesting story telling devices that kept me guessing while also trying its best to connect to the original Planet of the Apes films with Charlton Heston. Very interesting. And while some people like my friend Josh (you dummy if you are reading this) will think there is going to be an all out endless 30 minute War at the end of the film (honestly, that would be boring, like the Transformers film) the climax is actually smart, unexpected, thought provoking, and righteous. The whole film is amazing, from beginning to end. Not one single scene needed to be left out.

And Woody Harrelson makes one of the most interesting villains I have seen in cinema in awhile. He is ruthless, and merciless, while completely believe he is doing the right thing without any doubt in his mind. He doesn’t think he’s evil and doesn’t think he’s a monster, and he plays it absolutely convincingly. The movie doesn’t have a lot of dialogue, Caesar speaks, but most of the apes still use the sign language. I like that. If I had to complain about one thing in the film it’s on one scene where the apes seem like they are following Harrelson’s army way too close and it’s hard to believe they didn’t see them. Seems like that logic was sacrificed for a cool beach sun setting scene. But whatever, it was forgiven in a second.

I don’t want to talk much more about this film. Other than to say I liked Steve Zahn’s “Bad Ape” and he brought a lot of comic relief much needed in this sense of dread. It’s an amazing film, and if you don’t see it, you don’t know the power of an astonishing cinematic experience. Michael Giacchino provides one of his best scores. I’m still humming it at this moment. The cinematography is perfect. Everything is perfect. I don’t know where to rank it on my list, but it will be near the top. I can’t ape to watch it again. I’m in love with this picture.

WISH UPON is the very definition of why PG-13 horror movies don’t work anymore. Except for those few rare occasions (such as the first Insidious or the first Ring) they just don’t work. Can you scare people or freak them out anymore with cut away deaths and a millisecond flash of gore? No. You have to rub the audiences’ face in it to get them to fear. I get that you cut it or make it PG-13 to get a wider audience and more box office bucks, but I don’t think these geniuses realize that you are actually doing the exact opposite. And it’s not like R rated horror doesn’t work. Look at The Conjuring movies. Look at Saw back in it’s prime. They worked, and brought in the dough. Wish Upon isn’t terrible by any means, in fact, it’s a lazy half way decent lazy afternoon on Netflix. But the fact that it could’ve been so much more is infuriating, making me wish that sometimes PG-13 didn’t exist.

The main problem with Wish Upon is that it cuts away from EVERY SINGLE DEATH either right when it happens or right before. We see the guts of a dog and a few blood splotches on Joey King’s sweater, and that is it. And there were some cool deaths in this movie, a la Final Destination style. But where as Final Destination wasn’t afraid to have the audience see a sharp bottom of a latter go through someone’s eye, this one doesn’t want to show a female being impaled through the head by a bull statue. It doesn’t want to show a chainsaw decapitating someone. It should want to show shards of glass going through someone as an elevator leads a character to certain doom. It doesn’t want to show a scalp being ripped off. And I’m so mad because you can tell this was shot for an R rating and the little studio douches had their way with it to get the PG-13 rating, hoping that people went flocking to the theaters.

The premise had me flocking to the theater, but the execution makes me not want to recommend it to anyone. It just feels like a lazy production. The actors in this deserved better. Joey King actually gives a pretty good damn performance in this, as does Barb from Stranger Things, Ryan Philieppe and others. And an extreme horror variation on Monkey’s Paw and Button, Button is quite intriguing, but when you get a product like this you just want to pick up a novella and read the short stories again. The editing is so choppy it is nauseating, the deaths and who is going to die is extremely predictable, the ending is extremely predictable too, and they waste a mid credit scene by going with the obvious except for the 1,265 ways that would’ve made a stinger more interesting and at least thinking about a decent sequel.

Some of the characters motivations puzzled me a bit, and the way to overcome and beat this evil wishing box is actually not that hard. I figured out several scenarios in ways that a wish couldn’t ultimately make the box not exist, but then their wouldn’t be a movie right? Well at least there could’ve been a smart and cool ending. The director on this film previously did Annabelle, the first one, which sucked too, so I don’t know why I am going to give this guy a chance anymore. If this thing has a director’s/unrated cut, I might watch it one more time to see if there is any cool gory shots and see if the tension is ramp’d up a little bit.

But that is ‘wishful’ thinking. See what I did there? Like I said, the movie isn’t terrible, it is quite watchable, and someone asked me to give it a rating and I said a solid C, which is better than a lot of D and F’s I’ve given other horror crap this year. This movie could’ve been so much more. It could’ve revitalized The Omen, Final Destination Rube Goldberg plot kills and maybe even brought those franchises back with a vengeance. Instead, horror films are still going to be searching for what “it” genre factor they are going to be for awhile. They can’t decide. In the 90s we had slasher, then in early 2000s we had torture porn, then later 2000s we had supernatural ghost/exorcism phenomenon’s and now horror movies just don’t know where to go anymore. I don’t wish I hadn’t seen this movie, I just wish I had seen a little more effort.

 

 

SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING is the BEST Spider-Man film. Period. That’s right, better than the classic Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man 2. Tom Holland is both the best Spider-Man and Peter Parker that has ever been displayed on screen thus far and just like Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark or Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, nobody will probably ever take that mantle from him. This movie is perfectly paced, funny, charming, smart, action-packed, a great coming of age story, all fitting well within the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Along with the first Avengers, the first Iron Man, and both Guardians, this is one of the best Marvel Universe films ever, and definitely one of the best films of 2017.

What makes this film the perfect Spider-Man film is that it takes everything they got right with the original Spider-Man trilogy and Amazing Spider-Man 2 films, and leaves out all of the bad. No Emo Spider-Man. No too many villians or shitty looking costumes. Spider-Man 2 is great and all but if you really look at the film hard, kind of like The Dark Knight Rises, Spider-Man is not really in the film all that much. This film has the perfect blend of Peter Parker in and out of the costume. It feels like a Spider-Man comic mixed with the awesome animated Spider-Man show we grew up watching as kids. It has a lot of zany and hilarious fun, but also doesn’t go all Batman & Robin on us, while adding some realism and seriousness to the matter. It’s a comedy comic book movie, and it works extremely well as both.

Marvel still doesn’t have the villain problem completely solved…but they are getting pretty damn close. Michael Keaton as The Vulture is the most memorable villain since Loki. Keaton gives humanity to The Vulture, and while he is a bad guy he is not necessarily a bad guy. We get conflicted throughout the film, as conflicted as we got at the end of The Dark Knight with Harvey Dent. I loved the way he becomes the Vulture by what happens during the aftermath of the Battle of New York with the Chitari technology. There is also another two other villains (kind of) that they add in this, but I won’t ruin it here. And there are also nods to other possibly upcomin6 villains as well. If I have to nitpick on one thing here, which I will because it is always good to give constructive criticism, they pull a Cumberbatch/Waltz here, and now we can call it pullling a Cumberbatch/Waltz/Zendaya. If you have no clue what I’m talking about, look it up.

There is so much to say about this film without making this review overly long. I loved everything about it. I love Parker’s best friend Ned, hilarious. I liked Zendaya’s very dry but witty “Michelle.” They pulled a neat twist at the end of the film I didn’t see coming at all. The 2nd post credit sequence (stay all the way through!) was one of the hilarious and best ones yet. Every single action sequence was thrilling, memorable, exciting, and remarkable, I can’t even name my favorite sequence (quite possibly the Washington monument, but the ending plane sequence is great too). I loved all the comedy and jokes, it felt like Peter Parker/Spider-Man from the comic books.

I also really liked that they didn’t overload the film with Robert Downey Jr. either. They really treat him like he is an “and” at the end of the credits on a poster. More than an extended cameo, but not quite a full fledged supporting actor. They give Jon Favareu a more extended role as Happy Hogan, and he is just perfect in the role.  And Marisa Tomei makes a cooler, younger Aunt May. I love that Peter is only 15 in this and even though a 19 year old is playing him, he pulls off the age and can see him in this role for years to come. I loved all the Spidey moves and gadgets. Even the end credits (without the scenes) are fun. This whole film is the definition of fun.

This is one of those rare films I could watch over and over and over again and never be bored. It’s the reason why we go to movies in the first place. Now don’t get me wrong, I loved Wonder Woman too, but this completely blows it out of the water (Sorry Brett.) And to think that this is Jon Watts second feature film as a director, and first major one, and that he pulled this big tentpole film this well is astonishing.

There is really nothing more to say. Go freaking see it. It’s amazing and I wish the film was an hour longer, because I just wanted to hang with Peter. It’s the best Spider-Man film ever made and I doubt any could be better. A masterpiece.

 

Screw it, I enjoyed THE HOUSE, and I know I’m in the minority on this one. It’s an 88 minute pure fantasy escapism and I laughed my ass off during it. Guilty pleasure of the year? Possibly. Maybe it was my fun mood while watching it. The fact I got a signed poster on Cinemark Connections of it? I won’t deny that fact. The movie could’ve been longer and so much more, I’ll admit, and it doesn’t use Poehler and Ferrell to their full potential, but I had a lot of fun watching it. Probably wouldn’t work on cable as the R rating is the reason I laughed a lot, but a perfect rental with friends and family.

Premise is simple: A couple doesn’t receive a college grant that the town provides (because the town “ran out” of funds) so their down on their luck friend (that blows money in Vegas with them) turns his house into a casino and gets the entire town hooked on gambling. They try and hide it from a weird ass cop, and two town committee members with sticks up their asses. The movie doesn’t explore every possibility that could go wrong with this scenario but it does do a lot and what transpires I thought was absolutely hilarious.

Yes, there are jokes that fall flat like every comedy, but not as much as the critics think. And rewatching the trailer I think they cut a lot out of the movie, like the strip club thing, and I would love to see if this ends up having an unrated cut with maybe like 10 more minutes added on to the film, at least one could hope. The ending was a bit of a problem for me too. The screenplay takes a predictable easy way out of the couple’s predicament for providing for their daughter for college. It feels with the casino angle they could’ve come up with something more creative.

I didn’t know Jeremy Renner was in this nor noticed his name featured on the poster, and he could’ve been so much better here, and he feels a little wasted, however his last couple of minutes of screen time is rip roaring hilarious. I’m guessing he was walking around the studio lot and they asked him to come film a couple of scenes real quick.

But not much to say other than if you want some great escapism for a short 88 minutes, this will do the trick IMO. I laughed out loud a bunch, I had fun, so did my wife, and I could see myself watching it over and over later on in life. It’s not a classic like Anchorman or Step Brothers for Ferrell, and never reaches the comedic heights of Parks and Recreation for Poehler, but you could do much worse.

 

THE BAD BATCH is a weird little film by newcomer writer/director Ana Lily Amirpour. She was responsible for the becoming a cult classic gem that I have not seen, A Girl Walks Alone At Night. This film, critic wise, is going both ways. Some are calling it a boring overlong interesting mess, others are calling it a an independent modern masterpiece. Me? I’m somewhere in the middle, closer to the spectrum of masterpiece though then a mess. In fact, I actually thought The Bad Batch was pretty good. While the story was a little lacking, it is gorgeously shot and has a hell of an interesting premise with some good/weird performances. I mean, Jim Carrey is almost uncredited in this as a silent good-natured hermit, bringing one of his best performance since The Truman Show and Man on the Moon. How can you not like a movie like that?

If the trailer is somewhat confusing on what this is about, let me spell it out a little without ruining anything. Apparently, this takes place in the future, where if you are part of “The Bad Batch,” you are actually a prisoner, where you are taken to a gate on the edge of Texas, and are free to roam a land where the American law and way of life no longer applies. Are you are a land full of cannibals, criminals, and scary looking motherfuckers, and the one place of solace this scary desert un-topia has is a place called Comfort that is run by a head honcho named The Dream (played cool and collected by Keanu Reeves). How weird is this film? Well all the ladies that are in The Dream’s home are pregnant and are wearing t-shirts that says “I Have The Dream Inside Me.” Am I right?

Well anyway, this one girl gets sentenced to this place, and right away she is taken by cannibals who eat one of her arms and one of her legs. She still manages to escape and tries to find Comfort.  Jason Mamoa also stars as a man who you don’t quite know who his allegiance lies with. Like I said, the film is really really gorgeously shot. Ms. Amirpour knows her way behind a camera and brings a beautiful landscape to an otherwise haunting and scary open prison system.

I guess the weirdness of this film stuck with me throughout the entire runtime because I was never bored and my eyes were always glued to the screen wondering what was going to happen next. I loved how this world was explained to the audience not by telling us what was going on but by showing us. That’s what I always admire in a film, when it shows and not tells. It’s possible that the weirdness was too good for it’s own good because if a couple of things were tweaked this could’ve been a masterpiece and one of the year’s best films. The story should’ve been tweaked a couple of times (even though I did like the ending). Some of the characters decisions didn’t make much sense when clearly there were plenty of other options (hard to explain without getting into spoilers). I also loved Keanu Reeves as a kind of savior/bad guy and wish they would’ve developed his character a bit more.

And the film does have that main problem: character development. We don’t know much about the main girl, named Arlen, and only find out bits and pieces with nothing big enough or the glue not strong enough to put together. Same goes with Jason Mamoa’s character known only as Miami Man because of the tattoo across his chest. But the best character I really wanted to get to know was Jim Carrey’s Hermit character. Arguably one of Carrey’s best performances he doesn’t say one word, just a desert wanderer that mostly keeps to himself except for when people are in trouble. I could’ve watched a whole movie on just that character alone, and is the reason why I like the movie more than I should.

Ugh, the more I think about the movie the more of a recommendation I want to give it. As of right now, I think the movie borders on good/great territory, but far from a masterpiece and no where near the mess that people think it is. This is definitely a film though that I’d like to revisit at a time and maybe see something new in it that I didn’t catch the first time. Anyway, if you like weird films, or anything avant garde, this is totally the film for you. But if you are a modern audience participant, this film will most likely confuse the shit out of you and you will hate it’s guts. I liked it and would like to study it some more.

The best thing I can tell you about this film is that this one is at least better than the awful 2nd film and the ho-hum Minions film. What has happened to this franchise? The first film is a lovable tale with a good story that everyone fell in love with. But then people fell too in love with the Minions, and the franchise became a product placement like all the Cars films are. I can’t even remember the 2nd film, only that the Minions stole the show and Gru met Kristen Wiig’s characters, and there was some Mexican bad guy. This film has a more memorable villain, thanks to the comedic voice talents of South Park’s Trey Parker, but even he can’t even save the film from having too many subplots, too much slapstick humor and not enough smart original jokes, and and uninspired main plot. The minions fortunately or unfortunately however you want to look at it, of course steal the show entirely.

Yeah, the two funniest bits in the film are the minions accidentally interrupting a singing competition and the minions life in jail after they leave Gru because “he’s not villainous enough.” So that’s one plot point, let’s count all the other in a 90 minute film. 2. Kristen Wiig’s character wanting to be a good new mother. 3. Agnes wanting to find a real unicorn (the middle child doesn’t get a subplot surprisingly. 4. The older daughter having to ward away this young Danish boy who she took a bite of cheese from (I know, lame, and it’s solved pretty damn quickly that it isn’t even really much of a subplot). 5. Gru dealing with his new long lost brother Dru. 6. Trey Parker’s Balthazar Bratt becoming insane after the cancellation of his tv show and having no reason to take over the world other than he wants to be his character that was on the show and be an excellent “bad boy.” 7. Gru and Kristen Wiig (I don’t care enough to know her characters name) getting fired from the saving the world league they were in and trying to get back in. Jesus.

7 plots and subplots all in the span of 90 minutes. And you could feel it too. The film is way too overstuffed. They could come up with one or two main plots and make a loving, sweet, and coeherant story. Instead they basically ignore the children (which their plot made the first film so sweet, and the children are completely ignored in the second film) and instead focus on slapstick humor between Gru and his brother, and of course, the Minions. Didn’t the Minions get their own movie so they could concentrate on trying to tell an actual story in this third outing? At least that’s what the filmmakers told us when this started getting made. Maybe halfway through they couldn’t come up with any ideas, said “fuck it,” and threw everything out the window.

This film has hardly any original jokes. Everything feels borrowed from other films and most of the jokes are just people falling and getting hurt kind of humor, tons of overused slapstick. The writing here is the laziest since…well, I guess Cars 3, haha. I mean, they couldn’t have come up with another main story featuring the girls mainly, combine that with the good mother thing from Wiig, get rid of the other brother angle, keep Trey Parker (who is the best part of this film by the way and seems like he is happy to be doing something else other than South Park), and it be at least half way decent? It’s been several years since the 2nd one, and you would’ve thought they would’ve learned from their mistakes, but I guess not. Maybe it is time to hire some new writers as well.

There is a but to all this. The but is that kids will enjoy it no matter what. They will love the slapstick stuff, love the minions, love another unicorn story with Agnes, love the ending with the bubble gum town and ripping off the end of Age of Ultron. They will love every second of this film, because kids do not know any better. Which is fine, I’m going to experience all that stuff in several years when my child grows up. But if you are going to make a movie for kids, and ones that adults will need to take their kids too, at least make it decent for the adults as well and not insult their intelligence. The voice work is still great from everyone, even Carrell, who I thought always has done fantastic work in these, but the substance does not match up to style here. At least I can say it was better than 2, but that again isn’t saying all that much. It’s despicable I couldn’t like this film better.

I think after THE BEGUILED, I’m officially considering writer/director Sofia Coppola a one-hit wonder. And this isn’t even the hit, that would belong to Lost in Translation. The Beguiled is almost everything bad I could say about a film at this moment. Pacing is bad, original (that’s right, it’s a remake) is much better, editing is choppy, acting is ho-hum, character development was awful, direction was one-note, none of the feelings were believable, characters made weird decisions too quickly and it was an absolute snooze fest. Gee Zach, tell me what you really thought about it? Well, I just did, but I guess I could go into some more detail…

The only thing that was good about this film was the dreary mood and the cinematography. It was a pretty looking film. That’s about all the praise you’ll hear from me. Sofia Coppola has directed a bunch of stinkers. I can’t stand Somewhere, The Virgin Suicides, The Bling Ring, and Marie Antoinette. I don’t know why I love Lost In Translation so much. Maybe I need to watch it again to find out if the film still holds up. Sofia Coppola was known for her terrible acting as Corleone’s daughter in Godfather Part III, but I also think she is a terrible writer. Not so much director as she is not bad at all at some camera work, but her screenplays are absolutely dreadful, weird, and just plain Jane.

I mean, I’ve seen the original with Clint Eastwood, and I guess they remade it to make it seem more dreary and dreadful, because while the actions of the characters make sense in the original, they don’t make sense here at all. In fact, I think this movie could’ve been BETTER with about 30 minutes added onto it (it’s only 90) with some more character development. For instance, Colin Farrell talks to Kirsten Dunst’s character ONCE and stares at her in a couple of scenes, he says “I love you,” to her in the next scene, and then is trying to get in Elle Fannings pants less than a minute later. Makes absolutely zero sense. The film only starts to pick up once Colin Farrell re breaks his leg, but the film only has 20 minutes left. The ending is the same as it was in the original, but here it feels less earned.

Farrell is nice one minute and awful the next with no subtext. Even Nicole Kidman’s character, who is icy to him the entire time at one point almost kisses him. There was absolutely no basis for any of the characters actions. No motive. It was complete drivel. Did Sofia Coppola actually watch the original film or did she just skip through it and go, “I think I’ll just make it more dreary and with less substance, that’ll make a good film!”

How Sofia Coppola won the Palme D’or at the Cannes Film Festival for this is beyond me. I’m puzzled unless the other films weren’t that great as well or if the judges were in a weird mood. Just like The Bling Ring, Somewhere, and Marie Antoinette, this is going to be on my worst list at the end of the year. Sofia Coppola needs to direct from someone else’s script, because she needs to quit writing.

Thank the movie Gods, looks like maybe the Summer movie season is really starting to kick in. After the wonderful Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, it’s been a ho-hum shit kind of summer with big stinkers such as Transformers 5 million, All Eyez On Me, 47 Meters Down, Beatriz At Dinner, Cars 3, It Comes At Night, some would put The Mummy in there, Baywatch. The only other excellent movie we’ve gotten in between all that crap was Wonder Woman. But now, we got Baby Driver, and this Friday, you can experience the wonderful hilarious romantic joy that is THE BIG SICK.

If you don’t know what The Big Sick is, well that baffles me because they’ve been promoting the shit out of it. It’s based on a true story with Kumail Nanjiani, playing himself of course, where he meets his current wife Emily and after being together awhile and shortly after a break up, she ends up in a medically induced coma. The doctors don’t know what is wrong with her, and Kumail meets and hangs around Emily’s parents, waiting to see if Emily will recover and if maybe this whole experience changes him in a way.

Even if this wasn’t a true tale, and the real husband and wife duo just wrote this as a mere piece of fiction, this is still one of the better romantic dramedies to come out in recent years. In fact, this is what Funny People really should have been. What’s funny is that the two correlate very well with the whole stand up comedians and sickness type plot scenario. But what makes this film truly special, and a whole lot better than Funny People ever was, is that it is a true story, this movie feels real even though Kumail is the only one playing himself, and this movie is actually hilarious.

Some would say the movie is too long, running at almost 2 hours. However, I would strongly disagree. The film’s pacing and plot structure are perfect. If the movie was cut any further, I might not have believed the love between Kumail and Emily was real and wasn’t rooting for them to end up together in the end (even though I know they get married in real life). It gets to the sickness gradually, and then when she is in a medically induced coma, his relationship with her parents has perfect progression as well. In fact, in the whole movie I don’t see one scene that could’ve been cut or trimmed. Everything feels necessary. Even the extended scenes with Kumail’s family wanting him to meet and marry a Pakistani girl and their disapproval with his life.

Now let’s get to the acting real quick. I love Kumail Nanjiani on Silicon Valley, but here, even playing himself, he is absolutely fantastic. His Silicon Valley character is completely gone, and here he is, just him, making me have a lump in my throat in one scene where he is completely bombing a stand up comedic act to talk about how he can’t do comedy when the girl that he loves is in a coma. Holly Hunter is great here too, and Zoe Kazan is adorable as Emily, so adorable I wonder if she did the real Emily justice. But the real standout here, as a friend of mine mentioned, is Ray Romano. Ray Romano gives his best performance to date. Better than any episode of Everybody Loves Raymond could ever have given you. He gives Emily’s dad words and story arc life, and he ends up being the most likable character in the movie. If there is only one reason for this film being worth the price of admission, it’s Romano’s performance.

Go see The Big Sick as soon as you can (comes out Friday). Bring a date, see it with friends and family. It is that type of movie. Even being rated R, it is a movie any family would enjoy (if your kids are at least age 13 and up). I don’t think I’m being hasty to call this the best romantic comedy of the year, and that it will end up on my top ten – fifteen list by January 2018. It really is that lovable, wholesome, and good. The two hours flew by, and I wanted to see more of Kumail and Emily’s life, even if it didn’t have a plot too it. This romantic comedy should be the standard when it comes to those types of films. Near perfect, and you definitely won’t get sick of it.