Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: LET IT SNOW (Netflix)

I didn’t know how to describe LET IT SNOW while watching it, so something my wife said that I thought was pretty accurate I got permission to use, and it’s “cute meh.” I would say it’s a more romantic, more serious, really loose remake of Nickelodeon’s Snow Day. With all the dumb rom-com dramedy cliches that come with it. Fortunately sprinkled with flakes of decent acting. Basically, you could watch much much much much worse than it, but you could watch so much better. It’s only one step above those crappy Christmas/Winter Hallmark Channel movies. Or that stupid Prince and the Pauper Netflix holiday remake film. Or those dumb Rose McIver Prince and Me Christmas themed rip offs. It’s definitely better than that Netflix summer version of this film conveniently titled, The Last Summer. But it’s definitely the kind of movie that Netflix should seriously think about not buying if they want to actually compete with the other streaming platforms in the future.

IMDB.com describes this movie best: In a small town on Christmas Eve, a snowstorm brings together a group of young people. Like I said, it’s a more serious version of Snow Day, but dealing with kids about to head off to college instead of middle school kids wanting an extra day off school. There is no Chevy Chase dumb weather reporter, and instead of an evil Chris Elliot snow plowman, there is Joan Cusack, who is a nice yet weird tow truck lady that spouts off life advice. And then add more cliches on top of the cliches that I’ve already spouted out. You have the small town girl who doesn’t know if she is going off to college because she wants to take care of her sick mother and ends up falling in love with a famous guy that just happened to be traveling through town. You have the guy and girl friend that have been best friends for the longest time but then they realize they might want something more. You have the wanna be DJ that wants to throw a giant party so maybe his career can take off. You have the girl obsessed with social media and keeps investigating to see if her boyfriend is going to break up with her. And then you have the lesbian in love with a girl that hasn’t come out to anyone and has a whole bunch of straight friends. You. Have. Heard. And. Seen. It. All. Before. Including the cheesy dialogue that comes with it.

It only works because of the acting. The people you might know it in is the girl that plays the new live action Dora The Explorer. The girl that plays Sabrina The Teenage Witch is in it. The guy that voices Miles Morales in Spider-Man Into The Spider-Verse is in it. The daughter in Santa Clarita Diet is in it. And Peter Parker’s Asian friend from the new Spider-Man movies is in it. And like I mentioned earlier, Joan Cusack (she also needlessly narrates the beginning and ending of the film). Oh and Janet from The Good Place is briefly in it. They all do a decent job with the shit cheesy dialogue that they have to work with. Not surprising that the screenwriter of all the Pitch Perfect movies is behind it. But more 2 and 3 quality instead of the really great original. You just go into it expecting all the predictability in the world and you won’t come out disappointed. And I’ll give the movie one more compliment, it looks like they actually shot on location, with real snow and shit, instead of it being fake snow on sets and set in California.

Am I recommending it? Slightly. It kept my attention enough and when I think about all the other shit that was released by Netflix this year such as: Sextuplets, The Last Laugh, The Last Summer, Someone Great, Murder Mystery, and The Silence, I really I would watch this a million times more than watching even five minutes of those others. My wife recommends it way more than I do. Like she just told me sitting next to me, “if you are looking for a halfway decent Christmas movie and you are bored, there is worse ways to spend your time. It’s cute meh.” Meh, I guess I’ll agree with her. But if I watched it by myself you could’ve expected a much more scathing review. You were lucky she was with me.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: MOTHERLESS BROOKLYN

With MOTHERLESS BROOKLYN, actor Edward Norton gets his first credited writing project, and his second directorial feature since the so-so Keeping The Faith, which was almost two decades ago. With his writing/adapting skills (this is based on a novel) I give him some strong applause, but with his directing and egotistical necessity of putting himself as the lead actor in his project…I say better luck next time. There are several problems with the movie, off the top of my head the film was a little bit too light, corny, and cartoon-y to really represent one of those detective “gum shoe” serial noirs of the 30s – 70s. Another problem is that Norton’s performance as a detective that happens to have OCD and tourette’s crosses the line several times of being too over the top for me. And the last major complaint is that the movie is way too long, there were several scenes that could’ve been shortened or cut out altogether to make a tighter two hour movie (it did not need to be almost two and a half hours). But the movie’s dialogue is quite good for me to say that this is a very decent rental, and if you love those “gum shoe” detective noirs of the past and need something to scratch that itch (I can’t remember the last one in theaters), this is right up your alley.

So am I recommending this? Slightly. People have asked me through messenger recently to start giving my movies letter grades, but I don’t want to do that because a lot of you will just start scrolling to the bottom and not really listen to what I have to say. But with this one I’ll make an exception, but I’m going to say it here so you have to find it like you’d try and find Waldo. I’d say a very solid C plus. I think if Norton stuck to just the writing, ditched the directing, and maybe honed his performance a little bit (because I still think Edward Norton is a hell of a great actor), this could’ve been something great. But we all know that Norton has an ego (see his MCU history) and he just couldn’t get out of his own way direction wise. His direction here isn’t one to write home about. He also directed himself in Keeping The Faith. In order to see if Norton really has unique directing chops, I’d like next time for him to maybe write and direct, and NOT be in his movie at all. But with the only two movies of his he has directed and starred in, and both of those being okay (this one is definitely better than his first), I really don’t have much to go on.

What is the movie about? To not spoil anything, Norton plays a associate detective named Lionel Essrog, or “Motherless Brooklyn” to his detective boss Frank Minna, plays by Bruce Willis. Lionel and another guy back up Minna during a meeting of several people, that meeting takes a huge turn and **spoiler alert**, Frank Minna is killed less than 15 minutes into the movie starting (not so spoilery though if you’ve watched the trailer). The rest of the movie has Lionel try to find out what happened to his boss based on what he saw and heard when the meeting went down and Frank’s incoherent last dying words. He gets wrapped up in a conspiracy involving a powerful man played by Alec Baldwin and his unstoppable determination to control and build a better community in 1950s Brooklyn. He also runs into a very lovely lady played fantastically by Gugu Mbatha-Raw who may or may not be wrapped up into this layered conspiracy as well. Lionel has to navigate the evidence to find out exactly what is going on his revenge quest while trying not to get killed himself.

The dialogue in this film is great. I would love Norton to maybe get out of the limelight a little bit and adapt novels for other, more establish directors to direct. He’s got a knack for it. His direction here is only a tiny bit more than just point and shoot. But that’s because he’s directing himself, which is probably no easy task, but then again, maybe he should’ve let someone else take the reins so he could concentrate on his performance. His performance isn’t too over the top, I don’t want my words to make you think you have to suspend belief to take his tourette’s OCD personality seriously. About an hour into the film I ended up not puckering up my butt hole so much and got used to it better. In fact, there is one part where his tourette’s made me laugh the hardest I’ve laughed in a theater this year (it involves the F word that isn’t fuck), so I can thank the movie for that. The performance just came off as a little corny and cartoon-y, a little out of place and out of tone with the rest of the noir detective type film. Like trying to mix oil and water. The rest of the cast is great though. Bruce Willis, even though hardly in the film, actually looked like he took the time out of not caring on his many direct to video adventures to give Norton a believable little gig. Alec Baldwin makes for a good “sleezy” Trump type business man (who knew right?! **cue the SNL sarcasm**) and Gugu Mbatha-Raw steals every scene she is in she is so serene and lovely.

The end result (story resolution) though also felt a little too “Chinatown”y, with it being in almost the same “twist and turn” vein as the climax of that film, but with more of a racial overtone and less of an incest one. You’ll see. The film had me guessing though and I didn’t see the ending coming. I just wish it were a little more complicated. There are also several scenes that go on way too long, especially one where Norton has tourette’s in a nightclub, that should’ve been cut way way down. If the movie were edited a little more, it could’ve been a better and more solid two hours. I got bored several times with its uneven pace. But the movie is more original than a lot of the shit we get these days, and it is nice to see something different with the detective “gum shoe” noir being brought back for 2019, so there is that, I ultimately just don’t think the too light of tone worked for me, combined with Norton’s uneven performance and uneven, kind of lazy, direction. But the dialogue is incredible. So if you like films like this, I would recommend that you seek it out. For me, there was just too much evidence that was too light on clues, if that pun makes any sense to you.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: DOCTOR SLEEP

DOCTOR SLEEP joins the rare list of Stephen King adaptations, such as The Shawshank Redemption, The Mist, 1408, and The Green Mile as films that are far far far far far superior to their respective novels. Let me give you a little shocking revelation from my own mind of thinking: Like Stephen King, I am not a huge fan of Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining. And that was before I even read the book, which of itself, is a masterpiece. I will get to the problems of Kubrick’s film in a minute, but needless to say, Doctor Sleep makes it a better film. To support King’s recent quote, “It redeems Kubrick’s film.” While some may be put off by the films run time, two and a half hours, what writer/director Mike Flanagan does is takes an okay but very flawed book sequel, put the parts in it that worked, and improves and changes the parts that didn’t to make a very emotional and narratively satisfying film experience. I don’t know how many Stephen King adaptations there were this year, but Doctor Sleep is easily the best. Yes, better than IT Chapter 2. Again, I love Stephen King, I have read every book he has ever written, and don’t usually prefer the movies over the books, so consider this high praise.

Let me explain to you, without getting into book spoilers, why I don’t really care for the novel Doctor Sleep. Doctor Sleep has a great concept, but very poor and forced execution. Every pay off to every set up in the book feels very unearned, specifically the location of the climax and a certain family revelation/twist, that wasn’t needed and didn’t make a whole lot of sense. Also the ultimate fates of all the characters seemed a bit wonky. The movie fixes EVERYTHING. They completely remove that family revelation twist, the ultimate fate of the characters make sense to the events leading up to the end, and the location and climax of the film is earned and doesn’t bog down into fan service. While one big change (character fate) from the novel may get on some King fans nerves, I thought it should’ve happened originally when reading it for the first time, and was glad it was rectified here. In fact, the climax made me have the biggest smile on my face, because I realized how right Stephen King is when says “it redeems Kubrick’s film” and that many of you won’t understand it unless you have actually read The Shining or looked up what happens at the end of that novel.

What is the movie about? The movie serves as a direct sequel to The Shining as the beginning of the film takes place right after/during the end of that film. In fact, it takes a little bit to even get to adult Danny Torrence and find out how exactly those traumatizing events effected him as an adult. Does he still have his “shining” powers?And if so, what is he doing with them? How is he handling everything? Concurrently with Danny’s characterization/redemption journey, we are introduced to a set of villains who call themselves the “True Knot” and they are a vicious little group who go out hunting and killing young children who’s “shine” radiates brighter than most. The leader of that group, Rose The Hat, senses a young girl, named Abra Stone, and her “shine” is the most powerful she has seen in ages. But little does Rose The Hat know that Danny has been secretly talking with Abra for years and they will both need to team up to take her and the “True Knot” down once and for all.

Sounds unique and different from the concept of The Shining doesn’t it? It is, but like I said, the book is very uneven and muddles the execution of that concept. Thankfully, the movie fixes everything. While not a very scary movie, the film is shot beautifully, has great set ups and pay offs, the acting is top notch, and everything is emotionally satisfying, leading to a sequel film that I prefer over Kubrick’s film. Now, you are probably wondering why I don’t consider Kubrick’s film a “horror classic” while so many of you probably do. Read the book. Even before reading the book, the main problem with Kubrick’s film isn’t the completely different WTF ending, but mainly that everything happens way too fast for a 2 hr and 20 minute horror epic. The novel is a slow burn pot boiler, and takes its time to get to the bonkers and awesome climax/ending (probably the best ending King has ever written). The movie left me with a resounding “meh”. I didn’t much care for the hedge maze.

The character of Jack Torrence is abysmally mishandled in Kubrick’s film as well, his descent into madness and the hotel taking over his mind comes completely out of nowhere where the book beautifully makes him a more sympathetic and nicer person, his ultimate murderous temper tantrum tragically earned. The Kubrick film does have some great masterful visuals, but unfortunately the sum of those parts aren’t greater than the mishandled narrative. Jack Nicholson didn’t have much to work with, he just seems like crazy Jack Nicholson in the movie, Wendy, even though acted expertly by Shelley Duvall, felt like a forced weak and pathetic character, completely doing a 180 on her strong sense of worth in the novel, and Danny Torrence is aggressive underused in Kubrick’s film. Sorry, but even before reading the masterpiece of the novel I had a problem with the film. Reading The Shining just confirmed and contextualized those feelings.

The acting here is fantastic all across the board. Ewan McGregor is great as an adult Danny Torrence and displays great emotional “umph” when trying to deal with his “Shining” mind force (enter Star Wars joke here) powers. Newcomer Kyliegh Curran makes Abra Stone is much more detailed rich character than she was in the novel, but the scene stealer here is Rebecca Ferguson as Rose The Hat. Rose The Hat is honestly kind of a shitty villain in the novel. It seems that she is easily tricked and defeated in certain scenes in the novel and for me, she never displayed any emotions or actions that would make it seem like she could pull the rug out from under Danny and Abra’s feet. Same goes for her group, “the True Knot.” I never felt like any of them were a threat worth worrying over. Here, combined with Ferguson’s menacing and harrowing acting, Rose The Hat and “the True knot” are more of a forced to be reckoned with, even though one scene might make you feel differently. But when you realize the stipulations and who exactly is involved in that scene, you’ll figure out that it makes a lot of sense. Not to mention that scene has great tension and emotional stakes, so it cancels out my minor complaint altogether.

Also, one HUGE compliment I almost forgot to mention. As you know this is a direct sequel to Kubrick’s The Shining while being a sequel to the novel in general, so you get to see some old characters from the old movies. THANKFULLY the movie uses old school movie magic, and just cast new actors to play the old roles that look like the original actors, instead of shelling out a bunch of money to make people look like wonky CGI younger versions of Jack Nicholson, Shelley Long, or Scatman Cruthers. Loved that they did this, not a huge proponent of the de-aging tech, even though it looked pretty great in Terminator: Dark Fate, although that was only for like 30 seconds compared to the multiple minutes the characters are on screen in this film. Then again it isn’t surprising considering Mike Flanagan wrote and directed this little gem. I still need to check out The Haunting of Hill House on Netflix as I heard that is excellent as well. Not surprised of the praise, just haven’t gotten around to watching it yet.

Now, if you’ve seen any marketing for this movie, you’ll know that the spooky ooky and scary Overlook Hotel is brought back. The climax from the novel has a similar location, but if you’ve ever read The Shining and/or Doctor Sleep, you’ll know a HUGE difference from novel to film. All of that is rectified here, with an emotionally great and satisfying climax that doesn’t bog down in too much fan service, something I was dreading that was going to happen before the movie started. Writer/Director Mike Flanagan did a tremendous job with this film. This isn’t his first foray into Stephen King adaptations, he actually made a great version of Stephen King’s novel Gerald’s Game that debuted on Netflix one or two years ago, and everyone felt that that book was completely un-film-able, but he managed to do it. He does it again here. And while Doctor Sleep was easily film-able, he managed to do something rare, make the movie better than the sequel novel, and a movie that I felt was better than the original film. Very good work. And all work and all play make Zach a happy boy.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: JOJO RABBIT

If you are starting to read this asking what the fuck JOJO RABBIT is, you’ve probably seen some marketing of the film regarding a small boy that has childish version of Adolf Hitler as an imaginary friend. Have an inkling now? Okay, here we go. The movie is absolutely delightful, funny, yet devastating and smart. Just as the advertising will tell you, it is an anti-hate satire, and while I was afraid it was going to nail those messages on the head without the audience letting them figure out for itself, I’m thankful that it only had a little of that, and didn’t treat people as if they were idiots. It is considered to be an Oscar contender, and I’d say deservedly so, especially for writing based on another medium, and for Scarlett Johansson for a best supporting actress nomination, heck I’d even support a Best Picture nod at this moment . While the film deals mainly with a big even in human beings checkered pasts (the Holocaust), it is something we can then relate to the events of today. It tries to get into the viewers head with not just straight up messages and information, but also providing genuine laughs and well earned heart to earn your respect.

Jojo Rabbit’s plot is pretty simple. Along with the imaginary Adolf Hitler angle presented before, this movie starts out with the little boy going to a Hitler Youth Nazi training camp, run by an oafish Captain, played spot-on by Sam Rockwell. The little boy’s mother, played by Scarlett Johansson, is secretly anti Nazi, wishing that her boy would view the world through her eyes. One day while the mother is away, the boy hears noises upstairs and inside the walls of his home. There he finds a Jewish girl, who his mother is secretly hiding. While they each can’t really tell on each other for reasons that will lead everyone to certain death, he starts to tolerate the older Jewish girl in his life and home, and well, you can probably see where the film goes character arc wise from there. The boy wrestles with his feelings for Jewish people throughout the whole film, all the while World War II comes dwindling to an end.

The satire here completely works. Writer/director Taika Waititi (Thor 3, What We Do In The Shadows, Hunt For The Wilderpeople) has crafted an amazing tale, easily making it his best film thus far. He also plays the goofy, cartoon like childish Adolf Hitler in the film, and provides most of the films huge laughs. Now, I have to warn you, the humor may not be for everyone, but seeing how I am reviewing it on a personal level, I think if you step back to look at the bigger picture and not get offended at every single damn thing there is to get offended about, you will realize the jokes are witty, precise, and all land on their feet. The movie has some hilariously amazing sequences and visuals. If you want a little insight on how Taika Waititi’s vision works, think of Wes Anderson films, but a little less symmetrical and definitely more fluid (don’t worry, I still think of Anderson as a very good filmmaker). Although I was worried at the very beginning as it kind of copies Edgar Wright’s fast “getting ready” sequences. You’ll see. Thankfully it was more of an homage and only does it that once. The best sequence in the film comes 2/3rds of the way into the movie, involving Stephen Merchant and a bunch of other Nazi’s invading the little boys home to do a search. The scene is artfully, masterfully, hilariously perfect. It provides laughs mixed with just the right amount of tension to keep you on the edge of your seat. I have a feeling that Waititi, when shooting this, knew that this was the centerpiece of his movie.

Now mind you, the movie isn’t all laughs. There are a couple of sad sequences, including a devastating punch in the gut sequence that I saw coming from a mile away but still hit me hard enough to the point where I had a giant lump in my throat. It visually kicks you in the nut feels and I don’t know how people are going to respond to it. The scene is set up from the beginning with several visual cues. Remember the age old film saying, “if you show something of importance in act one, it must come back at the end of act two, or somewhere in act three.” To be honest, I’m paraphrasing, as that saying is really supposed to be about showing a gun or weapon, but when you see the movie you’ll get what I mean. My point is that the movie mixes everything you could want in a movie (drama, action, laughter, etc) pretty damn near perfectly. And the film is exceptionally entertaining, never leaving the viewer a chance to doze off into boredom.

The acting here is also what elevates the impact of the movie. Playing the boy is a young actor named Roman Griffin Davis, his first role, and he nails every character beat that he needs to. I look forward to his work in the future. Sam Rockwell plays the Captain of the Hitler Youth Nazi Camp, and as we all know Sam Rockwell is good at playing a really bad racist, there is more to his character here that meets the eye, and the film does a fine job of hinting what that “more” is without completely peeling back the entire curtain for the audience. Rebel Wilson has never been better and Taiki Waiti steals a couple of huge laugh scenes as the cartoonish imaginary Adolf Hitler, but the two women that completely steal the movie from everyone involved would be Scarlett Johansson and Thomasin McKenzie, the latter playing the hidden Jewish girl in the boys home. Thomasin plays the girl with bravado, combining strength with uncertainty and vulnerability, scared that she might not be hidden for long, facing certain death, but also trying to change the hateful, racist thinking of this young boy.

But the one who is truly probably going to get a supporting nomination in the end is Scarlett Johansson as the boy’s mother. She is the true heart of the movie, her anti-hate speeches and talks with her son are the witty, yet serious highlights of the film. Scarlett Johansson nails the accent and visual comedy cues that is integral in making her character unique. And she is surprisingly in the film more than I thought she’d be, considering she is the “and” on the poster, which was delightful because she shined in every scene. But yeah, if you are an awards season obsessed honcho like myself, Jojo Rabbit is a must see for the awards season to come. It provides almost everything you look for in a movie, but instead of being just a copy cat of satire you’ve probably seen in many film before it, this has its own unique voice, separating itself from the pack and shining triumphant.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: TERMINATOR – DARK FATE

TERMINATOR: THE MACHINES AWAKEN….wait a minute, whoops, wrong assumed title there. Let’s start over…TERMINATOR: DARK FATE is okay. But it is not okay enough to consider it canon, and will have most fans just claiming that the first two films are the only ones that really, truly happened. While the movie was entertaining enough to get me through its 2 hr run time, none of it is really anything you haven’t seen before, it’s the same ol’ shit. It’s basically a soft reboot that takes just enough elements from the first two films to get out of being called a straight up remake. However, Star Wars: The Force Awakens did it much better and had a lot more different elements to disguise the fact that it had a lot of the same beats as A New Hope. Dark Fate’s disguise wouldn’t even get past Mr. Magoo. That’s not to say its a terrible film, it is at least better than Terminator Salvation and Terminator (what the fuck were they even thinking?) Genisys, but I’m still on the fence whether or not it was better than Rise of The Machines. One thing is for certain, the franchise should’ve been terminated back in 1991.

The thing that I’m on the fence about whether this is better than Rise of the Machines or not, is the tone of the two films. Rise of the Machines has a very weird, zany, looney tunes light tone, but the non stop action and that dark as fuck ending more than makes up for it. The tone with Dark Fate is much, much better here, but the problem with the movie is that the action is kind of repetitive, jarringly edited, and there were no scenes that made me go, “OH SHIT YEAH!” Let’s face it, Terminator 2: Judgment Day is one of the best action sequels ever made. A lot of people, including me, think it is one of those rare sequels that completely demolishes and is better than the original film. There is no fucking way in hell any Terminator movie after Judgment Day could even be on par unless James Cameron came back and FULLY committed to it (maybe not even then, since his dick wants to always be inside a Nav’i on Pandora these days). And while James Cameron came back to produce and has a “story” credit, I don’t feel like he had much of a hand in actually contributing all that much to this final product.

**beginning of major spoiler paragraph** Another glaringly huge problem is that the very beginning of the movie flips Terminator 2 on its head and kind of shits all over it in a way. Kind of like what Alien 3 did to Aliens (Remember that this film completely ignores the events of 3, Salvation, and Genisys). Now in this paragraph I’m just going to say what the film does so if you don’t want to know, skip to the next paragraph and we’ll get out of spoilers. At the very beginning of Dark Fate, using incredible de-aging and digital effects, it is revealed that another Terminator than just Robert Patrick was sent during the events of the 2nd film before Skynet’s ultimate demise, and a couple of years later, after Sarah and John Connor changed their fate, that second sent Terminator finds them, and just fucking kills John Connor right in front of Sarah, and there is nothing she can do about it. I know that Edward Furlong probably sucks as an actor now, but was there not a way to not fuck up the events of the masterful second film, and maybe somehow include John, hell, maybe even get Nick Stahl to come back and reprise his Rise of the Machines role? I think that killing John Connor was a major misstep in trying to revitalize the franchise, and it will have a lot of fans screaming and tearing their hair out. And yes, it bothered me too, but I got past it though mainly because of Linda Hamilton’s performance. **ending of major spoiler paragraph**

The acting in this does save a lot of the film from mediocre and ridiculous Salvation and Genisys type levels. The scene stealers of course are Linda Hamilton back as Sarah Connor, and Mackenzie Davis as the new human/robot hybrid Grace. Everybody saying that having Linda Hamilton back makes us all realize how vital she was to the first two Terminators and that she is more of what the franchise needed to come back than Arnold, are completely right here. I loved watching Linda Hamilton back in action, she is one tough bad-ass in this film and I think she really kept this movie from being a true snooze fest. But let me be clear, everybody in this is good. With Davis’ Grace character, I really I haven’t cheered this much for a great protector since Arnold in T2. By smartly making her a human hybrid combined with her acting skills, I actually cared about this character, instead of wanting them to just shut up and die like Jai Courtney and Emilia Clarke in Genisys. Looking back I think I gave Genisys a somewhat favorable review. What the fuck was I thinking? I think I wrote that review literally the second I got out of the theater several years ago, with this, I’ve had a little more time to get my bearings straight.

Gabriel Luna is good as the new bad Terminator model Rev-9. Rev-9 is like a combination of all the Terminators you’ve seen before, but this one can split itself into two successfully. And Natalia Reyes plays Dani, the regular human being protected this time for some reason (don’t worry, the film eventually reveals the reason, which end up being better than what you think it might be, although I saw it coming from a mile away) and her arc transitioning from strong yet innocent woman to strong and bad ass fighter was very realistic. And then there is Arnold, who doesn’t even show up until more than half of the movie is over. I’m glad they didn’t just force him in at the beginning of the story on this. His character’s arc I enjoyed the best. I will not reveal who he is, but when his character Carl shows up on screen, the movie definitely elevated itself a little bit from what it was for me at that moment. In Genisys, it looked like Arnold was sleeping through his role, and in Rise of the Machines, it seemed like he was sort of into it, but was there for the pay check. Here, he fully commits to his performance, and is at his best since Judgment day.

While some of the CGI is shaky, yet forgivable, and while the action scenes are good in concept, in execution, they are a little jarring. Except for the late in the film airplane crashing sequence, that one was actually pretty great. But the rest of the action sequences, particularly the beginning one (the highway one you’ve seen in marketing with the initial return of Sarah Connor), the border detention center one, and the one at the very very end just seemed edited a little weird. Like the filmmakers and director Tim Miller were trying to fast cut shit so they could hide any discrepancies and hide the fact that maybe, just maybe, Tim Miller can’t film action scenes very well. This is his first film after his very first film, Deadpool, and if you really look closely at that movie (admit it, Deadpool 2 is better), you’d realize it only has two action scenes: the highway one, which went on too long and extended, and the very end sequence, which was very tame by comparison, blocked kind of weird, and editing wise is kind of wonky and too fast paced too. Action scenes need to breathe better, like in films like The Force Awakens, where you can tell what is going on with everything. Trying to do shit like Michael Bay and Paul Greengrass just doesn’t get you anywhere anymore. We know all the tricks of the trade to hide the fact that you can’t shoot action and just try to hid it up with shaky cam. It’s all a “tsk-tsk” affair now.

So while writing my review, I think I am going to give the edge to Dark Fate over Rise of the Machines, the goofiness and too light hearted tone of the latter being the deciding factor. Unfortunately, I’m still going to go back and only consider the first two films of being the only ones that truly happened. To me, Dark Fate is just fan fiction, but at least it is stronger fan faction than what we received the past three films. This is just a franchise that has far surpassed its expiration date. It literally is just the same ol’ shit. Same story of Terminators being sent back into the past, one to protect, and one to try and destroy something vital to the future. Same ending. The only difference being a couple of small arcs here and there, all playing it safe though and taking no risks that should’ve been taken. It’s like painting a fresh coat onto a house but you do nothing else to the foundation to try to change and make it better. And like a T-800 in action, that paint, or synthetic skin if you will, starts to peel and chip away very fast, revealing that same exoskeleton underneath, one that you have grown tired of seeing.

My ranking of Terminator Films:

Terminator 2: Judgment Day
The Terminator
Terminator: Dark Fate
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
Terminator: Salvation
Terminator: Genisys

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: PARASITE (NO SPOILERS, GO IN DARK!!!)

PARASITE is easily the best foreign language film I have ever seen and one of the top films of 2019 in general. Easily takes the top spot over my previous favorite, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. All of the hype and praise you’ve heard of this film, it’s true. All of it. If you have any inkling whatsoever to want to see this movie, go in completely 100% dark. Even though I don’t reveal basically anything about the plot, stop reading this review right now and just go and see it. I promise you won’t be disappointed. Don’t even watch the fucking trailer (my co-worker hadn’t heard a damn thing about this film and saw it with some friends and it is one of her favorite films of all time now). Even though the trailer doesn’t really give anything away either. I was debating even writing a review on this, but I figured I gotta do something small. For those of you that actually read my dumb long reviews, maybe my short influence here could push some of you on the right side of the fence to end up giving it a shot. So the rest of my review, I’m just going to make a numbered list (in no particular order) if what I liked and what I didn’t like about the movie. And again, I do not give away anything. This film won the Cannes 2019 Palm D’Or over everything nominated, including Once Upon A Time In Hollywood. And even though I have Hollywood a bit higher on my list than this film, it deserves all the awards and all the praise, even if it ends up competing with Tarantino by year’s end. So anyway, here is my list, I’ll start with my likes, and then dislikes. No concluding paragraph:

LIKES:

The Story
The Acting
The Perfect Ending
The Many Twists and Turns
The Unpredictability
The Cinematography (simply gorgeous in every scene, but one scene near the end is just beautiful ((message me on what that scene is if you are truly curious))
The Direction by Bong Joon-Ho is masterful, easily his best since Snowpiercer
Five minutes in, and you have completely forgotten that you are reading subtitles
The Score
How It Makes You Think
All the messages of family, best laid plans, upper vs. lower class, values, etc. etc. etc.
The Pacing, The Editing, All of IT

DISLIKES:

I did not dislike one damn thing about this movie, it’s basically as perfect as can be.

Review done, go and see it. It’s expanded so it’s probably playing at a theater near you. This movie is just like a Parasite, attaching onto you and effecting you…but in a good way.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE CURRENT WAR – DIRECTOR’S CUT

And when I say THE CURRENT WAR: DIRECTOR’S CUT, I mean that’s what they are releasing the film in the theaters as. I have not personally seen this TIFF (Toronto International Film Festival) 2017 Harvey “Rapist” Weinstein cut that was put together, but I heard it was horrible and almost unwatchable. This however, is very watchable, and quite enjoyable. When I think about it, I think this might be the only way you could tell a story like this, without boring the audiences to tears. I wasn’t bored at all. I was quite intrigued to learn about the long fight between Thomas Edison and George Westinghouse that would determine whose electrical system would power the modern world. It is a crisp and clean hour and 47 minutes, and I can’t imagine how Weinstein’s cut, which I heard is about half an hour longer, could’ve been any better. If you ever want to learn about this subject matter, but don’t want to read a book or just look it up on Wikipedia, I’d say it is safe to say to watch this to get a broad spectrum based off of the events that transpired.

I described the plot a bit above, but to go bit further I believe the film took place between 1880 and 1891-1893, somewhere in that range, I’m not a fucking historian. But yeah, it just shows the trials and tribulations of these two men whose mission it was to make it their legacy that they themselves brought light to the world. Nikola Tesla shows up in this as well, working for both men at different times, and Samuel Insull, Edison’s personal secretary, has his hand in some major events. No, I’m not going to tell you who won on here, hopefully if you were interesting in this subject matter and already had a hand it in then you already know. Me? I only had little inklings and tidbits about everything before going into the theater, and only a few of those were confirmed by scenes presented in the film, but most of it was new information I was shocked to learn about and some of my knowledge was altogether wrong. The movie also has a fun yet frightening history of the origin of the electric chair as well to entertainingly fill in the gaps of who ultimately wins their legacy.

I really liked the score in this film, as it is quite memorable because I am still humming it as I sit and write this review. The look of the film is great too, I felt like everything was “up to code” in the theatrical representation for that time period. The movie never really drags, and is successful informing while entertaining. The acting here is strong as well. Benedict Cumberbatch and Michael Shannon are always reliable in what they do, and here is no different. There really isn’t an antagonist in the film, both Edison and Westinghouse had their quirks and misdeeds, but neither are monsters. Both have sympathetic aspirations and both do things that make you want to slap your head in disgust, but you realize they are just trying to make the world a better place in the end. Near the end of the film, Edison and Westinghouse have a cordial chat, and everything said in that conversation brilliantly sums up the entire debacle. You can tell the two men were frustrated yet respected the hell out of one another. Spider-Ma….err Tom Holland, did pretty well in his couple of scenes as Samuel Insull, and Nicholas Hoult did well in his limited screen time as Tesla, although I’d now like a whole film just about his life. Written by the screenwriter that wrote this film and directed by this film’s director.

One more aspect of the film I appreciated is that the women really weren’t just background dressing. Both Edison and Westinghouse’s wives, Mary Stilwell and Marguerite help shape the lives of their husbands and helped them out in certain situations. I was surprised and delighted by their involvement and Tuppence Middleton and Katherine Waterston did well in those small yet pivotal roles. There isn’t much more I can say about the film, so I’ll just wrap it up this way: If you are a history buff, or maybe an electrical engineer, or fascinated with electricity or light or currents, or any of that complicated shit, this movie is right up your alley. Even though I liked it, you’ll probably even like it more than me, maybe even love. I was looking forward to this film two years ago before the Weinstein scandal fucked up its release, but now that it is finally out, and the director got to release it on his terms, I think the extra wait might’ve been worth it. Who knows really, as I’ll never see that disgusting fat fucks edit, and am glad for it. This director’s cut conducts some decent sparks all its own.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: THE LIGHTHOUSE (no spoilers)

I guess like Paul Thomas Anderson, I’m just not going to be able to get into Robert Eggers films. But understand, I do “get” them. I understand the deeper meanings, motifs, messages, symbolism, what have you of what both filmmakers are trying to do. And I admire their tenacity. I’m just going to have to accept that most, if not all of their films just won’t be my cup of tea. And that’s okay, we all have different tastes. And mind you, THE LIGHTHOUSE wasn’t a waste of my time. There is a lot of good about it, which I’ll get into, but I just wasn’t able to “get into” it myself. I was pretty bored, looking at my watch constantly, ready for it to be over. But there is a huge different between films like these from these filmmakers and a film like…I don’t know…let me bring up a random recent movie….oh okay, I got it…Joker! Paul Thomas Anderson and Robert Eggers films are at least very original in their content and execution, but I don’t think I can get into them because of the weirdness of that execution. But at least they are original. They aren’t a movie trying to pretend its original but instead rips off about a dozen other movies and think they are cinematic masterpieces…

Yes, my grudge for Joker is still strong, especially when news of it being the Top Rated R film of all time (which they should adjust for inflation because then it wouldn’t be) hit this weekend. But we are here to talk about the 2nd feature from Robert Eggers, writer/director of The Witch, The Lighthouse. All I really need to say about the film is that it is about two lighthouse operators that get cabin fever and start to turn mad over their four weeks on a particular job. Willem Dafoe plays Thomas Wake, the head honcho that makes Ephraim Winslow, Robert Pattinson’s character, do all the shitty and hard jobs while Wake just tends mainly to the light. Tensions rise, hallucinations start to happen, fights are drawn, and mermaids are fucked. Yeah, you think I’m kidding…but anyway, the whole film is a character study about two men slowly going mad topped off with a very sudden and weird ambiguous ending. Not that I don’t mind ambiguous endings, I just don’t feel personally that this one was very earned.

But let me get into the positives about the film, so you know I don’t hate it (it is a huge critical darling, but like The Witch, it’s audience score is just getting lower and lower). Let’s start off with the performances, because really this is a two man (and a nasty seagull) show. Willem Dafoe and Robert Pattinson are masterful here. With Good Time, The Lost City of Z, and now this under his belt, I can say I am 1000% confident that Pattinson will make for a great Batman/Bruce Wayne. While Good Time is still my favorite performance of his, mostly because Good Time is a near perfect film, Pattinson is phenomenal here, his descent into madness convincing and very heartbreaking. Willem Dafoe is near perfect here as well, as the head light honcho that might just be a devious secret asshole (based on your perspective of events). The only problem with his performance is that I couldn’t understand half the shit he was saying with his accent. It was like trying to watch Jeff Bridges in the remake to True Grit all over again.

The film, being in black and white, is gorgeously shot. I wouldn’t be against it getting a cinematography nomination at a bunch of award ceremonies this year at all. The tone, setting, and mood of the film all work in the pictures’ favor, and to imagine this film being in color, God, I don’t want to think about it…probably would’ve ended up hating it. The visuals are near perfect. But visuals and performances do not a great movie make for me. Even though the performances were great, I couldn’t have cared less about either of the characters. I honestly think that if they would’ve made either one of them a much more sympathetic or one of them much more clearly problematic, I could’ve gotten into the movie more. At least one of their descents into madness could’ve been more emotionally investing that way instead of just feeling relief that the movie was finally nearing its end. But maybe that was the point, for both of them to be morally ambiguous, but if that was the case, then it just didn’t work with me.

People will say the movie is too weird with its imagery. But if you know anything about certain Greek mythology/lore like I do, then you’ll realize that everything in the movie makes sense if you look at it from different specific points of view. Especially if you see both characters as being representations of Prometheus and/or Proteus. But like I said, I was either too bored or didn’t care about what was happening to the characters to really give a shit. And it’s a shame, because I was really looking forward to this film going into it. It is very cinematic and artistic, and if you really loved The Witch, and all the symbolism meshed well with the horror and imagery and story with that film, then you are probably going to love The Lighthouse as well. It was just not my cup of tea, and his films, along with Paul Thomas Anderson’s, may very well never be. But that’s okay. I figure that if I at least don’t write these off as total trash then my opinion may count for something. So if you really do think that this film is genius, I fully support your admiration and reasons for thinking so. The light was not bright for me, nor was it burnt out, just dimmed and hazy.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: BLACK AND BLUE (no spoilers)

BLACK AND BLUE doesn’t lose your attention and Naomi Harris (who I think is actually an incredible actress and needs to be in more films) delivers a powerhouse performance in this. However, every character other than her is completely dumb as fuck and every choice that they make is so idiotic it will make your head spin. I don’t think Hollywood realizes you can have a taut thriller where the bad guys and others can also be pretty smart yet the hero can still come out possibly saving the day using his/her own wits. Why does every character have to have an IQ of 5 just to make it logical for the protagonist to get out of some hot shit? You know what it is called? It is called lazy and convenient writing. Which is a giant no-no to a lot of film lovers, but to Hollywood, who cares as long as the money ultimately makes its way into their pocket. Don’t get me wrong, the film isn’t that bad, it’s a very decent rental, but when there are no other interesting characters, and the movie only has one surface level message, what’s the point?

And that surface level message is, all cops are corrupt, even non-white ones? I’m kidding, I’m kidding, the message was actually not all cops are bad people and not all people in poverty or in gangs are bad people either. Murder is murder, no matter the skin color or race. But that message is stamped home only 20 minutes into the film, and nothing about it is explored deeper. It just takes that nail and hits you over the head with it until the end credits when it already went straight through your brain the first swing. Instead, the movie should played with morals more and have the message a bit more ambiguous for the audience to ponder, and only at the very end drive a clear point home. Spoon feeding people is not going to help, because fortunately, most of us are smarter than the characters were in this film, and we are able to decode messages without them just spelled out for us large and bold on a giant canvas.

The movie is about this rookie woman cop, who happens to be African-American, and after being more than a decade in the army, she joins the police force in New Orleans, and not really understanding the climate between cops and citizens nowadays. She is pushed into a double shift, teaming up with this other black cop she doesn’t know, one that is a little tense and in no mood for any bullshit. He gets a call on his phone, saying that he has to meet up with a CI, gets to the location, and tells her ass to stay in the car. She doesn’t after hearing several loud gunshots coming from the building he went into. She investigates, witnessing the black cop and several white narc cops execute these kids right in front of her, and she had her police body cam on. She escapes, and the rest of the movie is a cat and mouse race between her and corrupt cops trying to silence her and retrieve her body cam. She tries to make it back to the police station to upload the footage and along the way tries to get help from a poor small market owner (played by Tyrese Gibson) and other black folks in the community that don’t trust cops, and so won’t trust her even though they are of the same skin color.

It just kind of saddens me that this movie could’ve been something really special. Don’t get me wrong, the movie never lost my attention, there are tense moments in the movie and like I said, Naomi Harris, who plays the main back protagonist cop, is incredible in this. It is just that all the dumb characters, the one dimensional message, the tame action, and all the plot holes were too extracting to ignore. There are a hundred different things a hundred different characters couldn’t done or said in the moment that would’ve immediately solved the problem, but the writers thought those would’ve ended the movie too soon and didn’t want to challenge themselves. They could’ve had those characters do or say those things, and still have written another smart wrench for the protagonist to get through to get to her goal. But nope, everybody in the movie had to be a dumb dumb in order for the narrative to just move lazily along. I almost slapped my own head when one character is captured, but just keeps his mouth shut and gets the shit beat out of him, when one sentence or two sentences of explaining to the tortures would’ve left him unharmed. There are other examples, but I really don’t want to get into spoilers. Just trust me that a lot of wasted opportunity was in this.

I’m going to end the review here, as I usually get into the writer and director, but I don’t know them that well to roast their asses. I guess the screenwriter could be blamed, for mainly being a writer on TRANSFORMERS RESCUE BOT ACADEMY, but then again he wrote Flightplan, which was decent, so I obviously don’t know what the fuck he’s drinking or smoking. This movie is an entertaining mess. You get a emotional performance out of Naomi Harris (who was nominated for Moonlight and plays Moneypenny in the Daniel Craig bond films) and Tyrese Gibson isn’t bad, but then everyone else is just one dimensional stereotypical good guy or bad guy character. It’s just really, really, really, really, really lazy. I’m just tired of lazy. It is time to beef these things up.

Zach’s Zany Movie Reviews: DOLEMITE IS MY NAME (Netflix)

Early reviews for Netflix’s DOLEMITE IS MY NAME have been proclaiming that “Eddie Murphy hasn’t been this good since Dreamgirls.” I want to go a little bit further than that and say, I don’t think Eddie Murphy has been this good since the 70’s/80’s and is now my second favorite performance from him, other than his multiple ones in The Nutty Professor. He really is back, actually looking like he gives a shit about this film. As well he should, because his performance isn’t the only great thing about it, as the story about Rudy Ray Moore, a black comedian who is known for being the pioneer of very crude and crass sexually explicit humor, and his rise up as a comedian and then breaking into the film industry. While the movie is pretty standard as far biopics go, the script is elevated by some snappy dialogue, showing in-depth some of the blaxploitation filmmaking process and having a good representation of what the culture was like in that industry in the mid 70s. Plus, the movie is pretty fucking hilarious and marks a turning point for Netflix for me, I’m just about ready to start taking the platform seriously (original film wise).

Know that I am not really familiar with Rudy Ray Moore or any of his films. The only little tidbits I know about him is from reading about him on Wikipedia and watching Red Letter Media’s Best Of The Worst Episode that featured his blaxploitation film Petey Wheatstraw, which doesn’t have anything to do with the Dolemite character, a kung foo fighting pimp. This movie, while the first 1/3rd is about Rudy Ray Moore’s rise in comedy, the second half is about the making of his famous “so bad it’s good” film, Dolemite. The movie’s narrative has the same structural blueprint as The Disaster Artist and Ed Wood, two other films that are about the making of the “so bad it’s good” pictures The Room and Plan 9 From Outer Space. It feels more like Ed Wood than James Franco’s recent film, and that is no surprise, as this movie was written by the that films writers. Ed Wood (arguably Tim Burton’s last great film) is not just about the making of one of the worst films of all time, but more about the man himself. Same here. The making of the movie is just gorgeous background decorations, focusing on Moore’s time, money, and effort just to get the film to a wide audience.

And while Eddie Murphy doesn’t look at all like Rudy Ray Moore, he captures his spirit flawlessly (from real clips of Moore that I’ve seen), and he looks like he is having a fucking blast making the movie. This is the Eddie Murphy we all know and love, he shouts his lines, has that quick and snappy talk, and energetic pep in his step. I just hope he keeps the momentum going. I just wish he wasn’t doing sequels to Coming To America or Beverly Hills Cop next, as I think he has the potential to soar in more original tales and material such as this. Leave Prince Akeem and Axel Foley be Eddie, please (especially that Coming To America 2 is going to be PG-13…). This movie is a VERY, VERY HARD R, f bombs out the fucking wazoo, sex jokes, and full frontal nudity. In fact, one could say that the best and funniest scene in the entire thing is the making of the sex scene in the Dolemite movie. I know that Eddie Murphy now looks back at his stand up from films like Raw and realizes that kind of comedy doesn’t work anymore, but if this films shows us anything, he has maybe tapped into a way around that, still being himself, but not as trigger happy, triggering this pathetic butthurt culture we have going on now (yeah that’s right, I said it).

Rudy Ray Moore’s films I believe were a little more successful and praised than the other good-bad films I mentioned above. It felt like his always had something a little bit more to say. And it is also the quiet moments in this that truly make the film soar, whenever Moore is struggling to come up with money to finish the film, or getting the film into theaters so a wide audience can enjoy them. If there was any scene that could actually garner Murphy another Oscar nomination, it would be at the very end of the film, where he interacts with a small fan, and a crowd outside of a theater, having to wait till 2 am to see his movie. The movie itself gets the feel of the mid 70s pretty much dead on, and look of it pays a good tribute to blaxploitation films’ lighting and color. I have a feeling a lot is owed to the director, Craig Brewer, who easily gives us his best film since Hustle & Flow. It is definitely more interestingly and steadily shot than the last film about the making of a bad movie, The Disaster Artist, where it felt like James Franco liked the shaky cam a little too fucking much.

If you don’t want to go out to the movies this weekend, and want something pretty good to watch at home, I highly recommend Dolemite Is My Name. Just under two hours (it doesn’t feel that length), the movie is endlessly entertaining, hilarious, and even has heart. With this, El Camino, and from what I hear, the upcoming Marriage Story and The Irishman, Netflix is starting to look like it is finally going to take itself seriously, instead of just giving us shit films that have mostly filled up the top half of my worst list of early 2019. And with the streaming wars coming very, very soon, maybe it realized it had to (although if they announce a sequel to Sextuplets anytime soon any hope I had for them will quickly be squandered). Maybe one year we’ll be looking at a Oscar nomination list completely dominated by steaming platform films? If you scoffed at that question, you should really do your research and see that it probably isn’t just a possibility, and that there is even evidence that it may come sooner than you think. If that happens, the tail end of this year will be known as the real first change in Netflix’s fate, with Dolemite Is My Name being one of the films in that conversation. Eddie Murphy’s back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!